I've broken my little family up :(

[tessie31082]

Hi all!
Previously started threads on here about my relationship with my now very new (1 1/2 hours ago) exDP in the last couple of months. Basically, I've fallen out of love with him, I totally went off sex, lots of little niggles and things put into perspective after having DS 2 1/2 years ago!
I feel sooo sooo crap for breaking up my DS's family although I will try as much as I can to keep exDP and his family involved.
Where do I go from here? I have spoken to my Mum - 1st time I have confided in her although she already knew something wasn't right for a long time! What happens next? I'm a crying, snotty, dribbling mess of a thing tonight trying to drink tea that's too sweet and a big bar of Galaxy caramel! I'm not sure what to think next, what to start doing, do I tell close family or not yet?! What did you do? My exDP has already stated he wants to see DS everyday and take him to his sisters 2 weddings (Exeter in Nov and Cornwall on Boxing Day) - I genuinely can't bear to be apart from DS over night. In his 2 1/2 years he's stayed with my Mum twice (and I totally trust her- she's a young Nanna) and I didn't sleep and once with his Dad (my exDP) at home when I had a minor op and had to stay in hospital over night! How do / did you cope with you little one being away for a whole day and night? How long will I feel guilty for? Sorry for the rambling, just needed to get something out. My Mum is coming over after work tomorrow so I am looking forward to that instead of thinking about all this but it doesn't go away, it's still there!! My poor baby's life is changing and I'm feeling so incredibly guilty :( I know it's my fault but I have just been so unhappy for a long time. Sorry, rambling again, I'll make this my last sentence!
Tessie

Oh dear. Well I guess the first thing is don't rush. You know your son needs relationship with his dad to continue, so it is your (and his) responsibility to facilitate that. Overnight stays are important, if your son is comfortable with that then that's the most important thing. He absolutely must not know you're unhappy about him going. Same for family weddings, he has a right to know and continue to be a part of his father's extended family.

nephrofox - I know that, its just me! I just have so much love for my little guy that I can't comprehend the thought of him not being with me over night! Silly I know! Crying about it again and it's not even here yet! My exDP (this has been on a previous thread) doesn't wake up in the night (I've always had to shake him awake to see to DS) when DS cries out / asks for a drink / needs a wee! What will he do when I'm not there? ExDP doesn't have a great deal of patience either and is often short and stern with DS too and sometimes a little too rough. I just can't deal with this side of things!

Well you just have to do it and manage your feelings as they arise.

Ok, well to be blunt, unless you had a baby with your ex half suspecting he'd be a shit dad (in which case more fool you) you have to just let him get in with being the sort of parent that he is. Mothers don't own their children, don't have the monopoly on good parenting and aren't always right.

Your way of doing things is right for you and his way of doing things is right for him. And you'll probably find he's a lot better at waking up for his son when he doesn't have you to rely on.

You can deal with this side of things because you have to.

Tbh (and this is going to sound harsh, but you need to get a grip) crying about your child being away overnight in a couple of months time is, frankly, a little pathetic.

What else do you have in your life besides your son? Having something to look forward to doing when he's with his dad might help.

He's not a baby, he's 2 and a half and his life will be changing all the time. Try seeing it all as a big adventure and he will manage fine.

In a nutshell, you need to deal with it pragmatically rather than emotionally. Getting upset about it isn't going to change things so you can either indulge your emotional side, or find ways to distract it.

I know what you're feeling. Dp and I are on the brink of splitting up and he took dd away for the weekend and I fell apart to the extent that I chose to get back together. It's so hard but I think from reading your previous thread you have made the right decision

It's really a bit harsh to tell the OP she is a 'little pathetic' for crying about her son staying overnight a couple of months away.
It's also not helpful to tell her to deal with this pragmatically rather than emotionally.

I know. Because 8 years ago I was in her place and it was shit. I had been away from my son overnight only a handful of times and it was heart-wrenching to know that it would become a regular feature of my life.
Just because you don't love your partner any more doesn't mean the break up is any less emotionally difficult to deal with. I had no idea the relationship would break down the way it did in the two years following my DS birth and I had never, ever thought that I would have to come to terms with being away from him other than at times it was my decision to.

tessie - the honest truth is that it will be hard, but you will find ways to deal with it and eventually you do get used to it all. My DS is 10 now and has no memory of those early days, when suddenly he had two homes rather than one. We went immediately for 50/50 care but that is because my ex had been around a lot and it was the least disruptive way to do things for DS.
I am re-married now and have another child. I'm happy. My ex is re-married and happy. Our son is happy and we all get on. It's possible for this to work out amicably in the long run, but in the short term it's going to be painful and sometimes difficult. Make sure you have a good support network around you, build a life for yourself.

I didn't say she was a little pathetic, I said it was a little pathetic crying now about her child staying away overnight with his dad in a couple if months time.

And I admit it's harsh, but it's also true.

Look, OP, the bottom line is that it's going to happen. So you can either spend every day betwen now amd then dreading it, lamenting it and crying about it, or you can think, pragmatically, about what you're going to do.

It is difficult, but you have a choice whether you indulge the sadness and wallow, or whether you say, ok, I'm going away for the night. I'm going to go with a friend to Bath or visit my old university city and pretend I'm 18 again, just cos I can, or I'm going to go to book into a premier inn woth a book and a bottle of wine. Whatever. And yes, staying in wallowing and crying is a valid way of spending the time as long as you acknowledge it is a choice and not inevitable and a sign of the way things now are.

It's that whole get busy living or get busy dying thing.

The op is dreading it, so she needs to find ways of making it manageable and even looking forward to it. That us the sensible and pragmatic solution.

I'll leave the "poor you" you other people. I'm not very good at that.

