family scapegoat

[ethelb]

I'm due to see my parents in two weeks and I'm really nervous about it.

I just started psychoanalytical therapy and have been helped to realise I am a bit of a scapegoat for the family (my mother rules the roost).

I'm very nervous about being unable to control my anger at her and her dismissing any upset (my DH is going through redundancies at work and she will blame any anger I have on being 'stressed' about that).

Has anyone ever made this situation work?

If therapy is beginning to raise deep seated issues which are causing you to feel angry at the way family members have behaved in the past, and at the ongoing dynamic resulting from their unchanged attitudes, it may be advisable to postpone the visit until you are to able to regard them with a degree of detachment that you are not feeling at the current time.

I would cite illness and cancel the visit. It does not bode well for you to at all visit them at this time.

Have you as yet spoken to the therapist about this visit, if so what was their counsel?.

Did your parents invite you?

What are your own boundaries like with regards to them?.

I would think that you are not just a bit of a scapegoat for them (that seems to be you underplaying this); they may well have made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

Making the situation work for all parties (well you in particular) will not be in their interests at all; they want to keep you in the scapegoat role. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Thanks for responding. I have avoided seeing them since July and I think questions will be asked if I delay it any longer (and be scapegoated again for causing issues etc).
I cancelled a visit in August right after I started therapy as extended family were going to be there, my husband couldn't come and I just couldn't face it. I don't think I can really put it off any longer without making the situation worse.
There are a couple flare points that I am hoping could be avoided but that I am dreading.

Does it matter that much to you if they 'raise questions' ? You don't sound as if you're in the right frame of mind to deal with them - even if it's in two weeks time.

OK if you feel you have to go (to keep everybody sweet) then don't stay long. Keep it breezy and light, don't get into anything remotely challenging.

I'm sorry to say this dynamic is set in concrete for life. There is no way you will change them. It took me a long time but I am now nc with my family for this reason. It's painful having no family but nowhere near as painful as having them. Some ppl in our position manage a very distant relationship but I couldn't.