How to make friends....

[yellowvan]

....Cos I think I must be the most socially inept and gauche person ever. Everytime I am in a new situation and there is potential to meet new friends I tell myself that THIS time it is going to be different. I THINK I am doing all the right things, say nice things about their LOs, remember partners? names and plans etc but I never get past the exchanging pleasantries stage (and quite often not even to that).
One problem I know I have is if I am listening to a convo, and I have something to say which I think is relevant, I just cant seem to insert it in the right place, I either interrupt or the moment has passed.
Even here, I am a (very) long time lurker and occasional poster who?s had several different names, but just cant get IN there.
Anyway, been agonising over posting here for weeks. I REALLY want to be different. I REALLY want some friends. DH also has no friends and nor does my mum, perhaps I can?t do it because I?ve never seen it done? Really don?t want to pass this onto DS.
Thanks for reading. I guess what I want to know is how did you get in with your particular in crowd?

Well we can't let a post like this go unanswered, can we?

Welcome to mumset

My advice would be just to wade in and begin chatting. I've made lots of real life friends from mumsnet, people whose faces and families are now familiar to me, who invite me to their homes and come to mine. Just wade in and soon people will recognise you.

yellowvan, you have just described exactly how I feel and what I do! I would love to wade and get chatting, but don't seem to have the time! What with 2 children, a house to run, studying and trying to sort my messed-up head out, I don't really have much time left to get stuck in. Maybe I should reassess my priorities....

just join in and post ,ive made some horrendous cock ups on here , but thats the joy of being annonymous ,although im still waiting for the people from the depressed forum to come round and lynch me! At the end of the day what have you got to lose ? and by chatting to people on here you might find the confidence to chat easily with folk in real life. Go on have a go ,heck youve started your own conversation here .....

Would love to chat now, but got to go pick ds up from nursery!

yellow van where are you? Could you link up with some MNers? How old are your children?
Most of us have these sort of anxieties I think. EVERYONE seems more confident and popular but they're not.
You may be better on a one to one friendship/chat. Invite mum and child for lunch/tea/coffee? then they've GOT to chat to you.

I could have written that post. Although I am good at chatting I'm no good at taking things to the next stage iyswim. I know who people are, I talk to the preschool mums at preschool and in the park. People talk to me out there, but if I try to go any further I feel as if I'm up against a brick wall. HAve invited people round for lunch and one or two have come and have said "oh I'll invite you back some time", but it never happens. And have just recently found out that a load of the preschool mums are planning a night out to which I've not been invited.

I think that it can be hard, especially if you're not an outgoing person by nature. I am very outgoing but feel that it's not my place to push it iyswim, am afraid I'll be too overbearing and that people will get fed up and back off, so can't win really.

As for on here, just wade in. I'm by no means in the in crowd, but that doesn't stop me voicing my opinions.

Perhaps you could try practising on here for RL - could help you gain confidence.

Think of it being abit like a game so you can step back for your worries about friendship. Try and watch what other people do, how they make friends. Try out some stuff, experiement.

Better to have tried, than to regret something you haven´t done.

Yellowvan you have my sympathy! I could have written that post myself about a few years ago; I still have great problems relating to people socially; I tend to take things very literally and I am far too honest.

I got a job in sales, though, and it sounds so cynical, but when you try to sell to people, your aim is, that even if you don't make a sale there and then, you try to find out something new about them each time and bring it up in the next conversation. The better a sales person you are, the sooner you move forward to the goal of making a sale by becoming their "friend". The aim is that when they have a buying need, they call you, because you're their "friend".

It's a skill that actually works in RL though; except the end goal isn't to sell to them, it's to actually become friends with them .

I still have to really think before I open my mouth, in case I'm saying something that comes out wrong, dh helps me as if there's something I don't quite "get" I will ask him afterwards.

But I now have three or four good friends.

I know that sounds awful using sales techniques to make friends, but I couldn't do it any other way!

I do feel on MN a newbie and a bit like everyone will think 'who are you' if I post. But then I think sod it, it doesn't matter if they do, they don't know me.
get the sod it attitude, it's great.
A friend of mine even made a 'sod it' button for her wall to press when needed. But this was BC.

