Marriage nearly over, guilty, do I end affair?

[procrastinating50]

I am a guy in my late 50's and am in turmoil
We have been married over 20 yrs and reasonably happy for 15 yrs
(2 children now in 20's)

I loved my wife dearly and still care about her and find her very attractive.
I discovered she was having an emotional (& possibly physical) affair 8 years ago with a young guy half her age. This painful experience has never been fully discussed and my wife has never acknowledged the hurt caused at the time. She avoids emotional conversations at all costs and always has done.

The cracks were papered over for the next few years during which time I joined a sports club and met many new friends. It was nice to meet women friends who made me feel more confident after the devastating effects of the affair. Around 1 year ago I started a relationship with one woman I had known for 3 years. (I cringe with guilt while I write that sentence). I justified this action by the actions of my wife
a few years ago and the assumption that she wouldn't be concerned anyway as she shows no affection to me whatsoever these days.

I finally talked to my wife recently when she admitted she didn't love me and was open to discussing separation when I suggested it, which I feel is inevitable now after my behaviour (I am generally a very honest person).
I was very relieved after the conversation as it cleared the air, however I did not confess to an affair, nor was I asked.

My main objective now is to end the marriage with as little harm as possible to my (adult) kids who still live at home. I know it's going to be a stressful period for all concerned and I feel if I continue seeing my affair partner it may just tip things over the edge with all the deceit involved. My head is telling me to end my affair and avoid the risk of my kids finding out. I do love the OW but need time to sell our house which may take months and think she may lose patience in this time. I don't want to mess her around but I don't feel at all able to commit to her, infact when I try to think positively of the future it's usually having my freedom from a toxic relationship along with good relations with my adult kids which are the main thoughts. The question I ask myself is has my affair just been a way of coping with a bad marriage and should I make a break now and at least maintain some integrity until the split? Do I also confess to having had a relationship? I can't believe I have ended up in this situation as my personal life was always normal until I was 50. That's life I suppose

You say you're an honest man yet you're asking whether or not to tell your wife, who you have been decieving for a year about your affair?

Please, you've already lost your integrity.

You don't even want to commit to the other woman.

You are a low life. What do you expect us to say? There there?

Affairs happen, yes morally they are wrong but I doubt your wife was sat home crying wondering where you were.

If you and the ow are meant to be it will work out, I personally think it's what you said about the ow showing you freedom is the reason for attraction.

Don't beat yourself up, you and your wife have a shit marriage and it needs to end so you can both be happy again. You wont find a great response on MN as a high number of users have found out about their dhs affairs.

It seems very likely that the affair was, as you suggest, the way you coped with a bad marriage - rather than a lasting, "proper" relationship. So yes, ending things while you deal with the enormity of ending the marriage seems very sensible - and then when the dust has settled, see how you're feeling. And yes, you should confess to the relationship - your wife may seem indifferent and want a separation, but I'm sure she deserves to know all the facts.

I get why the affair started. Part of me wanted to go out and do exactly the same after my DH had an affair. It's about wanting to feel special after having been made to feel pretty worthless. Rejection hurts. I didn't though. You shouldn't have either. It hasn't solved anything and will cause a lot of hurt in the long run.

In answer to your question, yes, break it off with OW. She isn't your future, your post makes that obvious. Don't string it out and hurt her in the process.

Leave your wife. You have both checked out of the marriage - there is nothing left to stay for.

I'd recommend you are honest with her. I suspect she'll find out anyway. She might already know. Whether or not you come clean though is entirely up to you.

I don't see the need to yell your wife if you are separating anyway. What would be the point?

I think ending the affair is the right thing to do though. Especially as you don't feel that you can commit to her. The ow probably won't react well to bring dumped just as you leave your wife though.

Yes break it off and concentrate on sorting out the separating and building a life on your own before embarking on a relationship with anyone else.

Agree you don't have to tell your wife about the affair, what good would it serve? It sounds like the relationship has been over for a while anyway and this was just your way of seeing a way out as it were. Good luck with it all and hope your children will be okay.

I think some people on here would have you tell your wife so you can suffer the "punishment" of her reaction rather than because they think it's best for you. Or her for that matter.

I don't think you should tell your wife. It won't help your situation in any way.

I do think you should end the affair, telling your affair partner exactly what you've said here. If she loves you (and you love her) you'll get together in the end. Sort your affairs out first.

'I think some people on here would have you tell your wife so you can suffer the "punishment" of her reaction rather than because they think it's best for you. Or her for that matter.'

Nice of you attribute such an unpleasant view onto other's advice. Not.

I very much doubt anyone has that motive. Personally I think honesty makes it easier for everyone to move on. It did for me.

Nice of you attribute such an unpleasant view onto other's advice. Not.

I'm sure this wasn't your intention but hearing not used like that has made me really happy. It reminded me of being at school.

I just can't see why telling him to come clean in this situation is in any way better for him or his wife. I agree that honesty is good as a basis for moving forward in a relationship and starting afresh. But in this situation honesty would just cause his wife pain. The relationship is over. Why tell her things that could hurt her?

has my affair just been a way of coping with a bad marriage
"Coping" with something "bad" makes it sound like there was nothing else you could have done about a dreadful situation, and this was the only way that poor little you could lessen your awful burden. But in fact, you could have manned up and actually sorted the situation out (e.g. by separating without any tit-for-tat deceit) long ago. From an outsider's and a stranger's perspective I'd say your affair was very likely a way of having some fun without all the hassle of splitting up. And that your marriage probably got a lot worse in your memory because having a bad marriage seemed a good excuse for being deceitful. We all want to be nice people, so subconsciously we follow the line of thought that makes us look as good as possible.

I also can't see the point of telling your wife - though after a year there's a good likelihood that she's noticed the signs but hopes you're not having one. If she actually asks, though, that's a different matter. Whatever happens, though, don't blame your wife for the actions you chose to take. In your post, you are straight on the defensive before we even know what you are defending yourself against - you start right out with your wife's affair so that we know right away that it's "justifiable" for you to have one. But one deceit does not justify another. It makes you as bad as the first deceiver. If she deceived you that would have been a good reason for you to leave, but it's not a reason for you to act the same. (If she had hit you, would that have justified you hitting her, or would you have acted more decently?)

should I make a break now and at least maintain some integrity until the split?
I really don't understand how dumping your mistress maintains your integrity. But if you think you are promising your mistress things you can't give her - a lasting, supportive, open relationship - then stop doing it. Be honest and see if she is then interested. And if you would rather go out and enjoy being single again, be honest about that too, man up and face reality. We all make mistakes; pretending you don't is one sure-fire way to make even more, as they are hard to avoid with your eyes closed.

Yes, end the affair.

No, don't tell your wife about it - what's the point? You are divorcing anyway and your kids will be hurt.

Yes, have some time by yourself for a while.

If you're even considering ending the affair, then your not obviously not committed to OW for the long term.
Break the affair, deal with your separation and then see where things are with OW.
Don't tell your wife, why cause more turmoil in an already difficult situation? Your children will doubtless be caught up in the crossfire.

I think you should leave both women and be single, but I suspect that like many men in your situation, the idea of being single and responsible for yourself at your age, is way too much for you to cope with.

As such, you'll straggle on with one or the other, until a third (more palatable) woman comes song that you can latch onto.

I'd love you to prove me wrong.

End the affair first. Make it a proper ending and not a pause with a "maybe in a couple of months..."

Agree a separation with your wife.

Don't volunteer that you've been having an affair. If you're asked, that's tricky. I'm not sure how I'd deal with that.