I posted recently about something unrelated to my break up, but I just feel I need a rant today. I'm recently out of an emotionally abusive relationship and today I'm feeling like shit. I'm so tired, mentally and physically with everything that's happened and I'm particularly frustrated that it's depleted my strength and motivation to get to the gym, and that's one of the things that was giving me something to focus on lately.
I've been an idiot, I know that. I let it continue far, far longer than it should have and it was clear that this could be the only outcome (other than a miserable life for me). No matter what though, I know he loved me. Yes, yes, I know, I know, but anyway. And what's happening now is exactly what I always knew would happen, what always happened after an 'upset' - he never 'chased' me. It was always me that did that, it was my job. He was never the 'stalker' type - far from it. Doing the running was always beneath him, and I always knew that when I finally decided it was over, he wouldn't come after me. And here he is, not coming after me.
Yes, yes, it's true I don't want him back, but it still HURTS. Oh, he's sent heaps of passive-aggressive texts, but that's about his limit. Nothing constructive, not anything that could be construed as empathy or compassion for my state now, having self harmed again during our last interaction. He's a selfish, arrogant bastard and I knew he was arrogant very early on, but I ignored it. Well, that's come back to haunt me, hasn't it? He could never apologise, never back down. I have been such a fucking idiot. I think back to all the times he was a total arsehole and wonder what the hell was wrong with me that I continually got back with him?
Anyway, I just needed to get all this off my chest as I really am feeling shite today and I know there's more shite to come.
Thank you for reading.