How to diffuse situation when one sibling won't take responsibility for ageing parent?

[KatDubs261]

I am the granddaughter in this scenario, early 20s. Two years ago, my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and my mother & myself took on most of the care for him during this time. Around the same time we discovered my grandmother had vascular dementia and after my grandfather died (and I moved abroad for work for a year), everything was more or less left to my mother.

Now, my mother has a rich retired brother who lives about 10 hours away. He comes to visit his mother every few months to "sort through a few things", ie. clear out my grandfather's belongings gradually while my mum cooks them meals after working full time all day. My uncle thanked her once for all she had done at my grandad's funeral but his lack of appreciation for the fact she is a carer has gone unnoticed since.

My mother has now reached a point of almost burn out and anger with her brother, which is tearing the relationship apart. My grandmother sometimes calls my mum eight times a day while she's at work. Her brother's response - "well that one's on you darling, just tell her not to call". He doesn't appreciate or acknowledge the burden on her and when my mum asked to sit down and discuss, he dodged the meeting twice. I visit my grandmother during the week and I see firsthand how dependent she now is - my mother has practically taken on the role of husband.

Furthermore: my grandfather told the family he wanted my mother to have their whole house once my grandmother dies. For the moment, my mother owns one half, my grandmother owns the other. When my grandmother dies, her half will go to my uncle and he told my mother that in line with my grandfather's wishes he would transfer his half to her. But recently he made a comment suggesting he might not do anything of the sort and my mother is frothing at the mouth.

Can anything be done? I see two siblings that once loved and adored each other now struggling to be in the same room.

How was the db's relationship with his parents? Has it always been this way.

It is a tough situation.
I don't think you can force your uncle to participate in his mother's care. If he is unable to be there physically, would it be possible for him to fund some care support so your mother can get a much needed break? If he refuses to do that, then there really isn't anything else you can do regarding him.

The inheritance is an issue for your mother, of course it is. But she can only go by what is in the written will. Depending on spoken promises...well, believe it when you see it.

If you think your uncle is saying he will with hold the promise as a punishment for badgering/guilting him about his non-participation in the care of his mother, then you have the measure of him. Back off with the requests (after asking for a share of funds for help) then, perhaps, he will honor his promise.

If you and your mother reduce your expectations of your uncle to zero, then you won't be disappointed/frustrated/angry. It sounds as though you are giving him a lot more brain space than he deserves. Give your time/energy to your grandmother and mom; forget him.

What does "db" mean sorry? My uncle's relationship with his parents has been fine, loving. We have always spent every second Christmas with his family and children so we were all relatively close up until now. Having said that, there have occasionally been differences - my uncle's children are quite spoiled, through no real fault of their own, and did not have a particularly close relationship with their grandparents because they never really saw them.

My grandparents both became ill suddenly and did not need any help until my grandad's illness deteriorated. My uncle has made fleeting visits since he moved away at 22. When my grandfather died, he suddenly appeared on the scene and started telling my mother how he thinks things should now be run (viewing himself as the replacement patriarch or something). This did not go down well and now my mother cannot get him on board with realising how difficult things are. When my mother first talked to them about how "forgetful" my grandmother was becoming pre-diagnosis my uncle's wife said "No, she just doesn't try hard enough to remember." She was diagnosed with dementia a month later.

A side issue but an important one all the same.

"Furthermore: my grandfather told the family he wanted my mother to have their whole house once my grandmother dies".

Has he specifically stated this in his will and testament?. Unless he has done that the above will not be at all taken into consideration, verbal wishes do not count. It all needs to be specified correctly in a will by him.

DB is dear brother.

Firstly your grandmother needs to make sure her half of the house will go to your mother, so the will needs to be changed and surely your mother can help in that?

Secondary, Your grandmother needs to build a life outside of your mother and maybe some tough love is needed here. Do they have any home carers?

This is all resolvable but your mother needs to step up and be proactive.

Sad as it is your uncle has no legal or even moral obligation to help with your GM's care.

If your mum cannot cope with caring for her alone (which it definitely sounds like) then your GM needs to be assessed by Adult Social Services and to have a statement of needs drawn up. This may end up with her needing residential care, in which case her house will need to be sold anyway.

Please do not fall into the trap of thinking "everything would be okay if Uncle Bob would just step up more." Dementia is a progressive, vicious disease. Your GM is only going to need more and more care as time goes on and from what you've said it sounds like she's almost reached the point of needing live in care.

