How to tell if a (shy) man is attracted/interested?

[noclueses]

Hi, I'm loving Keith Lemon atm hence the obvious username, ha!

Anyway, I'm well away from my teenage years, but after being single for a bit, I seem to have no clue anymore in telling whether someone is attracted unless they are VERY direct.
The issue is, I've dated those very full-on men and it doesn't last, they aer not my type and imo turn out to be controlling (at which point they get dumped). I like shy men, not socially so much but with women. The vulnerability is attractive to me as I'm sensitive myself. BUT I just can't tell with them!

Please tell me what to look for, to distinguish between friendliness and attraction. I'm interested in one guy and he looks at me a lot (I do same) but it's all sort of 'circling around each other and no action' - all at his work place where he is the boss and where there are always onlookers, so how do you tell? sorry that it's quite a silly thread but I can't stop thinking about him.

Just ask him out. Direct, and you find out whether or not he is interested. If not, you can move on to someone else.

thanks Knackered, I just can't do that! for one, I can't ask him out at his work place with people listening/looking on as it's all very open plan. Secondly, I'm not brave enough anyway, I've only done this kind of first step when I was quite sure he fancies me and it was always by text/email, I can't do it face to face (unless a drink is involved!)

I just want some advice on how to pick up on non-verbal clues. He comes across as a bit shy, as I said.

anyone? tell me how you knew that your now BF/DP was interested?

Surely you already know - he spends a lot of time looking at you!

Why don't you just find a pretext to email him and loosely hang out a coffee date on the end of it - that way you can pretend it's not a date at all but use the experience to judge how interested he really is.

There is loads on the internet about body language and cues we give off when we're interested in someone.

thanks Pounding, it's ridiculous but I keep thinking about him, and was so disappointed not to see him at his work place today. What if he is just being friendly - very likely tbh? I'd just really like to read some stories of how people 'just knew' - it's so easy to confuse looks/smiles with just friendliness and politeness.
He did ask me when we first got talking 'have we met before?' - we didn't but maybe he just thinks I look familiar so that's why he's looking.

I don't have his direct email - I've left my email and number today with his colleague with a pretext that if he needs to contact me re my (work-related) query, then he can but there is no REAL need for him to do that and also I do hope the message will get passed as at least I can see then if he uses that opportunity.

If I met him in some social setting/away from his work I wouldn't really have such a problem asking him out in some indirect way.

Can you see if you can get a common topic of interest on the go, might be work related or a current affairs topic or a hobby, something that you are both interested in something along those lines so you can talk together and get it all going that way?.

There might be some event on the go a meeting or anything a classical concert even, ask him if he's interested in going or you'd like to go and It'd be nice to have someone else interested to come along?.

That shouldn't be too threatening for either of you!.

I think all sounds very sweet:)

well I'm very shy around women that I fancy and pretty much do as this guy appears to, look and smile a lot and hope for some kind of positive reaction!

thanks, Justaboy and virgo.
We have an interest in common but actually asking him to go anywhere with me while everyone around listens, is difficult. It's a weird, very open-plan workplace where all the personnel are walking/sitting around their boss (him). I somehow need to arrange a one to one, but how. Phoning would be ok but then it would be odd for me to just phone with a chat and asking him out. I would so much prefer to see him if I'm asking him out, too.

virgo, so what happens when you do get a positive reaction, i.e. same smiling and looks from them (I do that) - do you still wait for then to ask you out or step up yourself then? Any suggestions apart from what I'm doing already? of course, again, he may think I'm just friendly though I think he can feel the connection.

*wait for them

yes if I'm sure the interest is reciprocated then I'll make the next step but it's always difficult to tell, like you say is it just friendliness? maybe he's not sure if you're really interested. you could always ask him to grab a sandwich with you one lunchtime, or go for a coffee or something- the trick is to make it sound as casual as a work gesture, that's what I'd do in that situation. Once you're both away from the open plan environment then you can talk a bit more. I'm at a loss as to why women always leave it to us men, we're just as nervous and unsure of the signals as you are!

I don't work with him - it would have been so much easier. I come to his workplace about once a month, though it's been twise in two weeks recently once and that's when we started talking finally! I really enjoyed the warming of the atmosphere, as before that ther ewas this awkward circling around. BUT I can't ask him out for a sandwich as I'm just a vistor and again it would sound very direct in front of all. I may just say I'm about to have a coffee next door without asking him as such, and then hope that he will offer to join me. There are a lot of women working around him and I don't want them to witness I'm asking him out! I come in contact with them a little too sometimes, just on a 'hi and wave' basis.
Believe me, I don't think that - I've asked men out before - usually not face to face but by phone or email, usually it doesn't work! they turn out not be single. I was of course asked out too, but men only did this when we were unobserved. In this case, he's hte boss of the place, and lsp a bit younger than me, so really I'm sort of more vulnerable as I'm on his territory.
What do you think of the fact I've left my number with his colleague in case he meeds to ask me something - do you think if he is interested he'll jump at the chance to phone? or may be shy even for that? I'm hoping..

it looks like you're doing about as much as you can without making it blindingly obvious, which is what we try to avoid right? if his colleague has passed you're number on then he knows he's got the option to phone, he should take it as a hint really, tbh :)

well I did have a reason to leave my number, as a client with a query but I passed it in terms of 'if he needs to comment' on something, so not a direct hint really and it depends how the colleague will put it to him, he may just say 's he said if there is any issue with the order, then contact her'. But it would be so nice if he did. I'd be ready with some sort of suggestion of meeting but again have to be careful. Tbh I'm probably deluded and he may just see me a flirty, somewhat older but attractive, and just a nice diversion to his day, for all I know he's not single. It's just the vibes are there, pretty sure. Been for months. People often don't act on vibes unfortunately.

