Can't decide on my feelings

[321wilma]

Have nc'd for this

After a horrendously unpleasant long term relationship with my childrens father, I broke free regained my independence self esteem etc and put up barriers to be sure I'd never let anyone close again.

2 years later, I met and fell in live with a wonderful man, we have been together a year now, and have taken things nice and slow as my children are my priority and it took me a while to lower my barriers and allow this man to become close to me.

He is honestly perfect in every way and that's opposite to ex basically. So he is incredibly calm, has no temper. He is well educated great career completely independent financially. we have great times whenever we are together.

He was honest from the beginning with me that he drinks too much. He's a single 4p year old living in the city who has fallen into the habit of drinking virtually every night either at home or in pub in way home.

This I can't get my head round and don't like that the nights I don't see him he will be slurring when we talk on the phone.

I promised myself I wouldn't accept anything less than perfect if I moved into a new relationship.

I feel this guy is perfect with exception of the drink. He happily doesn't drink with me or we both drink together. He is a loveable drunk rather than nasty one iykwim.

He wants to stop and believes he will when he moves out of city which he's in process of doing.

Am I mad for sticking with him? Noone is perfect right? And considering everything else about him is just want I wanted in a relationship and that I love him means it's OK to see past this flaw.

I read some of the relationship threads on here and many mumsnetters seem so harsh to not accept any faults I wonder if I'm doing myself an injustice.

The truth is he knows he won't become part of my childrens life until he's sober. Indent want or need to tie any finances with him at anypoint. So I feel happiest just enjoying our young relationship for what it is and seeing what happens.

I realise I've waffled, think my thoughts just rolled out there. Would live to hear others views on whether I should be genuinely worried or if I'm being a bit too analytical.

He's telling you who he is, listen!.

Don't have anything to do with him, a person who drinks too much is trouble.

Tell him, when he is sober 6 months to give you a call!!.

You'll be waiting!

Bjrce I know you're right. But that breaks my heart.
Where is the line of what you accept because of love and what you don't accept.

For example if someone you fall in love with has an illness...you don't finish with them do you?

I personally wouldn't see it as a deal breaker if he is a calm drunk and doesnt embarrass himself. I would expect that he should tone it down to once or twice a week though and if he made no effort to then that would be a deal breaker for me.

There are no rules, no line. You decide what is right for you but at very least you deserve zero abuse and to be respected and cared for deeply.

For example if someone you fall in love with has an illness...you don't finish with them do you?

You probably would if they refused to get treatment.

I spent nearly ten years with someone who drinks in the way you describe - at first he wasn't a bad drunk, but towards the end of our relationship he became an abusive drunk. It kind of crept up on me.

Don't let this happen to you. You deserve better. We all do.

And that's what this relationship is to me an amazing one of complete amd utter respect both ways something Iver never experienced before.

He completely understands and agrees with my concerns and knows he needs to slow down the drinking and desperately wants to..he's going to completely change his whole lifestyle in order to move closer To me. And I guess I'm panicked in case it doesn't work and I want to end things because of that. But I've been completely honest with him so his move is his decision and not something I've asked if him.

Sorry I took a while to write that...hadn't read the two most recent.

Where is the line of what you accept because of love and what you don't accept.

That line is very personal, and only you know where yours is.

Don't hedge ANYTHING on "...until he's sober," though. What you see now is what you get. Either that works for you, or it doesn't. No-one has ever succeeded in a relationship that hinged on what the other person could become. Accept him as he is, or accept that he's not right for you. That's all you can do.

Where is the line of what you accept because of love and what you don't accept.

I'd say the point of the line where you don't accept is the point where loving and supporting your DC becomes compromised because of loving and supporting your new man.

Some alcoholics deal with their issues and put it behind them. Support makes a difference but make no mistake that the real impetus has to come from the individual. If he's telling you he's doing it in order to have a relationship with you, he isn't going to make it.

In your shoes, I wouldn't risk my DC's stability by knowingly embarking on a relationship with a man who has such serious issues.

