Sister's behaviour - Abusive? Personality disorder? Autism? Or something else?

[ThePartyArtist]

I am really struggling with my relationship with my sister and the effect her behaviour's having on the whole family.

For many years - since her teens - she's behaved in very difficult ways. She can be extremely aggressive, fly off the handle, scream at you in public without embarassment, decide she is not speaking to you for a misdemeanour that is misunderstood or entirely fictional, and displays very little empathy. As a teenager she had a rather sad life - socially isolated, lonely, depressed, self harming - no formal diagnoses for these but evident in her behaviour for many years. Once she left school and went away to uni things improved socially, although her tendency to see things in black and white continued to cause us frustrations at times. She developed many more friendships, a longterm relationship with a nice person, and developed confidence. It was early in her time away from home that she sustained a head injury and developed some other health problems which did cause life to be a bit of a struggle, and I wonder if these factors are important.

Despite her improved social situation and overall big improvement in happiness, we did continue to experience problems because she rapidly swung from really liking my new boyfriend, to openly hating him. She accused him of intruding on the family and there were many hurtful incidents over the years ranging from her screaming at him, to not speaking to him. The latter she does until this day - we've been together for over ten years now and are married, so it makes things difficult when - in order to see my family - my husband has to tolerate her ignoring him or scoffing at things he says.

Her relationship with my other sister (DC2 to avoid confusion) is similarly fraught. At school they were very competitive over friendships, faught often, swung from best friends to worst enemies frequently. I think the worst example of behaviour was when DC1 invited DC2 to her house to stay, then had a big argument with her over something imagined and attacked DC2 (screaming and hitting) in the street and then abandoned her in a large unfamiliar city late at night. Most recently they went on holiday together with DC1's longterm partner and my parents. On the journey there (both DCs and DC's partner in the car) DC1 screamed and hit DC2 for either minor or entirely imaginary things. Since then, DC2 has decided she has had enough and stopped speaking to her. We were due to go away this weekend with the whole family and meet DC1's partner's family for the first time, however DC1 has uninvited DC2 last minute.

Our parents despair of her behaviour. Over the years they have tried reasoning with her (it doesn't work as she shows no empathy); trying to discipline her (resulted in screaming and crying when she was a child, but is not practical / possible for them to discipline her now she is an independent adult); and ignoring the behaviour in the hope it goes away. As I said, she was very sad as a teenager and I think they feared upsetting her any more. On some occasions they saw that DC2 was causing some social issues between the two of them, e.g. excluding DC1 from friendship groups, so our parents sometimes saw DC1 as the victim even when she responded with abusive behaviour. We all believe she carries a huge amount of hurt and anger with her from the past even though relationships are now improved, but we can't seem to get beyond her displaying angry behaviour on a regular basis, then returning to normal. The whole family have resorted to tolerating her aggressive outbursts followed by periods of not speaking to one of us, as they happen several times a year and then without warning she is friendly again and everyone carries on as if it never happens. Trying to talk about it causes another outburst and she can't ever seem to empathise with the person she's hurt or see how her behaviour's effected others. Our parents have sometimes suggested a form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder however DC2 and I feel this is inaccurate as this behaviour's limited to the family (as far as we know) as she holds down jobs, friendships and a longterm relationship. We have wondered if it could be some kind of personality disorder. We feel it is hugely unlikely she'd consider any form of therapy and would not dare broach this with her.

I really don't know how to proceed. It breaks my heart to think of anyone in the family not speaking.

@Slobberlotcher - thank you, you are absolutely right, a diagnosis probably wouldn't really help other than to explain things. I feel it might help us all to respond in the right way though. Currently different members of the family take different approaches but the general pattern is try to reason with her, quickly give up because it is futile and leads to more abuse, then feel upset until she's decided it's blown over, then go back to normal out of relief it has - and not challenge her.

Things have reached a head because DC2 has decided this is the final straw and she is not speaking to her because it's about time she responded in a way she would if a friend treated her this way. I have expressed sadness to DC2 that she's excluded DC2 from our weekend away together but DC2 has just said she's very happy DC2 is not coming - not showing any remorse / empathy.

You don't say what kind of head injury she had, but that can have a major impact - personality changes, aggression, mood swings, emotional volatility, lack of emotion, self-centeredness, there may be some PTSD too etc.

You say she was depressed and self-harming prior to that, so she obviously had some pre-existing problems when the injury happened.

So it's very difficult to know what has caused her issues. The only way to get to the bottom of it would be for her to go to a psychiatrist.

Did she have feedback from doctors as to the extent of brain injury at the time? Was she warned about possible personality changes?

