DP risking his health with overwork

[idealiseme]

Hi all
I am on my second relationship after failed marriage. DP is a caring sensitive man and loves me and my DCs. He has a high high stress job and works 60 hours per week. I wish he didn't have to or feel he has to work so hard. It is like he feels he has to or I won't respect him or something. He never had a family or children of his own so now with me and my DCs maybe he feels he has to. His Dad collapsed and died at 45 with a heart attack and I am just so so so worried I will lose him to same way. We heard recently of 2/3 friends husbands who died way way before their time and I am starting to get scared..

It is like he feels he has to or I won't respect him or something.

Please don't feel guilty. It doesn't sound like you're the one compelling him to work like this: this is his choice, and down to his own personal psyche.

That also means it's also down to him to seek a solution, and he may have to hit his own personal rock bottom before that happens. If he doesn't listen to you when you ask him to cut back and watch his health (I assume you've had these conversations with him?), then you have to let him choose his own path, painful as it is to watch.

Take care of yourself, and don't let stress about his choices overwhelm you. It is really very unlikely he will die, but he may need a wake-up call before he's willing to change anything. His father's history is worrying, I grant you. Might he be able to see the parallels with his own working pattern now?

Just seeing this ourselves. DH felt compelled to work too much because he was on his own mission.

Now he's realizing he's missed time with loved ones and his health is failing.

I'd warned him but at the same time I'm not his mum and there's nothing I could do except accept his choice even though I didn't agree with it.

It was only after his dad died last year that he reigned it in but his health has been hit.

I'm sort of in the same boat as your DP - I've had to take on a lot more responsibility at work, both for financial reasons and because of staffing changes at our office. The workload is insane and is involving a lot of evening and weekend working just to keep my nose above water.

I have a day home most weeks with DCs, but am generally catching up on work then, too.

Is it the case that your DP's work situation is such that maybe he feels like he doesn't have a choice?

Well he certainly feels like he has to work like this, and they are pretty awful in terms of worklife balance. Sometimes he really worries me when he starts talking about the death in service benefit and life insurance and how we would all be ok financially of he wasn't around any more. He was kind of making a joke with a male friend about how at least when he dies he won't have to go into work any more. It is like he feels it is going to kill him and he just wants to get it over with

So he doesn't actually enjoy his job? Are there pressing financial or career concerns (i.e. is he worried he might get fired, or putting in overtime for more money?)

My H is the same and after years of acting like his mother trying to tell him he's risking his health and our marriage, I've had to let go and leave him to it. I've even started sleeping in the spare room as I became fed up at being woken by his alarm at 4am & then nagging him to come upstairs when he falls asleep on the settee. He doesn't claim overtime, he's just married to his job. Other people in his office work 9-5. It's soul destroying and we have no social/home life. Sadly people realise what they've lost when it is too late. Good luck OP, I hope you have success with him curtailing his work hours.

My dh is like this. It's because his parents nearly lost their house when he was a child and their good friends had theirs repossessed. It seems to have scared the shit out of him for life and he can't stop working 7 days a week.

Bubble my DH had exactly the same experience. His father was unemployed when he died and they got no insurance payouts just one to reduce the mortgage. At one level I love him for trying so so hard to stop bad things happening and he was the one who supported his Mum and younger sister once he started uni. But it is not nice to hear someone you care about saying they'd take death now over living and struggling. His employers are fairly brutal and he doesn't even tell anyone there he has a family as he thinks they'll use it against him

As a fellow workaholic male I can offer a bit of advice based on my own experience (12 hr days for 30 years). Firstly, is he worried about money all the time and is it this that makes him work so hard? May be you could re-assure him that you would be happier that if he worked less and spent more time with family.
If money isn't an issue then does he like his job? If he doesn't like his job then he may be a bit obsessive or a perfectionist like myself. My long hours have been a major strain on my ailing marriage, but my other issue
was that I was trying to please my wife who liked expensive things and wasn't good with money management. Healthwise I would try to encourage him to gets plenty of exercise if he doesn't, then at least that's one positive thing he's doing to counteract the unhealthy long hours

Is he the sole earner so feels he has no choice but to work silly hours? It's a lot of pressure where there is only one earner or the other only earns a small amount so it doesn't meet the bills.

He isn't the sole earner I have a job too but his pays more. He hates his job but does it because he is worried about not having money. It is kind of a gamble with life and death as in he is gambling he will long outlive his father and therefore trying to build up a retirement fund. His aim is to be financially independent by 45, by no coincidence when his Dad died. I have encouraged him to exercise which he.does but like it is a chore too. He says he wished he knew when he was going to die as then he could plan around it..

My dh has always worked many hours. His current employer has 6 managers who are all working silly hours. They have all told their manager that this is unsustainable.
We'll see!
I wonder what your husbands REAL reason for doing this are?
Other posters have stated there is s variety of reasons. And depending on what the core reason is, results in varying degrees of difficulty to solve.

Well I am not worried that there is another woman. The OW is his bloody job. His Dad was out of work a lot and his Mum put all her worries on him and then he died when DP was 14. He gives her some financial support too and has stopped eating meat or drinking anything except water to reduce his spending. I reckon he would stop eating completely if he could.

I think you're projecting. I don't think this has anything to do with you or 'making you proud'. His stated objective is to become financially independent by 45. He appears to be obsessed with this goal, if your latest post is anything to go by - drinking water to reduce his spending?

How are your finances set up, are you contributing 50:50? I can't see how his efforts at saving money aren't being swamped by the costs of the children unless he isn't funding them.

As an aside, would you even qualify for the death in service benefit if you're not married? I appreciate this is not what you're most concerned about, but I wonder if he realises that he may not be providing for his family in quite the way he thinks he is.

This seems much more to relate to his childhood and the fear of not having enough money. He could do with seeking some counselling before he does himself lasting damage, he has an obsession.