On the brink of starting divorce, why do I feel so sick?

[Winniethewylde]

Paperwork arrived from my solicitor this morning. I need to sign and return then a draft letter outlining my divorce intentions will be sent to H. Even though I'm filing for divorce, his unreasonable behaviour being the grounds I still feel absolutely terrified and sick. He knew this was going to be the outcome and has agreed but since has stuck his head in the sand and carried on as 'normal' albeit a slightly different type of normal as we are now doing things separately with the kids rather than as a family.

I can imagine he is going to go mental too as he is adament none of it is his fault but on reading the paperwork sent to me by my solicitor, which details our meeting, it makes pretty hideous reading. Oh shit, I'm absolutely dreading this. How the bloody hell do I handle this considering we still live all under the same roof?

You sign and return the paperwork to your solicitor and at some opportune moment, perhaps over the weekend, you remind your stbx that the proceedings for divorce will shortly commence and, while it may be that he won't be best pleased when he reads the paperwork, it will be going ahead regardless and, as he's free to seek legal advice at any time, you don't expect him to raise any objections he may have direct with you.

If, on receiving notice of your intentions, he attempts to bully/browbeat you or generally becomes obnoxious, simply refer him to your solicitor and rinse and repeat until he gets the message.

You CAN do this - and you will because you know it is best for all concerned that you end your marriage.

I know I can and have to do it, it's just I have so little confidence in myself and my thoughts that I'm scared I will get verbally attacked for having the balls to make the first move and potentially get talked out of it. I'm worried I'm not cut out for this and don't have the strength required.

I'm sticking my hand out to hold on tight to. I've been where you are, it's a horrible leap of faith to take but you CAN do it. I can't tell you how happy I am now it is all over, free, it's amazing. It's not going to be easy over the next few months but you will get through it and come out the other side a strong and most importantly happy woman. Feel free to PM me if you want a cheerleader to pep you up. Now go do exactly what goddess up there says ^^.

You'll find an endless supply of virtual strength here that you can use in rl as you imagine an army of mumsnetters sticking the boot into him cheering you on until you reach the finish line.

Women who've been exactly where you are now will be joining this thread and will talk you through it every step of the way - and they will most certainly be able counteract any argument he tries to make to get you to stay in an unhappy and non-productive marriage.

You've found the courage to create an opportunity to make your own life, and those of your dc, infinitely more rewarding and happier than its been to date and, once you are free, your only regret will be that you didn't divorce years ago.

If he should 'verbally attack' you, imagine yourself singing la la la while letting his words go in one ear and out the other, and don't hesitate to call the police and have him removed from your home if he loses the plot bigtime and starts shouting the odds at megadecible level.

MrSlant got in first and has proved my point

You won't lack support here, honey, and it's available 24/7.

Thank you so much for your advice and support, I've just read through everything and signed it. I will send it off tomorrow. I just really really don't know how to even start up the conversation. This does sound utterly pathetic and unbelievable but we don't talk unless it's about/through the children so I have no idea how I'm going to handle this.

I've been there too .
And emerged the other side strong and happy.
There were some dreadful times as divorce was going through even though he divorced me ...laughable reasons. Even he admitted they were. But it got the paperwork done quickly.
He was very verbally abusive throughout and went through every emotion... But omg it is worth it.

The thought of how my life could be for my children and I is what is keeping me going at the moment. As soon as he gets home from work it's like a dark cloud comes over us, the children start fighting and I feel like the life is sucked out of me. Hearing your positive 'after divorce' stories is wonderful. Thank you.

Is it terrible to admit we never actually had a conversation? I don't think either of us said the 'd' word until it was over. We don't talk either, that's one of the moments where you realise you are doing the right thing.

Well done for reading through and signing, it's a watershed moment. Don't be surprised if you have a few sad moments in the coming months where you grieve for the life you always believed you should have had. This is where you make the decision to stop flogging a dead horse and move on with your life towards a happy yet different future. I remember the moments when the key would go in the door and everyone's shoulders would sag down and a little bit of light would go from my home. The biggest change in my lovely house is how much laughter there is nowadays. So much laughter I can hardly believe it.

Same here...laughter.

A home full of laughter is the very best environment for dc to be raised in.

If you don't feel able to raise the 'D' word with him, write him a note to say that he can expect to hear from your solicitor soon - leave it at that and only elaborate if he asks you to.

Good advice here for you, OP.

You CAN do this. Follow the advice up thread.

It's so worth it.....

I haven't experineced this, but am sending you strength and a hand hold too

Just thought I'd post a little update to all of you who were kind enough to give me support.

After a long wait, my solicitor emailed me the draft letter stating my intentions to divorce my DH, I showed him it last night. After all the worry and stress it was causing me you'd think I'd just show him my shopping list. All he could say was 'so, have you worked out what you want yet then?'

Arsehole.