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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you have a child with him?

47 replies

Tearsoffrustration · 28/09/2015 16:16

Been seeing a guy for 6 months and it's going really well,

He's mid 30's and has no children I have a 5yr old from a previous relationship.

My ex was unsupportive, never got up in the night, went out pretty much as soon as he came home from work etc

So I don't know if that's tainting my perspective.

My BF has already told me that he will not give up his hobby if he has a child and also he has a nap everyday after work (starts & finishes early) has told me he is grumpy if he does not have enough sleep

I just think he might just be too stuck in his ways - I know how much you have to give up when you have a baby

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 28/09/2015 17:17

Definitely not.

I don't think 6 months is too early to be considering if he's father material. Far better not to waste your time.

HellKitty · 28/09/2015 17:27

6 months in and I was pondering on whether a £400 guitar was too much for a birthday present for him.

It was. I didn't. Five years on and he's got it now.

But babies? Jesus. Nope.

Psycobabble · 28/09/2015 17:30

Ah I see your wondering about the future rather than actually planning a child now .

Well actually as another poster has said what is he like with your dc ??

Original poster

Tearsoffrustration · 28/09/2015 17:33

Hmm didn't expect such a negative response - maybe I am in a bit of a happy bubble and not thinking straight

OP posts:

Original poster

Tearsoffrustration · 28/09/2015 17:35

He's only met him a few times - he's really good with him though (he is good with kids)

OP posts:

Psycobabble · 28/09/2015 17:40

Well I guess time will show you how that relationship develops which would be a big indicator however I get that you don't want to waste time and effort if the relationship is not going anywhere , I'm the same as you previous ds new partner ( well 18 months together nearly ) and I sort of felt the same about making sure we wanted the same things

I'm not sure to be honest sometimes the context of things that are said don't come across on a forum but he does sound like he is kind of making his position clear . Of course how many parents pre having kids have said things along the lines of " well the baby will have to fit into our routine " etc

So maybe it's naivety rather than the fact he's a twat ? But either way I would want to find out more before I committed !

Twinklestein · 28/09/2015 17:42

He'll only be good with kids on his own terms.

His hobby clearly comes first, and his sleep.

So you will both get home from a long day at work and he will be snoring and you will be dealing with 2 kids. But that's ok because he told you upfront.

AuntieStella · 28/09/2015 17:42

The hobby in itself might be manageable - depending on what it is, how much time it takes up at the moment, and how willing he is to make changes during the infancy years to strike a good balance between carrying on something that matters, having family time and giving you a fair shot at pursuing your hobbies too (or simply having some child-free time)

But it doesn't sound as if you're anywhere near working any of that out.

And although I agree with other posters that it does seem early days to be getting in to the nitty gritty of 'shall we have DC' conversations, as you have gone there, and found out that he won't amend his nap schedule, then I'd say proceed with extreme caution. It does not sound as if he has any willingness to compromise. And that in turn means that the hobby won't be manageable either.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/09/2015 17:44

Anyone can be good with kids for a few hours... the acid test is whether they can be good with them 24/7 7 days a week until they become old enough to fend for themselves which may not be until they're well over the age of maturity.

Enjoy the happy bubble time but, if you don't want to be a single parent to more than one dc, resolve not to have any more unless and until you are protected by marriage.

Psycobabble · 28/09/2015 17:46

How will marriage protect you from ending up a single mum ?

Waltermittythesequel · 28/09/2015 17:48

He's telling you who he is. Listen!

And maybe ease up from the children thing after only six months!

Chippednailvarnish · 28/09/2015 17:49

How early are you meaning? Needing a nap after a 3am start, so they can have a "normal" bedtime wouldn't bother me. Needing a nap after a 7am start sounds selfish.

Original poster

Tearsoffrustration · 28/09/2015 17:57

I'm also wondering how I would be protected by marriage?

6am start

OP posts:

AsTimeGoesBy · 28/09/2015 18:23

Because if you are doing 100% of childcare it seems quite likely you will take a big drop in earnings and be restricted by childcare issues or become a SAHM. Neither of which are a good idea if you aren't married, unless you have substantial income / savings from other sources.