Do you know this is soo funny and very sweet and a bit 19th Century;!.

What you really need is to be "introduced" that's how the works kicked off back then, you couldn't directly approach a woman let alone a man in polite society;)

'circling around each other and no action' that makes me think of two shy pandas somewhere;)

Can you say how old you are and his estimated age at all?. Unless he is really very shy I'd have expected for him to have made some sort of move by now. You say you haven't got his e-mail well come on, a lady should have no bother finding that out just ask one of the other women when he's not there that you "promised to mail him some things over and you wrote his address down and have misplaced it".

I just wonder re these other women there're quite good at gossip and intelligence finding out you should be able to ascertain if he's married or not at least!. Chat to them.

How did those other relationships start?.

If you have to work so hard at getting past 'First Base', and have to resort to having to "pick up on non-verbal cues" to the extent you are, then I'd say perhaps he just isn't that into you.

There comes a point when you may need to think, he's a grown adult and if he's as shy as you say he is, after making enough of an effort to get yourself into his zone, then you may be on a 'hiding to nothing'.

I don't personally like overly-extrovert cocky men but I don't think an overly-shy man is that appealing either!

I've just read your update, that you've been like this for months.

I think it may be a lost cause ..... sorry, but life's too short maybe?

My DH and I are not particularly forward with this dort of thing. I was told by friends who knew both of us to get out of my comfort zone (and some) to stick my neck out . I did. And... well we're married. Honestly. It was so easy when I just asked (I got borderline tipsy - obviously not ideal at work). Re. Open plan. Could you ask him to help you take something to the car or help get five drinks / get the door so you have no 'audience'.

The best way you can let him know you fancy him is hold his gaze for a few seconds, look away and then look back into his eyes and smile, that would tell me a woman fancies me every time. I like you leaving your number for him, the two together are about all you can do apart from make a move yourself. Ps, I think going for the shy guy is much better than the gobby big head, far better chance for a long term relationship.

Sighing, so what did you do - just asked? but must have had some idea he liked you, so how did that show? Good idea re asking him to come out under some pretence - I will try.
Male, yes the look - we always chat when we aer that close up so smiling and looking may not be enough - or maybe he does know I fancy him by now, as I do that.
daisy, no it wasn't like that for months, I only started chatting with him three weeks ago, before that when i visited about once a month or so, it was looks from a distance but he didn't approach me which Ithought was very odd whjat with all the looks - exactly came across as 'we haven't been imtroduced' as Justaboy describing, he is old school and shy but ilike that. Evebtually I sort of looked really directly while standing and waiting with some prepared business related thing so then he came up and asked if I needed help, but after tat it escalated a lot last couple of times I've seen him -more and more chat. The problem is, I'm not there often and last time he wasn't in.
No Just, no way I'll be asking the women he works with - I'm trying to AVOID them knowing I'm interested as they don't know me but know him and would gossip! hence the whole charade really.
Male, exatly, Ilike him a lot from what I've seen, btw he's not socially shy with others at all so I do have a hope that if he's diffrent wit me, it may mean attarction. But who knows. I did get a gobby big-head approach me very recently, we went out a few times, but guess what, I don't like it that he's cocky. Really though, most nice guys who aer also shy are already taken 0- by more brazen women ha, and I would haev been v=brzen if I met him away from work, at least brazen-ish.

IME (I married one) you'll need to make the first move - suggest going out for coffee/grabbing some lunch/going for a walk/whatever (something nice and none threatening, don't just jump on him). If he agrees you may he gradually becomes less shy. With (now) dh we used to work late a lot, progressed to dinner and doing stuff as friends over the course of 6 months, then he finally declared an interest in me (I couldn't have made my interest in him any more obvious if I'd had 'I fancy you' tattooed on my forehead), we dated for a year and were married a year later.

aw that's great, Barbarian. Did he say he knew for a while that you were interested, just was scared of a relationship, or did he actually not know??
you aer a very patient woman! if i was working late with someone daily or frequently, I couldn't possibly let it be 6 mnth! a friends route is so slow, but yes sometimes it's what it takes. It helps if you aer absolutely sure and determined about him, I'm still at a stage of trying to get to know his personality (obv know generally). I just feel a very strong pool to him even though in some ways (visually) he's not my usual type but to me this means there is more than shallow fancying. I do feel we ar so similar in many ways yet he's exciting to me, not brotherly sort of thing.

pull , not 'pool' duh!

noclueses At this rate your going to be retied from work before you even go out anywhere!. Stop messin just go in there grab his tie and pull him outside saying "I want words with you"!!

Don't mean to be facetious but this is soo sweet and olde worldly. Your a bit like my first wife she was very shy and I remember her dressed in those olden world Victorian and Edwardian dresses she wore back then:)

still remember those phrases she used like "By your leave" "pray tell" and "young man" and "kind sir!"

when i said ask those girls in his office it was only for his e-mail address that's nothing out of the norm is it?. After all you only want to send him some documents work related.

Or else get someone to phone up the office pretending to be from a firm that he asked them for some info and just get his e mail address that way say you thought is was firstname.surname@ whatever.com etc but you must have got a something wrong as mails come bouncing back, nothing too underhand doing that is there?.

Best of luck:)

I thought you were suggesting to ask those women whether he was single! Yes I coulod manage to get his email address, and then what do I do? Ask him out directly by email? I don't feel it's right at this stage as I don'tknow him well or whether he's got a gf, and I don't need to send any docs either it would be just some inane question! I think I will follow the advice ofthe poster above to try and ask him to help with something out of the building or to say I'm going for a coffee to the place next door - if he doesn't follow me then he's not interested presumably.