Message withdrawn

Wannabe, Thats it! Exactly that has happened to me re asking people round but not getting reciprocal invites, and although I'm a bit frumpy, a bit knit yer own yogurt, I'm not a complete weirdo. i so so try, but have noticed at school gate (DS, an only, has just started reception)that they are all arranging xmas drinks etc, and I don't like to just barge in and invite myself. Really wish i had enough else happening to not care but this really is making me unhappy so it goes on and on, feel bad so am no fun, am no fun so get ignored, get ignored so feel bad. will try to post more on mn, my views often not mainstream but I'm not ranty and try hard to be tactful. Really hope I can act on the "just give it a go" advice. Thanks all

If there is 1 person you speak to at the gate suggest to them a xams drink, and then suggest they invite others or they'll mention you coming along to there's. Go on give it a go.
Knit yer own yogurt? You'll soon be queen of a clique on MN from what I've seen so far.

More great advice appeared as i was writing below. Thanks everyone. Think it is a case of little by little, like the sales example. I thought i had broken through it a bit having people here for ds's bday party recently, but it seems not

I've realised YV over the years that people have thouhgt I was stand offish, and didn't want to be part of the crowd. I don't know how I project that, but apparently I do.
What negative signals are we giving off?

That all made interesting reading - I too have felt that ive never been able to get into the "it crowd" - why are so many mums at school so clickey? I used to go into the playground and say hello/ how r u etc and then then another time i'd think - be quiet and see how many people actually come up to you... not that many. Ive moved to a new area so dont really know anyone - but it seems to be the case recently that i do all the inviting and get nothing back - in conversations im conscious not to hog the limeligh - and then i ask questions and give the odd compliment when necc. so i dont know what i am doing wrong either. I used to have one "friend", who i'd meet up with 4 coffee and after i'd gone home - i'd think to myself - "if her dp asks her what ive been up to, she wouldnt have a clue 'cos she used to take over the whole conversation - so in the end i decided that she wasnt a good friend after all.

Good point tinkerboo. I KNOW my shyness and awkwardness is offputting! It is self fulfilling. I know that. I bumble about and speak "out of turn" It makes me feel like cr*p and even more likely to do the exact thing again! I want to break the cycle.
I know in my heart of hearts that it is just a case of "just blummin do it" I just wondered what "tricks" other people had used to appear more confident/approachable/friendly/nice

I don't even necessarily think it's about confidence though, not outward confidence anyway. because I think that you can be outwardly confidence, but if you don't have inner confidence, then you won't have that ability to just make the move because on the inside, you just don't feel like you can iyswim.

I am an extremely confident and positive person. And this observation has come from others not just from me, I do talk to people in the playbround, and people often even confide in me, hence why I am planning to become a counsellor - have been told by so many that I am such a good listener. And yet once I try and stray off the mutual ground, i.e. out of the park and into my home, people seem to back off. I wonder if the confidence thing is actually more common than we think? and whether those we are trying to make friends with might possibly be struggling with the same things?

Hey yellowvan, lots of us are frumpy . I'm sitting here with unwashed hair and old clothes on.

I don't know why we imagine everyone else is so glamorous and ourselves the only one who's scruffy today!

I find it harder to make proper friends since I had kids. loads more acquaintances, but never really getting beyond talking about school, holidays etc.
I want to get more open and honest, have a laugh, take the piss, share problems. that's why I like MN. Where are you all in RL?

YV look at the new hard to make friends thread, there's lots of us about.

yellowvan, I can sympathise, particularly with the 'school-gates/playground' stuff.

email is useful. Does your school have a list of class contact numbers? Our school prints class lists of phone numbers and email addresses (given with parents' consent) so that parents can contact each other. Inviting other parents for a coffee/pub meeting by email can be easier than face-to-face.

I've just done this with one of the mums who I always see and seem to have a lot in common with. She's quite 'trendy'.... and I'm definitely not! I emailed her and asked if she'd like to meet up for a drink sometime and she's emailed back to say "Fantastic idea!" and "Are you free one evening next week?"

I think the email thing also works as most parents at school find it impossible to have a proper conversation with one/two/three(?!) eyes on their children.

See, that's how crap I am at reading social situations. I've posted on the thread that has already been replaced by another.

Come on over to the other thraed YV, you're definetly invited and welcome!

yellowvan, i used to have the problem of "crashing" conversations - every time i opened my mouth I'd end up colliding with something someone else said, and by the time a space came the moment has passed. I think it's all about letting go a bit and actively listening, and then not being afraid to butt in a bit.

DW's family talk over each other all the time, across the table - drives me nuts - but it's the only way to get a word in.