Do I contact my NC mother!

[Aroundthebend]

Myself and my sister have been NC with my mother and brother for nearly three years. We have had over 40+ years of toxic family issues that we could easily write a book on, but in summary our mother is narrcassistic and our brother is the golden child! they have rewritten history and both were very active to make the NC decision and fuel each other, I know my brother is very keen to get the whole of the families estate/inheritance and that is what drives him to keep him and our mother out of our lives.
My sister and myself both have families and both of us are going through divorces, our lives have been pretty hard the past few years and we support each other. Both our mother and brother have been very clear that we are not to contact them and they have moved and we have not been told the address. I know there is always two sides to every story and you are only getting mine and I know fault does lie in both sides, however, my mothers behaviour over the years has been absolutely disgusting, me and my sister did all we could to try and preserve the family but every bridge we built was always knocked down, ultimately my sister and me were never ever good enough, whatever we did was not enough and we were always having to apologise to try and make amends as she was never wrong, my brother always colluded with her and kept himself as the perfect son, never questioning her behaviour, even when he acknowledged to us that he agrees that she has serious mental health issues but he is 'playing the game'!
That is a very long story cut short! Anyway, I know she has been given a terminal diagnosis with cancer, from what I have been told it is unlikely that she will survive another 6 months. I am obviously very upset and feel for her, she has not told us but via my aunt she has said that we could contact her if we wanted to, even though we do not know where she is and anyone who does know where she lives have been told not to tell us. Due to the nature of the cancer both my sister and me will need genetic testing, my brother didn't think that we needed to know this, as it didn't affect him or his family, I pointed out that both me and my sister have daughters so it is not just us that needs testing, I am shocked at his callousness.
To extended family she is painting quite a black picture or me and my sister as we have not contacted her, we both feel that, whatever we do will be wrong, we ultimately have been told by both our mother and brother in writing that we are not to contact them, they severed the ties and have refused all contact. Conveniently none of this is being said, myself and my sister have kept quiet and let them get on with it, we know after years of games and abusive behaviour, that it is better to just ignore and walk away as whatever we did or say would be used against us.
Our dilemma is, should we write to her, should we try to repair the relationship as she is near to death, or give the opportunity to say goodbye?
I am at a loss, I don't want to regret not doing anything, and in years to come feel that we should have tried to have said something. We know the relationship can never go back to anything near normal, but I am struggling to just leave it. Equally, I am struggling as their behaviour has been so awful, we really didn't do anything to deserve the treatment we have been given, they played so many games with our feelings and lives and me and my sister stopped playing.
The extended family want us to contact her, I have said I will think about it, but the more I think the more confused I get!
Also if I did contact her, what do you say!

I was non contact with my father for 20 years because he had been very abusive to my Mum during their marriage.
He passed away recently and I deeply regret that I didn't speak to him before his death. Not to forgive him but just to have a conversation with him.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and you do not know the full truth surrounding her health anyway (if genetic testing was required why have the hospital in question not written to either of you directly?). You do not need such people in your lives in any case.

Ignore the flying monkeys also that are the extended family and if they persist still continue to ignore them. They are only acting in their own interests, certainly not yours.

I don't think you need to try and repair the relationship or forgive her, but personally I'd want to see her before she dies.

I don't know if I'd write to her, because that gives your brother the opportunity to get involved. In the circumstances, I think I'd just go and see her, if you can get her address. Would your aunt give it to you, given that she knows your mum has said you can contact her if you want? Would your extended family give it to you as they also want you to contact her?

I would completely ignore what other people might or might not say. It's not relevant. This is between you, your sis and your mum.

What does your sister think?.

What would actually be achieved?.

This relationship cannot be repaired anyway (there is nothing anyway to repair) and it is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist. The extended family are being manipulated here by being given such a poor picture.

I would continue to ignore the extended family as you do not (and perhaps will not) know the full truth behind your mother's current state of health in any case.

Only you can really say what is best or you. It sounds like the flying monkeys have been sent out to lure you back into the fold though!
I always tell the children it is better to do something you are unsure of and wish you hadn't afterwards than to miss the opportunity all together and never have that chance again. You know what to expect and don't fool yourself that the messages filtered down via family/minions are any more than a carrot on a stick.
Good luck

You poor thing, it sounds like a shock. I hope the testing can be done quickly and that the results are good.

Only you can decide where you feel comfortable with regard to contact. There are many different kinds, and it's OK if you feel that you can send a letter but not have a face-to-face visit just yet. You have a right to decide where you feel safe.

Thank you all for the replies.
My sister is very angry and scared, she is very hurt that our mother cut her off, she has had a very difficult time, possibly the worst time in her whole life the past few years and cannot comprehend how a mother can desert her own flesh and blood and cannot forgive her for this, she is angry with our brother as she feels she cannot say goodbye to her as he will stop any contact and cause a massive scene, so she is very torn and ATM, she has so much going on in her life, she cannot really begin to process seeing her, but she will stand by what I decide.
I am the main carer for my grandfather (her father) I am very close with him and see him daily (paid carers are also visiting) he is obviously very upset by all this as he feels in a difficult place as he is so close to me but my mother is his daughter and whilst he has never asked me to make amends, I know he struggles with the divide in the family. That said, neither my mother or my brother visit him unless he is in hospital (then they take centre stage and try and push me away, it is always their needs and they take control) My grandfather is very old and not in the best health, I know that should he die, that my mother and brother would do everything to prevent me attending the funeral, they would not want me or my sister to have any part in it. Which I know they cannot prevent us attending but would make all the decisions and keep us out of all the arrangements. Which would break my heart as I am so so close to him, I know exactly what he wants, but they will do as they want as it as it will be about them.
I just wish I had a normal family! Whatever normal is...

aroundthebend - this is such a distressing situation for you and your sister. The trouble is that your distress feeds the monsters! Have either if you had therapy specifically geared towards this situation? There is a lot really good reading material out there in book form and online - just avoid entering the forums as they attract narcs like flies on shit who can be very destructive.
Horrendous though it may seem, if you can try and focus on the silver lining that you and your grandfather have an amazingly close and real relationship now, that neither you mother or brother have, that will help you shift focus on any negative impact they may try to have on you after he is gone. They cannot prevent you from attending his funeral and the chances are that many people attending will be very aware that you played such a big role in caring for him. The most difficult things about dealing with these toxic vile relationships is the paranoia and fear of what will come next and what people outside the situation think of you. Sadly you have no control over either of these elements. If you can relinquish these fears and build a sufficient buffer between yourself and your mother/brother/their minions then you will have taken back the only way they can really control you. People can say what they like: "toxic mother is deeply concerned and would love to have contact with you" (which is a classic narc ploy to reengage with their victims when they feel their control slipping) - to which you can respond with a lighthearted "unfortunately I have no means of getting in touch with her as she forgot to give me her new contact details, she always welcome to give me a call though"
Anyone with half a brain will think it very odd that a parent would move house and not let their child know where.
You aren't alone at all. DH an I were just discussing my mother and sister, dh's father, brother and sil and now dh's mother seems to be slipping into the net too. Having had a family weekend we are practically flat out on the floor from their emotional vampire behaviours!! One at a time is manageable but all of them makes for a veritable feast on our emotional reserves!!