How to leave my relationship (long)

[hadleyy]

I don’t know how to end my relationship but I know I need to. We have been together 9 years, not married, no kids so only really tied emotionally.

We have been having trouble for some years now. My partner has mental health and alcohol problems. We keep going round in circles with him promising things will change. Obviously they don’t, and so round and round we have gone. I have supported him with everything and he knows he has options of external services to help with various problems, but ultimately he decides he can change things himself and it doesn’t work out that way.

My mental health is now in decline, I am anxious and depressed, and feel that my life is on hold whilst I wait for things to get better. I am 30 now and thought i would be married and have kids by this point especially having been in a long term relationship. But I won’t bring those elements into this unstable relationship and so I have found myself in a position of not being able to move forward.

My partner knows how I feel. We discuss breaking up a lot, and sometimes he thinks it would be a good idea, other times he wants to make a go of it with me. We argue all the time, he is hiding his drinking again and has an unpredictable temper when he is drunk (no violence towards me, although still unpleasant).

However I just don’t know how to end it. I know that seems ridiculous, but this was my first ever boyfriend, I have spent my whole adult life with him and I just don’t know how to make the decision and follow it through when he ultimately doesn’t want us to break up. I have low self confidence and self esteem and i also worry about how he will look after himself when i am gone.

Again, logically I know its not my problem, but I have spent my adult life looking after him and whilst I don’t want to do that anymore I cant shake the fear that he won’t be able to do it himself. Whilst I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore, that is purely down to him not taking control of his issues, I still love him very much and care about him. I also know that this might actually be the push he needs to hit rock bottom and make changes in his life, but there is also the risk that he will continue to decline even further.

I am too scared to stay and too scared to leave- is there anyone who has been in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

Here are a few reasons why one stays in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict possibly longer than they should:-

1. Gripped with fear as to what life might be.

(2 Feeling that children are better off with two parents rather than one, regardless of the discomfort and tension in the household). That is in brackets as that does not apply here.

3. The alcoholic/addict is the chief money maker and you would be left financially compromised.

4. Fear of retribution.

5. Fear of being alone.

6. Hanging on to the few shreds of normal behavior that the alcoholic/addict randomly shows (and continuing to hope that one day it might stick).

7. Social, family (extended or otherwise), and peer pressure that you should keep trying to stick it out.

8. Believing that if you "do this" or "do that" things will change.

9. Failure is not an option.

10. Embarrassed and ashamed.

11. What will people say: gossip.

12. Made a commitment -- religious constraints.

13. Poor reflection on self and self-esteem.

And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult, but life-saving decision:

1. You are mentally and physically exhausted in dealing with the alcoholic/addict's out of control behavior.

2. You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict says or does.

3. The alcoholic/addict continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blames you for their short comings and failures.

4. You are weary of the constant merry-go-round of rehabilitation attempts that don't seem to stick for long.

5. Realizing that you deserve better.

6. You are no longer fearful of being alone, since you realize that you are already alone, as the alcoholic/addict is living a life apart from you with his or her drug of choice.

7. Everyone's world is revolving around the alcoholic/addict and consequently other family members may be suffering.

8. You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict's anger.

9. No matter how hard you try, the alcoholic/addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part" in the relationship; satisfaction is never reached.

10. The thought of spending one more minute of your life like this is beginning to make you physically ill.

11. You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says, or what the ramifications may be of your decision; you have the exit gate in your sights.

Ask yourself this; what do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours did he meet within you previously?.

Your own health is in decline and you do not want to be in a relationship with him any more; that does not have to be justified to anyone especially him. You are only responsible for your own actions, not his. You do not owe anyone a relationship.

Many relationships where alcohol is a problem also are co-dependent in nature. I would also read about co-dependency in relationships (you state that you have spent most of your adult looking after him and that can be codependent behaviour) and see how much of that actually relates to your own self as well. If you do recognise co-dependent behaviours you owe it to yourself to address that within you now and properly through counselling before you potentially are in another perhaps also codependent relationship.

He will take a long time for you to recover from; use that time to heal your own self properly and get all the support you need to do that.

Hi Attila, thank you for your post there is certainly a lot of things that ring true. I am actually reading a book on co-dependancy at the moment as I have thought for a while that that might be the case.

One of my worries is that I am the main breadwinner. He has not been able to work consistently for a while, and has money coming in sporadically and so I have been the one to be financially responsible for us both for a long time. That leads to another worry- i don't think that he could keep a roof over his head and don't know what would happen to him.

Logically I know that I need to think of myself now; I am actually happy with the idea of being alone. But I just cant seem to get over the block of worrying about him and what will happen to him.

Ultimately he is not your responsibility although you do feel very responsible for him. I am glad you are reading a book on co-dependency as this could also help you move on with your own life.

Would you be willing to speak to a counsellor?.

Hi Attila, I have tried to do some counselling before. Unfortunately I can't afford private (even subsidised costs) and my local NHS services can only do within working hours and I wouldn't be able to get the time off on a regular basis.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth; have you looked at them at all?. NHS counselling can be very limited, can take a long time to arrange and only offer a small number of sessions.

Another organisation you could talk to is Al-anon. This is specifically for people who are affected by another person's drinking.

You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him. You do not have to be dragged down with him.

Attila your post is really good advice. Thank you, I can relate to it too.

hadleyy - while you are always there, making sure things are ok for him, he has no incentive to change, to take an active role in getting himself better. Sometimes people have to fall a far as they can go before they will act for themselves.