It's ok to grieve for what you've lost. I'm glad you are happy now queenrollo. You're story gives me, and hopefully the op, hope.

ThisIsStill - ok, pragmatism has it's place. I reached that place too...it took me a few weeks though. Right now the OP is in the immediate raw stage of this happening. During that stage, I looked at my son sleeping in his cot and howled and felt the physical heartache of knowing that soon I had nights coming where he would sleep at night and I would be apart from him.
I was incapable of pragmatism. I was capable only of letting out the awful, searing, soul-destroying pain that was overwhelming me at times.
I came on Mnet and I poured my heart out and got very good support and advice.
When things calmed and practicalities had to be dealt with, and I need guidance on how to do all those things - then Mnet helped be pragmatic and got me on my own two feet, in my own home and dealing with all the adult things that i'd never been allowed/had to face before.

But right now.....she will not be able to think of how she might look forward to it. I couldn't. And even when it happened, no matter what I planned I spent the time distracted and thinking of my son elsewhere.
Eventually....I found myself able to embrace the time and to do things for me so that I was refreshed when my son came home and I could devote my time to him. It took time though, and 8 years on I still do have days where I miss him so much it hurts.

Maybe she has? we don't know do we? I tried very hard to make mine work, but it takes two and if sometimes if it's just not working you have to admit that and move on so all involved can be happy.
If i'd come on here and posted all the stuff that happened prior to me reaching that point Mnet probably would have screamed LTB.....but actually I didn't. I just came on here when I reached that point under my own steam and needed support to get through the break up itself.

Maybe the OP is the same. Maybe she doesn't want to hash it all out on here, or be accused of drip-feeding if she does.

OP tell your friends and family. Build up a network of support for yourself.

If it's possible discuss parenting strategies with your ex. Try and co-parent with eachother it will make the transition easier.

take one step at a time, try not to think too far into the future.

It will get easier.

I don't think you're fears are pathetic.

Be kind to yourself and spend time with DS doing fun stuff.

It must be hard OP. Agree with others that you should plan activities and build up a network of support to keep yourself busy when your DS is with his dad. It'll be OK - your DS will be fine with his dad. But I can understand your worry.
Take care of yourself.

And you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Can you see you ex as a friend in the future?

Or was it a bad split?

If you think you can be friends, you could take ds to a hotel near these weddings so you are nearby?

Give yourself some time to get your head together.

I now want some galaxy too...

queenrollo we're all different. Being pragmatic and planning things from the start is what helped me through it. Different strokes and all that

The better you can make your relationship with your ex, the more you can co-parent and be part of the emotional dynamic between him and his son (in a helpful way) but having days out together, supporting him together and agreeing on how to relate to him and care for him.

It must be very difficult to contemplate having your son away from you on a regular basis. I would find that painful too. But far better that than him being without a dad who cares about him.

by not but

I feel for you OP - my ex left me 18 months ago and I still feel a pang now and again when he's not with me. Even though I try to fill the days he is not with me & make the most of my child free time and be the best mother I can be when he is with me.

Your ex will learn if he doesn't wake up he will have a wet bed to wash & ur DS will soon learn to wake him up if he needs something.

Give it a while before telling people. Also, why do you assume your son will be with you every day anyway? As long as your ex is on the birth certificate he has the same rights as you do and he should be allowed to take him to these events. Nobody wants to be away from their child but you'll get used to it, just plan things for when he's with his dad. I'm sure your ex doesn't want to be without him any nights either so it's probably best to have a 50/50 childcare agreement. It's great he wants to see his son every day so look at the positives.

Thanks all! I know I have to face him not being with me overnight sometimes. I don't think he'll have him overnight much at the moment (he's kipping on his parents sofa). He only saw DS for less than 2 hours per day after work when living here (still so raw that I've effectively kicked him out) and was often out for a few hours over the weekend - golf and other hobbies so hopefully he'll see him at least every other day after work and one day each weekend! Did anyone see what agnes54 said and why it's been deleted? I'm much more with it in my head today about DS going away for a night with exDP! I've been holding in the tears today for my DS's sake but had to run upstairs and let it all out when exDP came in as it broke my heart seeing him play with him and DS so excited to see daddy home from work! I feel much more torn today too - is that the guilt, being scared or something else? My mum is here so as soon as DS is in bed I can have a chat with her ?? exDP asked if he could come around later to talk about us. I told him I need a break and some space to think about things. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but is it all too little too late?! Could I still have some sort of PND - never professionally diagnosed and no meds taken to date but I can see the signs I think?! Maybe a trip to the docs but I don't want to rely on AD's to sort out my relationship probs. but on the other end may clarify things?!

You don't sound sure you want it to be over now. No one else can make that decision for you. If you have depression, you need to get it treated regardless of the relationship issues. If you need medication, you might well want to leave making a big decision until you're feeling more like yourself. But it's also possible that problems in the relationship have been contributing to your low mood, as well as low mood possibly causing your perspective on all this to be skewed. I really think this is too important to allow anonymous posters to sway your decision on whether to continue with the relationship or not - it does need to be your decision and you need to have no regrets about whatever you do next. The only thing I would suggest is that you keep your ex/DP in the picture as much as you can and reach some kind of stable footing for his sake. It's got to be very difficult wondering what's going on and not great for your little boy, either. I'm assuming you have tried counselling but if not, it would be something to consider. GP could refer you if you're making an appointment about possible PND.

I think featherandblack is right, particularly the counselling.
I think it's perfectly normal to wobble and have doubts. It really is a big decision to make, and only you can decide how to approach it. Maybe have a little time and space apart while you see your GP and address the feeling of depression.

Counselling for you on your own, and maybe counselling for you and your ex/dp together. It may help you both find your way through this amicably, whatever the outcome.

Thank you featherandblack and queenrollo x