Don't saddle yourself with an alcoholic, especially as you have children.

It's a horrible illness that ruins people lives and the lives of those around them. It will destroy everything eventually and you will regret it.

Just because someone is a happy drunk and not a violent drunk doesn't mean their addiction won't leave scars on those around them.

I would be telling this guy to go away and get sober for at least a year, then look me up. Unfortunately it is very unlikely that will happen because IME he will turn it around and say "Well if you're going to finish with me then I've nothing to stop drinking for, so it's YOUR FAULT."

He was an alcoholic before you came along and he will be one after you decide you can't take any more and you finish it.

His lifestyle sounds very similar to my dp before we lived together. Once we lived together he stopped drinking on weeknights and now we have dd he drinks once a fortnight if that. I suspect if dp were still single he would be like your dp.

Well I know he won't affect my childrens lives as he knows he won't meet them until he's sober.

Nice to hear a positive side terrifiedandregretful.

I truly value all the advised on here and have sort of laid down the law with him tonight. What I'm cautious of not doing is insisting he 'changes' for me as I know that's the worst way for a relationship to go.

But I've basically said I hope he can change because I wouldn't want to end something so wonderful. He agrees and says I only deserve the best and that's what he intends to give.

Now I'm going to relax and enjoy what we have and see where it goes.

I'm comforted by the complete honesty we both have and the fact my children will only ever meet him if he does change.
This man has an incredibly intense career and has made a big success of it so I feel he is capable of making this change too.

I'm wittering again! Xx

Bless you.good luck. I have good friend who was a raging drunk, is now 11 years clean and married with kids. He wanted to change , the key is the intent, with the right intentions you can Change. it's rare but not impossible.

I too was hugely dependant on drink and drugs but now I barely drink and haven't touched drugs in a decade. I wanted to change my life to improve my future but I did it for myself and thank God I did.

Wow Well-done to you!

How did you do it? Do you still consider yourself to have an addictive nature?

I never consider anything impossible, it a big part of my personality people notice is my positive nature. I just worry that in this instance that equates to me being naive.
Only time will tell.
The option is I end the relationship and feel a huge gap in my life for what could have been.

Hey Wilma, I got to an age where shit things kept happening 'to me'. I didn't want to be the oldest swinger in town, some kind of sad act and I turned over a new leaf.
It was not that hard for me although I do have an addictive nature, my dad is a street alcoholic in and out of hospital and hostels.
I wanted to settle down and have kids, I now have them and cannot imagine returning to that lifestyle. I have slipped up four times in 9 years where I drank too much, three of those times where during the implosion of my marriage and subsequent divorce and once was at the very beginning of my journey on the wagon.
I have not touched any drugs since and have no intention of ever doing so again.

I feel that each situation is down to the individual. I have sent a lot of time in counselling and soul searching as well as support forums (fora) and reading.
I am not perfect and feel that I've been left with a large dose of codependent traits which I am hoping to get a handle one eventually.

Only you can really decide whether this bloke is worth it. If he genuinely wants to change and you can see him making real efforts without holding you responsible then I would say you have a good chance. The slurring on the phone is concerning as it sounds as though he's still in the pattern of lone drinking even though he is now in a partnership.

Not relevant to your switch but I remember when I used to phone my friend and get distressed by her frequently slurring voice, ten, fifteen years ago. She is still an at home boozer and I am sad that she's carried on the way we used to despite having kids etc.
On the flip side I have umpteen very middle class friends who think nothing of getting sozzled every night. On the whole they seem to handle it very well but with my history and experience I can only see it as problem drinking. My views may be slightly skewed in the evangelical way that only an ex addict can see things.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks for sharing sweet jane. Did you get professional help to quit the drink?

He certainly wants to break the habit for himself not only me. And he is the fairest most decent man I've ever met who never holds me responsible for his problems.

What if anything can I do to help. Apart from the obvious not drinking!

