Marriage nearly over, guilty, do I end affair?

[procrastinating50]

I am a guy in my late 50's and am in turmoil
We have been married over 20 yrs and reasonably happy for 15 yrs
(2 children now in 20's)

I loved my wife dearly and still care about her and find her very attractive.
I discovered she was having an emotional (& possibly physical) affair 8 years ago with a young guy half her age. This painful experience has never been fully discussed and my wife has never acknowledged the hurt caused at the time. She avoids emotional conversations at all costs and always has done.

The cracks were papered over for the next few years during which time I joined a sports club and met many new friends. It was nice to meet women friends who made me feel more confident after the devastating effects of the affair. Around 1 year ago I started a relationship with one woman I had known for 3 years. (I cringe with guilt while I write that sentence). I justified this action by the actions of my wife
a few years ago and the assumption that she wouldn't be concerned anyway as she shows no affection to me whatsoever these days.

I finally talked to my wife recently when she admitted she didn't love me and was open to discussing separation when I suggested it, which I feel is inevitable now after my behaviour (I am generally a very honest person).
I was very relieved after the conversation as it cleared the air, however I did not confess to an affair, nor was I asked.

My main objective now is to end the marriage with as little harm as possible to my (adult) kids who still live at home. I know it's going to be a stressful period for all concerned and I feel if I continue seeing my affair partner it may just tip things over the edge with all the deceit involved. My head is telling me to end my affair and avoid the risk of my kids finding out. I do love the OW but need time to sell our house which may take months and think she may lose patience in this time. I don't want to mess her around but I don't feel at all able to commit to her, infact when I try to think positively of the future it's usually having my freedom from a toxic relationship along with good relations with my adult kids which are the main thoughts. The question I ask myself is has my affair just been a way of coping with a bad marriage and should I make a break now and at least maintain some integrity until the split? Do I also confess to having had a relationship? I can't believe I have ended up in this situation as my personal life was always normal until I was 50. That's life I suppose

Begin by admitting you're a hypocrite. You should have left your wife years ago instead of taking revenge to shore up your ego. You don't love anyone but yourself.

Back in the real world... I understand why you have behaved as you have. Nevertheless you need to end your marriage. Only then will you know what you really want. At the moment you are just two parents sharing a house. Your wife probably has someone else anyway... Someone has to do it. Be brave and be the first to jump. You are a long time dead. Don't waste your later life with someone you don't feel passionate about. Your current ow may not be the one for you but you and she may both be able to find that person once you give each other the chance to look.

Now that you have agreed to separate from your wife - and it sounds like this decision suits you both - I'm not sure there is anything to be gained by revealing that you have been having an affair.

Whether you continue the affair during the separation & divorce process is entirely up to you but if you have doubts about the strength of your feelings for the OW anyway it would seem sensible to call it off.

I don't think you should reveal the affair, I'm not sure what it would really achieve. Although, if there is the slightest chance of your W finding out it would probably be better coming from you first I suppose.
Re the OW, can you discuss your concerns to her? It makes sense to to call a halt to that relationship whilst you end your current one and concentrate on your adult children, if you are that good a pairing you may well come back together at a later time.
If you were to continue with OW you would have to be honest with both your wife and your DC I think, which could well make a difficult situation worse.

It's time to toughen up and take the plunge, I am afraid. Discuss an open marriage if you see fit, or separate.

So is a split definitely the cards or something that's been briefly mentioned?
I think you should split with OW for now whilst you end your marriage and sort the logistics and also reassuring your relationship with your children - although they're now adults they'll probably still be upset ar their parents split. If it's meant to be with OW then down the line you'll be able to re kindle your relationship if that's what you both want. Be honest with OW though don't have her waiting around for you to come back to her down the line if your not sure that's what you'll want. Does the OW even want a proper relationship with you or is she happy to continue as the OW?

Tbh I don't see why you should end the relationship with ow if you love her. End your marriage and be happy.

I don't see why you should end it with OW either, you and your wife are not happy. In fact you both seem up for separating and will both be happy when apart.

He's said he doesn't feel able to commit to OW at this point

I wouldnt confess to the affair if you are splitting anyway.i confessed to my other half 10 yrs ago and we stayed together although will probably split up now the dcs are grown.The other woman may not seem so appealing in the cold light of day.I would probably end it and focus on you and your dcs then find someone when you are free too and all the emotional turmoil is done.

I am also in a bit of a turmoil at the moment so your situation is like the opposite of mine.

So I will be honest and say that I don't see the point of saying anything about the ow really at this point, unless of course, you are asked outright. If so, you cannot lie. But, does ow know that you are married? I would be completely honest with her and say that you are separating and things will be up in the air for some time. If she runs for the hills, then you know what the situation is straight away there. If its meant to be, then she should give you the space you need.

Try to work on maintain an good relationship with your dc though. It doesn't matter if they are young adults, parents splitting up is upsetting for everyone, it doesn't matter if they are 9 or 19, plus the fact that they will be moving from their home, no matter who they choose to live with.

Good luck Pro.

I also don't think you need to end it with OW.
Maybe just cool it off for a bit.
Get your separation underway and then take it from there.
Your marriage has run it's course - time for both of you to move on now and find some happiness elsewhere.

I'm very grateful for the (mainly) helpful and kind comments, thank you. I didn't know what to expect from a mainly female membership as I only just registered and did get it in the neck from one or 2 (the worst comment was removed).
I think my decision needs to have the relationship between my kids and I at the forefront. How this is done remains to be seen.
Another priority is to remain sane in a situation like this. I never realised how emotional an imminent split from a family could be. I'm prepared to come clean if asked a question but can't expect kids to take it well,
Thanks again

This sounds like an exit affair to me.

It doesn't sound like you want to be with the ow anymore and that she's not figuring in your future. Most affairs don't turn into full relationships.

Do you actually want to divorce Op ?