how to cope

[helpless15]

sorry you may be reading this message twice as this is the first time i have ever joined in on anything on line so a little confused what to do..
I just feel so alone as I have no family to turn to.
I have just found out my husband is having an affair I feel angry and hurt my first reaction was to tell him to leave but I don't really want him to go as I love him so much. I have now asked him does he love me enough to stay and work things out breaking all contact with the other woman, she is divorced due to her having an affair with someone else and also has children or does he love her he just says I don't know, he has asked that I don't ask questions as he is feeling pressured and needs time to think. I'm trying hard to keep it together in front of the children my heart is breaking having him around whilst he makes up his mind it has now been four days. my heart is saying fight for what you want but my head is saying from his answer he wants to go but hasn't got the guts to do so as he knows he will have to tell the children the truth. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it together please excuse any spelling errors as I can't stop crying

He's not the one who needs or gets time to think, you are.

thank you for replying, It's early I'm sitting here again after being awake moving around the house doing things as quietly as possible shedding tears as sleep just wont come so I can put a normal face on by the time my youngest wakes up in about 45 minutes, my husband says he wants to wait until the weekend he feels it not right to just blurt it out to them but I don't know if I can cope much longer I have now booked some days off work as I am now struggling to hold it together I cant cope with people saying I look ill and exhausted and there isn't anyone there I feel I could confide in and due to my job I have to hold it together until I walk out the office doors as I said there isn't anyone I can talk to as I have no immediate family other than one relative who I am close to but lives in another country. he is going to tell his family tonight, they are all very close so again I don't want them near me at the moment either. just being able to do this is giving my brain a bit of release before I explode if you know what I mean

I think it's very different trying to keep a marriage together after an affair when that person is mortified they hurt you and is willing to do anything they can to build the trust again.

In your case, your husband isn't feeling like that and loves her and isn't sure about you.

Hard as this this, it's telling you his heart isn't in this marriage and you can't 'try' enough to make up for that.

I know you're upset and worried for the future but he's told you how he feels. Your marriage would be one of convenience for him and you'd never be able to trust him again. Sorry

he finally spoke this morning well asked what he should tell his family, I don't want to tell them or the children about the other woman they don't need to know I'm just feeling confused and need time to get my head straight he said I do love you, you are my sole mate, what does that mean. my heart is breaking but my head is saying what you have pointed out about him I just feel he wants me to make everything easy for him and feel the guilty party. I know people say there are signs but that's where I'm lost we laugh joke and have fun together daily we are always cuddling and the physical side is or has been up until I found out fantastic again my heart is saying maybe its that mid life crisis people joke about. I Just need to know where I stand it's not too much to ask for a straight answer after such a bomb shell then at least I can get on with my life with or without him

OP, it's important that you start to review your marriage because your husband has deceived you therefore your relationship is not what you thought it was. You are in shock and it comes across from what you have written that you still love him, for the moment.

You could really do with some support in RL, so that you feel strong enough to expose the truth if he tries to brief against you with family and friends. IME there is nothing to be gained from keeping the details from your DC, they will find out anyway in due course, and right now they will value at least one parent being honest with them.

I can't believe it I have just had a phone call from husband crying like a baby and begging for my forgiveness the other woman has dumped him over the phone for her boss who is divorced and she has been seeing as well as my husband, she has told him her boss can give her and her children full commitment and more stability than my husband because my husband had told her no matter what his children are his first priority which isn't what she wanted to hear obviously. talk about having your cake and eating it I just feel in total turmoil he has said he is coming home immediately to talk I have told him he cant just drop a bomb shell like he did along with stating needing time to think, I now need time to think and to get my head clear about we go from here.

OP do you really want a man who has come crawling back because his mistress has dumped him. He had emotionally checked out of your marriage what's to say he won't end things anyway? Joint counselling might be useful.

Personally that wouldn't be good enough for me. The OW doesn't find him good enough because she's materialistic (boo hoo for him). He wouldn't be good enough for me because whatever he says his children and wife were not his priority when he was off splashing his money, time and emotions on his mistress.
You'd be best off without this faithless one. He can still put his children as a priority for his life. That life needn't include you. Don't let him manipulate this.

thank your replies I just feel that I have had someone to talk to as my husband wasn't ready to do so. I am hoping that he now understands how I have felt over the last few days and the pain he has being putting me through by not even talking not saying I have made my mind up either way what I will do at least now what has happened will open the doors so we can talk and maybe understand why.

