I have posted various posts on here over the years. Cut a long story short, after returning from maternity leave after having my son over 4 years ago I began an affair with a collegue (no sex) everytime I met him I felt awful for it but didnt stop until one day like a slap in the face I realised what an idiot I had been & stopped all contact. After the advice of parents, friends,councellors they all told me not to tell my partner! Something which I regret. I lived with anxiety all the time but more so if he suggested doing something as a couple,last year whilst on holiday I told him the truth, he completely forgave me but to this day I dont forgive myself & I dont know why. In July I found out I was pregnant & we decided to have a termination as I felt so anxious from the moment I found out & thiught if I get anxious about going bloodh abroad with him.or a night ojt its not right to have another child (such a shame as its all ive ever wanted & enjoyed is being a mum) anyway we have been living seperate since & are not together anymore but are still sleeping together, we went ojt together a few weeks ago for drinks, i couldnt relax all day, so anxious but when I was out I was fine (obv the drink helped) we weere supposed to be going away this Friday & now ive cancelled as I feel too anxious,so pathrtic I know. Im currently coming off my citalapram & cried last night for the first time in weeks as he text to sah it will never work if I keep being like this. Does anyone else know why I am being such a kn*b or experience anuthkng like it? I dont know why I cant forgive myself !!