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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel......

7 replies

SiencynArsecandle · 30/09/2015 12:53

if you realised that while you were asleep, or DH thought you were asleep, that he was stroking your leg while masturbating next to you in bed? It probably wouldn't matter to me but our sex life is pretty much non existent; we've been married for over 25 years.

There have been many issues along the way - he has severe mental health and physical problems, it appears he was sexually abused as a child (though I'm not totally convinced on that) and sex has always been a touchy (or not touchy) subject for him but we've muddled along. Of course I'm aware he probably has a wank but it's the feeling he is doing it next to me while touching me, thinking I'm asleep. Just makes my skin crawl.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 30/09/2015 12:58

Just touching your leg? Or groping you?

TBH this sounds like the tip of the iceberg. Why is your marriage sexless - is he not interested, or are you not? Has your sex life ever been good - by which I mean honest, mutually respectful and pleasurable, communicative and shame-free?

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 13:11

Have his 'severe' mental and physical health problems been diagnosed and is he receiving any treatment for them?

Regardless of whether you are asleep or awake, touching any part of your body without your consent while he's masturbating is sexual assault for which he can be charged and prosecuted in a court of law.

As there doesn't seem much to be gained from sharing a bed with him, have you considered separate beds or bedrooms or, indeed, ending this marriage which appears to be one that exists in name only?

TheStoic · 30/09/2015 13:52

Why do you doubt that he was sexually abused as a child?

If what he was doing made your skin crawl, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. You need to let him know how it made you feel, and that it can't ever happen again.

Original poster
SiencynArsecandle · 30/09/2015 13:55

Yes, he is receiving treatment and has been doing so for 20 years during which time I have been his carer as well as wife. Not sure why the 'severe' bit needed quote marks?? I would probably have left years ago had it not been for the children who adore him. We muddle along, we usd to best friends but now its just more apathy, there's no hate or strong feelings of any kind but I was just abit confused about this last night.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/09/2015 14:02

It wouldn't bother me, but that doesn't make your feelings about it any less valid. Work out what is bothering you - the masturbation, or the touching you whilst doing it, or both and talk to him. And consider separate rooms/beds.

MissApple · 30/09/2015 14:53

Why are you with someone who physically repels you?? Lifes too short.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 16:13

I put 'severe' in quotes because, to my mind, when applied to mental and physical health it denotes someone who is severely incapacitated by their illness(es) which, from what you've said, doesn't seem to be the case if he's capable of stroking your leg and masturbating.

Has it occurred to you that he may have done this on numerous occasions when you've been asleep?

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