I disagree actually - I think a diagnosis would help you understand what you and she are dealing with, even if you can't change anything.

There's information and support available for relatives of people with personality disorders and other mental illnesses, and also for head injuries, as well as support for the individuals themselves.

Have you ever spoken to her partner about the way she behaves towards her family? Can s/he rationalise it?

OP said it was 'unlikely' she would consider 'therapy', but, in fact, they've no idea as they've never asked her.

But I'm not suggesting therapy, I'm suggesting diagnosis.

Op, in some ways this sounds a lot like my sister - minus the violence. But the constant aggression to one particular sister, (and no ability to explain why she feels that way), the mood swings, and lots of other inexplicable behaviour (every task will only take '15 minutes' so didn't need to be started until just before needed, several hours later - when it's too late - she's finally done it all!!).

We were at wits end, and it was at the point of removing her eldest daughter from the home and housing her with a different sister that I tried to do a bit more researching.

I found Rudy Simone's web page, and a list of female Asperger traits. She ticks off every single one. (She thinks she doesn't tick off the lack of empathy one because she feels she's very empathetic, but she really, really isn't!)

I went through the chart with my sister, and she was in tears by the end of it. She said 'I'm not crazy then, am I?'.

But.... this was in her late 40s, when pretty much her whole life had unravelled. Up until her early 40s, to the outside world, she was fine. Even now, when she puts effort into it she can appear totally fine, not at all aggressive, friendly, helpful, charming. But maintaining that puts her into emotional overload and with the family she goes off the rail, she can't maintain the façade any more. She turned to alcohol to shut down the noise, she now visibly stims (she apparently always stimmed, but in ways we never noticed).

Looking into it more, I think my mother displays a lot of Asperger traits, which would be one of the reasons why none of us have ever realised. How do you realise things are not as they should be, when you have been surrounded by it your whole life?

Looking at myself and my other sisters, we all have some traits, but probably not enough to be considered on the spectrum. It's made me more aware of my behaviour though, and why I go into shutdown mode occasionally.

anyway, it's all just the opinions of strangers, isn't it?

Well yeah, so just accept that someone thinks differently and stop going on about it.

DC2 has decided this is the final straw and she is not speaking to her because it's about time she responded in a way she would if a friend treated her this way

She's absolutely right. Whatever the cause of your sister's problems, you're all being bullied by her. You're too afraid to set boundaries and face her with the consequences of her actions.

It's ok to say quietly that if she does x then y will result. Like not being included on this holiday for example.

She may not speak to you for a while, but at least you'll get some peace, and she'll have time to reflect on the consequences of her behaviour

At the moment she has no reason to address her behaviour because the family are unintentionally enabling it.

Agree with Twinkle re boundaries etc. What will also help your sister, whether it's ASD, a PD or acquired brain injury, is consistency in approach by all family members.

Thanks everyone.

I am ruling out autism because this behaviour can be switched on and off, and is directed at family only, and even then it is directed at some people more than others.

I am deeply upset by this. DS1 is lying to me now - I told her it made me very sad that she uninvited DS2 and she said she didn't uninvite her, even though her other messages give reasons for uninviting.

I have begged both sisters to have a truce if there can't be apologies, as they are at a complete stalemate waiting for each other to apologise. I feel my family's being torn apart by this and I can't understand why DS1 doesn't think this affects anyone else, she maintains it's between the two of them.

Actually feel ill with this.

So hard to say what is happening here - my best friend from school's sister has always been like this (when we were younger she flitted between idolising me and loathing me, for just no apparent reason, and her life/relationships and friendships have blown apart many times) and she was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder - but of course it may be different to this. It was incredibly hard for my friend, who ended up in counselling about it all because he had always ended up in this odd compensatory role where he had to be endlessly cheerful.

Do you think, hand on heart, that your sister can 'help' her behaviour? If not, maybe this is less about changing her, and more about deciding what you are prepared to give, and what you need to do to protect yourself - perhaps you need counselling yourself! At least you have control over that part. I do sympathise.

I think you and your parents need to discuss and make a decision on how to present a united from to DS1 and not deviate from it. Calm firm boundaries.

"When you text x y z it is clear you have uninvited her. You don't have to like each other just be civil. This is hurting us and you are forcing us to choose"

Op, my dd (7yo) is currently being assessed for autism. It's taken 2 years so far, and we still do not have a diagnosis. Main reason for this is that she masks her symtoms, so school says she is 'fine', but I feel that many of the traits your describe your sister having, dd also has.

