Why does my mother hate me?

[VBOB101]

The more I seem to do well in life, the more my mother verbally and emotionally abuses me. Can you please explain the logic of this to me? She physically, verbally & emotionally abused me throughout childhood because I didn’t live up to her expectations. I felt a lot of shame about this and like I was a bad egg. Now I have done well in life and I feel like more of a good egg she is still not happy.

We have a nice house but she insists that it is dirty and I keep it terribly and she will not touch cupboards and doorhandles and looks pained every time she comes round and keeps threatening to call social services. I have a good relationship with my children, but she constantly tells me they would rather live with her and they hate me (they don’t.) I am a perfectly normal weight and size (size 10) but she tells me that I’m fat and I need to go on a diet. She sends me Evans catalogues through the post and signs me up to weightwatchers and slimming world with my email address. I have a good job but she insists that I probably slept with someone to get it and probably "still give sexual favours to keep it."

I know this is highly dysnfunctional behavior. I know I should check out stately homes. I know she is narc/borderline, but can somebody please tell me what is going on in her head? What is the logic she is following?

Is it that she thinks I am innately bad and that it is her job to keep everyone and herself safe from me? But surely she would need a reason to think this? Or is she simply reacting from a place she doesn’t really understand?

My love, you'll never work her out. That way madness lies.

She is not normal, you know this. You know you wouldn't do this to your dc, no friend of yours would do this to their children, not would any friend of yours treat you the way your mother does.

My love, there is nothing you can do here, nothing at all, just protect yourself and your children

You have to work towards cutting her out of your lives. It is that cut and dried I am sorry to say...

Some people feel so low about themselves and try to deal with it by putting others down. It sounds as if maybe the better you have done in life, the harder your mum is having to work to maintain a feeling of superiority. Alternatively she may be projecting on to you things that she subconsciously hates about herself.

In short, I believe it's jealousy. My mother is similar, but not as extreme as yours. Same mentality tho.

I know someone like that, in her case she just doesn't like anyone. I thought she'd be different with her DC, but sadly not.

She's a bitch, plain and simple.

Nothing you can do to fix a bitch.

My mother is is similar but not quite so mental. She is jealous and fucked up pure and simple. I don't bother with mine much anymore. Remember it is not you x

Yep, agree with previous posters. There's simply no point in trying to understand. Just accept that it (wrongly) is

My Mother is insanely jealous. To the extent she tries to belittle me, without success. The only reason we have a relationship is because of DS.

It's actually hilarious the extent she will go to. Get this, whenever me and DH/DS get invited to dinner, we never get offered pudding. If DSIS and BIL go, they get offered a variety We have progressed to having dessert spoons on the table though

Hissy is absolutely right

You know when you meet new people, and for no good reason, after all you've never met them before, one of them just really obviously dislikes you ?
and really its nothing at all to do with you - it really is all about them - something about their past is "triggered" by something in you - perhaps the way you look or move or gesture is like someone from their past they have reason to dislike - its probably entierly unconcious on their part but they just dont like you - you effectivly trigger them
well its bloody tragic when that person is your mum -
and shes clearly not the kind of person that would examine their own motivation for doing something...or she would have

Celebrate the fact you don't understand it. It would be worrying if you did.

You could relentlessly challenge her reasoning, but she is likely to make things up rather than question her own thinking - people do...its easier.
She could do a course of CBT, but again shed have to want to - or be self aware..it depends how much bothof you value your relationship, it may already be too damaged to undergo such scrutiny, but, on the flip side, its not going to get any better as thins are...so what have you got to loose by suggesting she needs help?

or shes jealous

Yes she's jealous. But there has to be more to it than that. Some of the stuff she's coming up with is vile. What happens when she says these things? Do you say anything to challenge her?

I don't have any wisdom about why your mother might treat you like this.

But I did just want to say, as a mother, how very sorry I am that you have had to deal with this your whole life and how very well it sounds like you have done to cope and also to thrive without that fundamental support.

I can only hope my DS is half as successful as you in life

It makes me angry on your behalf that you have to cope with this. I think you should tell her what a shit mother she has been to you and then go NC. And I never ever say such things on these threads, but in your case you deserve not to have to put up with her abuse any longer,

Here, have some more

The reasons why people behave the way they do can be as illogical as they are unfathomable, but in your mother's case I'd hazard a guess that she's jealous of you and furious that you didn't turn out to be the bad egg she predicted when you were a child as she can't dine out on tales of your dreadful exploits, or be regarded as a saint for putting up with you.

As an adult, the ties that once bound you to her have long since disappeared and it is entirely up to you as to whether you want to allow this bitter and hate filled woman to have a presence in your life.

If you're not entirely happy about her being around your dc, or if you're tired of her constant attempts to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, you'll be perfectly within your rights to cut all contact with her or reduce it to a level where you can allow her comments to pass over you while regarding her as some curious species to whom you are unaccountably related but share of its traits.

Well done for emerging from the crucible of her warped thinking as a strong and confident woman who has every reason to be proud of yourself and no reason to believe otherwise.

share none of its traits

At the root of all behaviour are the following:

1. Power
2. Revenge
3. Attention-seeking
4. Self-confidence

I would say it sounds like primarily revenge (she hates the fact you are having a better life than her) and self-confidence (anyone with a positive self image wouldn't spend time being spiteful towards others in this way).
Sorry but she sounds terrible. Why do you want her in your life? Can you minimise her involvement?

You forgot fear....^^

I am sorry you have this cross to bear. I am impressed you have made a success of life inspite of all the put downs.

Yes actually fear is also a cause. You're quite right. Could it be linked into any of the others? Maybe it's at the root of them all, in fact.

Agree with jealousy.

My mum is jealous of me. She often talked about how she could only do teaching or nursing. How the only reason she went to a good school was because her father was keeping up with the Joneses. She grew up in the 50s, it was a different time. But rather than be happy for me that I have more choices, she is furious that I don't make the choices she would have made.

My advice is to keep her away from your children and lower contact. Look after yourself, and don't let her bring you down.

Great points here!

I need to point out tho that people like her will do anything to hurt us. This includes hurting those we love to get to us.

My mother started to hurt my son to get to me. That was the end, the full stop. I gave her one chance to make up for the disaster she and her h wrought on my home, but she blew it.

That's it now, she's gone from our lives.

I always wondered if my being born came between her and my dad, as he seemingly favoured me as I was like him somehow, but he's cut from the same cloth too tbh, puts himself first in everything and only does things for himself. I don't bother with him now either. He makes noise about "family" but won't think twice about snubbing any opportunity to actually see ds for ds sake. He only does things that he can report to his mates in the clubhouse.

My mother would ignore any need for support or help I had. But she's make up stories about what she did. Complete fabrications. So she knew what she should have done, but lied about it to others to make herself look normal/caring.

The anguish and hurt of situations like these cut deeper than anything, the pain is indescribable.

You will want to make sense of it, but you really can't. It's best not to even try. As someone said, if you did understand it would be more worrying

Its not us, it's them, and there is nothing we can do to change anything; only protect ourselves and our children.

Indeed Hissy, my mot we looks back on the part with rose coloured glasses and has this compulsion to do good things to show her in a good/caring light bordering on martyrdom. She's actually fanatical.