He wants you back BECAUSE his mistress has dumped him.

How humiliating. I would take pleasure in dumping him.

He has no concept of you as a person at all. You're just 'mummy'.

Second best would not be good enough for me. Your husband has treated you very badly, creeping back to you playing the victim because ow has dumped him. No way would I tolerate that.

I know what you are saying I have no intention of being manipulated. I will be thinking strongly about where I go from here before I commit to a future with him.

And remember, you're not helpless.

Every choice looks painful now, but it won't always be like this.

Hang on a mo, before she dumped his arse he was prepared to leave you and he trying to sell the

Oh dear what pathetic man, expecting you to come up with text to explain to his family why he was leaving you and now the OW has been confronted with the possibility of being with this man baby full time, she (quite sensibly) has cut him loose.

However, this man baby now needs you his mum to console him, the waterworks and the assertion that this happened because he was prioritising his kids would be laughable, if it wasn't so damn insulting.

I totally understand the pull to 'get past this' as quickly as possible but it doesn't work like that. He's not coming back because he chose you, he's coming back because she dumped him, his priority is making sure his penis has a place to stay.

When Ex hit me the first time, he cried and I consoled him because for me (not him, obviously) comforting the person you love is instinctual. I was and still am, emotionally stronger than him and it took years and years for me to realise that he had emotional expectations of me that he never expected to reciprocate. Worse still, I never expected him to reciprocate but it took him joking about getting me a straw (moving my jaw was painful from him knocking me to the ground), for the hope that he would, to evaporate.

Your H has demonstrated a spectacular sense of self entitlement and I very much doubt it's a recent development. Take your time because if your marriage can be saved, there is a long road ahead and your H will have to do something he maybe isn't capable of doing and that's taking responsibility.

Your H is probably going to be all over you like a rash until you develop amnesia over his appalling behaviour. If the only person in RL is in another country, call them.

Hang on a mo, before she dumped his arse he was prepared to leave you and he trying to sell the

my husband had told her no matter what his children are his first priority

Really? Is this what he's told you? Where and when did he prioritise his dc over his mistress? While he was spending his time and money on her when he could have been spending it on, and with, them?

What he actually told her was 'I'm going to leave my dw and dc for you' and she told him to do one because she'd only been toying with him while she waited for a better prospect to declare his intentions.

Please don't think for one minute that he'll be able to understand what he's put you through as the only reason he's crying is because he's been dumped by his mistress and his tears are those of overwhelming pity for himself.

Don't rush to decide whether to give him another chance until you've worked out whether you want to stay married to a weak-willed man whose judgement is so poor he can't tell when he's being played for a sucker - and bear in mind that if she gets dumped by her boss, she'll call him and he'll go running.

On a practical level, as you've unwittingly been part of a sexual foursome, get yourself checked out at a GUM clnic as a matter of urgency as many stds are symptomless and insist that he gets himself checked out too. ,

For the time being you've got the whip hand and you're best advised not to relax your grip.

If you allow him to stay, he will do this again.
FWIW I would kick his sorry arse out without a second thought.

I have just had a phone call from husband crying like a baby and begging for my forgiveness the other woman has dumped him over the phone

Of course he's crying and begging now - his nice little alternative life just blew up. Interesting, too, that he wasn't so distraught when you found out, but wanted "time to think" and "less pressure" while he enjoyed being the big boy in a position to choose. The first, instinctive reaction is often the one which reveals the truth and in his case it's not pretty

Forgive me if this sounds brutal, but on his performance so far please don't imagine for an instant that he'll have any understanding of how you're feeling - he'll certainly claim that he does, but his brand new empathy may quickly evaporate when he finds the next one ready to take him on

I was horrified when I read your post, You poor love. I actually deleted my first reply, because it was pretty much a mad rant on how spectacularly awful your husband is. But you know that already.

Do you feel any anger at all? You seem so terribly sad in your posts. I'd be on the floor, but also royally pissed off.

Ask him to stay elsewhere for now - friends or an hotel. Give yourself time to recover from the initial shock and horror. You're not in a good place to be making important decisions at the moment. You won't be able to think clearly with him sobbing around the house, lamenting his lost mistress.

Just concentrate on getting over the shock for now. One thing at a time.