She is rude and aggressive, says very mean things. But has friends, is popular (but I see the masking of this 'popularity', she tends to take on the personality of her friends, so at times she is bubbly, at other times more laid back, depending on who is her 'best friend' at the time.

I'm pretty convinced she has pathological demand avoidance - worth looking up. I have 4 Dds, v close in age, dd is no. 2 and used to seeing how girls 'should' act. She is particularly vemenous to dd3 and it breaks my heart. Threatening to kill her daily. As a parent, is is such a fucking difficult place to be.

chatting thanks for sharing your story. It is the reason why every day I appear like a neurotic parent to the teachers at school and psych staff I've seen over the past two years. After self harming at the age of 6, a camhs therapist finally agreed with me, and so we start the slow process towards diagnosis (although still always uncertain). I hope we can get dd2 on an even keel, and then the rest of our family too. I realise also that my brother is autistic, but undiagnosed. I wouldn't focus so much on her ability to turn it 'on or off', dd seems like this also - she just saves the 'best' for us because she feels more comfortable with us, she can release her anxieties for us.

As regards your latest update OP, you need to take a step back.

You should let DS1 deal with her in her own way. It's not actually any of your business. Trying to make her feel guilty isn't fair.

And you certainly don't need to wade in and beg for a truce.

Let them sort it out between themselves.

So, DC1 has recently and repeatedly been physically violent and abusive towards DC2. Well, there is no diagnosis that would require DC2 to carry on as if nothing had happened after such attacks. DC1's behaviour was unacceptable and she has no insight into her own behaviour or the effect she has on other family members. I can't imagine why DC2 would want to go to family occasions with DC1, they sound awful.

This is not something that requires "a truce" between DC1 and DC2. Instead DC2 might decide to go no contact simply to protect herself from someone whose behaviour towards her is violent, abusive and unpredictable. Or at least DC2 could stop doing dangerous things like staying with DC1 or going on holidays with her.

If DC1's behaviour is the result of autism or a head injury (both are possible from what you've said, family often bear the brunt) then your family still needs strong boundaries that protect other family members and not just DC1 herself. She may not understand the hurt and damage that her behaviour causes, much less be able to apologise for it, but that doesn't make it any less damaging for other people. I'm not saying the family have to shut her out altogether, but the family do have to keep a balance between her needs and wishes and everyone else's.

And you will need to think about ways to include both DC1 and DC2 in the family, perhaps separately if DC2 does not want DC1 in her life. You all sound over-involved in each other's lives, now and in the past. Many teenagers want separate social lives and your family's expectation that DC2 would include DC1 was too idealistic and it has allowed DC1 to blame DC2 for her teenage social problems instead of looking to her own behaviour. And why are you now making yourself ill over this quarrel? It's really not your business. There is no reason for this to tear the family apart.

It is also strange that you expect your husband to put up with insults. If DC1 cannot be minimally polite to him then why is she present all the time you visit family? Can you and he not see other family members without her?

"It breaks my heart to think of anyone in the family not speaking."

Then you need to get over that because it's not healthy. Re-think your priorities. Nothing is perfect and in reality not speaking to each other may be the least-worst option. At least, it's less bad than expecting other family members to accept violence or to tolerate years of insults.

Hang on, you can see that DSis1 is the cause of this, yet you have begged BOTH sisters to apologise and call a truce?

And THAT is why abusive people get away with it, because everyone encourages the easy going person to back down.

Stop trying to play peacemaker. You're just trying to mask the problem.

If DSis one is acting like a bitch, then you need to support DSis 2.

imip that must be incredibly hard parenting work. There is a lot of information online about girls and women with Aspergers Syndrome (for example, google "Aspiengirl"). OP it can't be ruled out because she seems to turn it on and off. Like standing on tiptoes, acting neurotypically is difficult for people with AS to do for extended periods.

This all sounds very difficult. I agree with littlemiss.I really think you need to respect your sisters decision. It sounds like she's suffered some horrible treatment and she's entitled to draw the line. Your sister doesn't have to tolerate abuse to keep the rest of the family happy and she shouldn't be expected to.

I also agree it's unreasonable that your husband is expected to put up with her insults. It sounds like your sister is the only one willing to stand up to her.

If you don't want contact, explain why and get on with your life. If your sister is on the autism spectrum you will likely frustrate and exhaust her anyway.

Google neurological, there are many descriptions of your brainstructure's behaviour noted by non neurological people.

Another one here thinking that littlemiss speaks a lot of truth.

I agree you should be able to feel safe.

I couldn't link last night for some reason, while today I can.

musingsofanaspie.com/2013/01/10/what-is-neurotypical/