Sorry you're going through this. Dementia is an absolute bastard for all concerned.

Thanks for all the messages so far. I am encouraging my mother to go to a local carers support group - they also do a day care centre. So far my grandmother has completely rejected all suggestions that she go to a day centre. Her cat just died, which provided a lot of comfort to her but she won't let us get another one for her (and there would be Qs surrouding that anyway). She insists she is fine reading, playing cards etc but then she contacts my mother all the time because she is lonely.

Yes, there are home carers. They come in for as long as it takes to heat up a meal and administer her pills.

No one thinks everything would be okay if my uncle stepped up, but we certainly agree the burden would be lifted a little from my mother's shoulders. My grandmother has fallen twice in the past year and a half, the second time my mother found her and did not know if she was going to recover in hospital & yet my uncle couldn't come to visit for a few days despite the fact he is retired and goes on holiday all the time.

My mother said that she will need to get my grandmother to change the will to ensure that the house goes to her but I can't see how that can enfold well. First off, my gran is confused often and would likely want to talk to my uncle about it too. Then he would be enraged because one half was first supposed to go to him. No - my grandfather made the mistake of trusting his son's word and did not put it in writing.

Also part of my mother wanting to sit down and talk to her brother about things was about the fact that they may need to review my grandmother's situation soon. Can she even keep continuing to live in her own house, will she need to move to a bungalow? etc.

But the last time my uncle came to visit, he spent the entire weekend at a sports event and didn't spend any time with my mother. Clearly avoiding her.

I suspect that he is burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away. That's pretty much what happened with my uncle when my Grandma had dementia. My mum and aunty were living in with my Grandma on a 24hr on-off basis. They refused to get any help for her or try to move her to more suitable housing, with the result that she had several falls and it probably shortened her life TBH.

I'm not clear from what you wrote if you are back in the area or still abroad for work? If you are back, could you approach your uncle directly and ask for a discussion? If he simply won't agree, you may have to have your mum apply for power of attorney to make decisions on your GM's behalf such as selling her house, etc.

The whole thing about the will is likely to go out of the window anyway TBH because unless your GM declines very rapidly she will almost certainly have to sell her property to fund her own residential care, which she will need towards the end.

I don't think there's a thing you can do with regard to your uncle stepping up to the plate but you should be able to regularise the situation with regard to care etc etc.

Why not contact Age UK for advice on the matter? (Or your mother could do it if you felt that that might be more beneficial to her.)

Sadly the role of primary carer often, in fact usually, falls to the nearest woman who is prepared to do it. You can't force your uncle to play an active role unless he wants to, which he clearly doesn't.

Your DM needs to have a think about what would be best to happen - the suggestions regarding power of attorney contacting Age UK sound good.

If your DGran is struggling to cope at home perhaps she needs to move to sheltered housing or even a home.

I'd encourage your DM to get her thoughts in order and then email uncle with a specific proposal - not as a document for dialogue but as a this is the way things are going to be.If he has any reservations then he needs to come up with a concrete plan that doesn't involve your DM doing more than she can feasibly do.

Re the will, I can see why your DM is so enraged about it and yes from your description I wouldn't trust anything your uncle says at this point about giving her the other half. However I think it's more important to get Dgran's living arrangements sorted out so perhaps she should be encouraged to park it for now until that's a bit more settled.

You've got a really important role here as you have a bit more detachment than your DM and can see things clearly, so it's good that you can encourage her to try and get things a bit more resolved with or more likely without uncles input.

I really don't think any will your GM now writes could be legal because of her mental incapacity. However unfair this might seem, I would encourage your DM to let this part oh her grievance go. It is probably unlikely that this asset will still be available after paying for her long term care any rate.

What she does need to is find a way to talk to your Uncle and agree a plan on how best to manage your GM's progressive condition. If she is at the stage of making numerous calls a day it will not be long until she either needs a live-in carer or a move into a nursing home. Whether or not Uncle can engage with this discussion, your DM needs to plan through what are the best options for her to manage.

It is incredibly stressful dealing with a relative with dementia, and not unusual for siblings to have a difference of opinions, together with someone likely to be in denial about how serious the situation is. Unfortunately the burden usually falls on the relative who lives nearest. Do encourage your DM to try not to feel bitter or resentful towards her DB, this is probably because of the stress she is feeling and in the long term will not make it any easier for her if she feels this way.