Hi Wilma. No I didn't get professional help but as with the old AA adage, I did take the first step by admitting I had a problem.
I also thought long and hard about the consequences of always picking the shitty end of the stick. I went to some very dark places and honestly, I am lucky to be alive.
I lost friends, money and homes.
Somehow I never lost a job, I was lucky to have some sort of work ethic although I skated close to the wind at times.

Honestly I don't believe you can do much more than you are doing. You can support him but wholeheartedly get on with your own life. Set your own strict boundaries and don't let him guilt trip you into giving more than you can comfortably give. He's not your responsibility. His habits will be deeply ingrained.
State your concerns, if you love him then tell him but stick to your own principles.
If he wants to change or remain the same there's nothing you can do to influence him either way, he may well tell you different.

He's an addict. He may be a lovely bloke but he's an addict. There's no dressing that up.

The usual route for recovery is AA. If he thinks 'I'm not that bad!' then he is that bad. He needs to fully address his addiction and get clean.

Because what's going to happen in future when pressures come? At the moment the pressure is he's on his own in the evenings - there will be other pressures. How will it be if later down the road he lives with you and suddenly you notice he's getting pissed on a regular basis - always excusing it 'Once I get this or that sorted, I'll stop'. The never-ending excuses.

Sadly, it's a very poor bet to tie yourself to an addict, regardless how they present. When it comes down to it the addiction will always come first. It is their first and foremost love and everything else will come an increasingly poor second.

Sorry to be so bleak but it is bleak and b&w. I agree with pp's that he needs at least a year to address his addiction, get into full and established recovery. It is a good sign he's fully acknowledged he has a problem but he needs to get into recovery bcs it isn't going to magically go away.

His love for you and your love for him can not conquer his addiction, if that's what it took, do really think alcohol abuse would be such the problem it is today?

He talks a good talk but when is he planning to do the walk? By the end of this year, Summer 2016; when exactly will it be the 'right' time for him to stop abusing alcohol?

The longer this goes on (him making promises), the more attached you'll get and the easier it will be for you to move your boundaries to accommodate his unfulfilled promises. You've already accepted his 'reasons' excuses as to why he hasn't addressed his alcohol dependency and you're already speaking the language of the codependent ("What can I do to help him?"). It isn't the case of 'if' you enter the rabbit hole but how far your prepared to travel now that you're in it. Your relationship dynamic has already been established and the only thing you can change, is your contribution to it.

stay well away from him. however nice he seems.
an alcoholic will ruin your life and will pull you down into the shit pit with them.

it sounds like you're in denial which actually makes you a perfect candidate for a co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic. did you know that?
and you are already minimising his disease.

it also sounds like you need to be with an alcoholic rather then be on your own. why is this? is any pair of trousers better then being alone? in actual fact, you would be better off on your own than with an alcoholic.

you'll never have anything nice while you are with him, do you realise that?
this is because the drink comes first always for an alcoholic and everything else comes about 300 million miles behind.

you risk your children's safety and happiness by continuing to be with an alcoholic. please stay away from this man. he'll wreck you and your kids life.

If I were in your position, I would suggest to your BF that he get some therapy to help him understand why he needs to anaesthetise himself. If he has some underlying issues, they will follow him wherever he lives.

You should also stop drinking with him.

My father was a good man but he too had a drinking problem. What a waste of a life.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You are already walking headlong into another disasterous relationship after the last one and you need to walk away before you get even more emotionally invested.

Why have you chosen this particular man to date at all?. I do feel that you have learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff about relationships along the way and all that needs now to be unlearnt.

His addiction will always come first and foremost in his life and alcohol is truly a cruel mistress. You will find that out soon enough. Do not let yourself be dragged down with him.

I ended a short relationship last year due to his drinking and I can see it even more clearly now I'm out of it. He used to tell me how popular he was. What he meant was he drank in the pub every night and would make everybody laugh with his antics but really it was quite sad to be behaving like a teenager at the age of 53!

When I ended it the first thing he said was, Im giving up the wine. I saw him on a dating website recently. He still had a big pot belly and a red face.

Honestly op, I would leave it if I were you. Slurring on the phone? No thanks.