Dealing with the OW

[Dollygirl2008]

It's just shit isn't. With them for 26 years, 1 child and then he buggers of and moves straight in with OW and her 3 children. I'm not disputing that we hadn't begun to go our separate ways in our relationship (metaphorically speaking I mean) but I never thought he'd do that. And now I just torture myself thinking about them together and I just don't know how to stop. How do I stop wondering what they're doing, imagining them in their wonderful new, all consuming life??? And he messaged me to say that he's away in a couple of weekends time - I haven't asked where, but obviously my mind knows they're having a "child-free" weekend away.

How the hell do I deal with this and come to terms with it?!?!?!?! Any help I would be grateful and just to know that other people have got through this. Thanks

The poor children, all four of them. Who the hell would want a strange man moving in? Your poor child, too, losing their father like that. Does your ex assume he will see your child in that house, too?

Realistically the children will give them hell; it won't be the wonderful life that you're all imagining at the moment. And you're free to meet someone with adult children and really will be able to take advantage of adult-only weekends.

Don't let your imagination run away ..The reality will be different ..They could be going away because they've been having huge rows ...but anyway it doesn't matter !!! Distract yourself make plans book some time away for you and your child

Days out , trips, adventure s , manicures , facials pamper yourself
Give yourself lots to.look forward to make a list

Your free from the eeedjit....

Embrace the freedom. Look after yourself financially, emotionally, and physically. You do not need that man to compete you.

complete sorry

Don't kid yourself it's all sunshine and roses for them, even if it is, it will be short lived. The ow probably can't believe her luck snaring you h, to help look after her kids. Give it time. Three dc, he doesn't know what he's let himself into. You should be quietly laughing to yourself and obviously you don't want him back, don't listen to his whining in the future about how difficult his life is, because I guarantee its coming. There's absolutely no need for you to be feeling upset right now, yoi got the better deal, your beautiful dc and your life back.

I agree, definitely no roses.

Trust me it gets easier. And you'll soon realise you're free to live your life eedjitt free. It hurts in the beginning but give it time.
In the meantime here's .

We are all here for you when you need it.

Treats and more treats prosecco is on offer in sainsburys as are candles and bubble bath ...enjoy

It hurts like hell and will do for some time. I used to give myself rewards for coping with the hard stuff like this. So a weekend away would mean 3 treats, one for each day. I honestly thought I'd never come to terms with it all. It got a bit easier when he told me ow was an utter nightmare and I heard that things were rocky. Eventually, I just stopped caring. It happens with time providing you acknowledge your own feelings and work through them.
Also, if he moved in with OW straight away it doesn't really bode well for their relationship but you will come to the point where what they do is irrelevant. I found it comforting to remember that time never stands still. Their weekend away will soon be over and they will return to their mundane reality. Anyway, maybe he's taking her away to recover after having her haemorrhoids ligated or something equally unromantic. Here's hoping.

Yes finding your child's father has gone and is giving his time to someone else's children instead of his own has to be one of the most painful things in the world. I'm not sure how to make you feel better but just to say lots of us have been there.

Agree with the others, he's gone from one DC to three. It's going to be a huge shock for the poor lamb.

Chin up, OP, you're well rid. I know that sounds flippant, but I really do mean it. He's far from being a prize catch.

OP, if you really want to know the reality of 'step families' ( I use the term loosely as it covers the whole gamut of families who's dcs live with a parents new spouse/partner/latest fling) go over to the step parents board and your horrible upsetting visions of happy ever after will soon be bought into the rather harsher reality. Fluffy bunnies and good times is NOT how it works, it's a fucking nightmare at times, mostly the beginning many many do not last because of DCS/guilt/arguments about parenting styles. The man and woman may have rose coloured spectacles on, but the kids don't. It's possible all will be rosy for a couple of days but as soon as the dcs realise that their mothers undivided attention has been removed, they will kick off. He will try and justify his behaviour and re-write history, his relationship with you, in order to do so but he can't hide from himself forever and the guilt of what he has done to his child will kick in. So no. It will not be happy families for long, if at all.

Oh and one more thing...whilst sneaking around having romantic trysts is all 'lovely and wonderful' ...trying to even get 5 minutes undivided attention with the new object of your affection, whilst she gets the tea and deals with all the day to day issues of parenting three kids kinda takes the shine off.

They will have 2 months honeymoon period MAX, three children he has no bond with and all that extra responsibility will soon see to reality sinking in. Finances, chores? Childcare, lack of time for each other.. It will stop been exciting and he will start thinking wtf have I done. So don't imagine them living in bliss, they probably expect that forever too- people that have afairs always expect the grass is greener, it rarely is as they are based on the excitement of the forbidden fruit.

If he's always lived with one child, he'll find three really difficult. Adults have always outnumbered children in his house, now children will outnumber the adults. It makes a huge difference.

Then factor in they are all children who don't know him, who may have behavioural problems, who will want their mum to show that she loves them best, etc, and factor in that he will miss his own child, and you haven't got a happy situation at all.

And she might have known what he earned, but that's not necessarily what he will be bringing into the family. If she is on any kind of benefits, those will go and she will want that money back off him.

It's not going to be pretty, don't worry.

OMG Your replies are not only amazing but empowering also. I thought when it happened that it would be horrendous within days, but they just seem to be sailing through it but your replies have made me think that I wouldn't know even if it were the case. Maybe I just need to bide my time and just take one day at a time - am just dreading that weekend although some of your comments did make me smile.

And she looks like a witch - shallow, but somehow it helps...... X

Bide your time....
One to three kids is a shock for anyone. Unless they have plenty of space to have time to themselves it will become hellish fast for him - according to the step parentig threads.
He is also having to pay out for 4 kids. Ouch.

I would adopt a pitying look for him. Never let him think you're jealous, more that you are really sorry for him. So when he tells you he's going away say, "I don't blame you!" and pat his shoulder.

I think you need to break this down into more manageable chunks. You sound like you're a quick learner and possessed of more than a little self awareness (so probably way more than your XH ) so you've got a head start at least.

It's a mistake to focus your wrath on the OW. She's simply a figure-head. It's not her (as a person) that's responsible for any of this. She simply became the focus of your XH's wanting for whatever it was he wanted - probably an escape from the reality of who he truly is as men who are unhappy with themselves, but can't recognise that it's them who need to change, seem to have a bad habit of picking up another woman who momentarily make them feel young, virile and full of potential even though it's just a temporary illusion.

By being stung with the sharp end and without any of the transitory (and false) relief, you have no choice but to face up to the harsh reality of being left with an unfair deal and no sugar coating. But the upside is that when you start recovering, you do it properly. When you hit that recovery, you are by far, stronger, more resolute, more self-aware and resilient than your XH - who is still seeking illusory solace in his OW - could ever be.

The best revenge is a life well lived and all that.

PoundingTheStreets you have hit the nail on the head with your second paragraph - I have read it several times, and its true. I'm not saying that I was an angel - I have become busy with life - full time career since my dd was 6 months old and the usual challenges that brings with a small child (she's 6 now). The attention goes elsewhere doesn't it and only the strong men hang in there - the weak ones have to find that affection somewhere else. It's quite simple really - they're still children themselves. I do feel OK most of the time and am enjoying a stress free, non-emotive house but its the OW that's just eating me up with jealousy. I'll get over it in time and I know you're all correct - I'll look back one day and think they've done me a favour.

But for now, its still sh*t!!! xx