It can work, one of my friends' DH made it very clear he wasn't going to be at all hands on before they had their DCs, that she would be 100% responsible for domestic matters and give up work. He is a hardworking high earner, who prioritises hobbies over family stuff at the weekends and she has total autonomy at home (she is a strong independent person), their DCs are pre-teen now and they are all perfectly happy with the set-up. She went in with her eyes open though.

TimeToMuskUp · 28/09/2015 18:40

6am start requiring a nap? I'm up and dressed and running across the fields at the back of us by 6am with our dog. I spend all day in a class filled with young children, come home to two youngsters of my own and am rarely sat down before 9pm, and even then it's with a ton of planning and marking. Don't believe him when he says he needs a nap. What he's saying is he's a bit wet and selfish. Do you truly want a child with someone like that?

thehypocritesoaf · 28/09/2015 18:43

Really- you think women dating in their 30s (presuming op is!) should never discuss kids?

I think that's nuts personally.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/09/2015 18:55

As in he gets up at 6am, rather than starting work at 6am?

If he gets up at 6am he's just being lazy.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2015 18:58

God save us from perfectly healthy men who need "naps"

Did he not transition from the toddler stage ?

lostinnormandieland · 28/09/2015 18:59

Another fatherless child on his way. Grow up!

BertieBotts · 28/09/2015 19:01

I think you're right to be considering this 6 months in. Not to start TTC right away, of course! But if there is anything which is ruling it out now, and you want more DC then it's a good time to cut the relationship loose. So yes, it is important to be thinking about it so early.

Good with kids is a plus but it's a pretty minor one. Most people are good with kids when the kids are in a happy engaging mood.

The other stuff... it's hard to tell. I mean, it could be that optimism you have before having a baby where you think it couldn't possibly be so overwhelming that it takes over your entire life And I was only discussing the other day with some friends the ludicrous beliefs we had about sleep before children. I was convinced I could only sleep with exactly two pillows of the correct firmness and in total darkness and silence. Another was insistent that she needed her full eight hours to function I remember being totally sure that if I had to get up to feed a baby, I'd be wide awake for hours. Of course after you have a child, you regularly function on three or four hours' sleep and you're so tired that you could sleep standing up in the middle of a busy shopping centre.

You believe those things and then you have a baby and the reality is totally different.

I do think it's worth being sure that it's the right guy. The attitude of oh well, if it doesn't work out I can just do it on my own is a little bit sad. I can say that BTW because I have been there! What you're really saying/believing is that the dad doesn't matter very much, and that's just not true. It does have a huge effect on your life and your child's life.

So the signs I'd look out for are along these lines:

Showing interest in your child when he's not around, asking about him, being interested, relating to him as a person rather than just a "child". At this stage obviously the relationship ought to be hands off.

Needs to be understanding and believing when you have childcare issues or are stressed out due to some child related reason - this is hard to tease out because pre-kids we all do believe it's easier than it actually is, but if he's actually getting angry, frustrated or being dismissive of this, or expressing a lot of wishes that you could have more time without your DS then this is a huge red flag.

When he does see him how does he cope when he's not behaving 100% or feeling 100% - that's kid or boyfriend, BTW! He has to realise if he comes more full time into your life, he can't just avoid your son if he's tired or grumpy. He has to be cheerful and playful anyway. Lack of tolerance of normal age appropriate child behaviour is a red flag. Requests for you to control him better or punish him more harshly are red flags. It might be that this part of their relationship hasn't actually come into play yet which is fine and appropriate.

Again hard to tell after only six months but general supportive attitude towards you - is he happy to let you run around after him, or is he interested in lightening your load? Attitude to money, again difficult to tell but you might have been able to pick up little signs as to whether he is generous or stingy. This is where the hobby thing comes in. If he's being optimistic, then fine - he'll change his perspective when the baby comes. If he's being stubborn and selfish, would he continue to go out and do his hobby if it meant that was placing a higher burden on you? That's the problem, if it makes sense.

Psycobabble · 28/09/2015 19:09

Wow lostin kind of harsh!
I think op is just trying to get opinions on what her dp has sad re the naps etc she obviously thinks it's an issue an is trying to see if she is correct in thinking it is

She's not actually ttc just trying too see wether this relationship is worth proceeding with and that their on the same page which I guess is the sensible thing to do surely

Original poster

Tearsoffrustration · 28/09/2015 19:11

Thanks Bertie your post has given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:

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