Rant Alert, Not a dp issue but a "sister" and christmas stress (long)

[Tiggly]

Background: I work shifts as a nurse, I didn't know whether I would be able to get a couple of days leave to be able to get to dp's parents on boxing day as its my mothers turn to have us. My sister is due home this year as well and I was looking forward to it like a hole in the head but kept my mouth shut. My sister cares not a jot for anyone else but herself, so long as the world spins around on her axis then life is jolly. She has my parents over a barrel to the point where she shouts and they go running (she works 9-5, has about 4 holidays per year, two new cars even though they car share 1.5 miles to the train station!!), my mother does all her ironing (has only ever offered it to me once when my washer broke down and because I asked why she was doing my sisters laundry when she lives the life of riley!when offered to me she said i'd have to pay her!! parents would drive past my house to visit her (and not bother with us), have been laying patios and tiling bathrooms etc all within set deadlines etcetcetc there is so much more to this.

So I go to my parents this evening to pick something up and my father starts having a go at me because my "sister" has said to them she doesn't want to spend christmas at home if I am there because I snapped at her (for the first time in a very long time, i normally don't say two words when she is around) the other weekend. Boo bloody hoo. My parents have said "don't worry we'll sort her out" and as far as my father is concerned all the problems between us is all my fault. SO NOT THE CASE. She has so far got away with saying 13 words to me at my mothers birthday meal (not one of them polite) and spending the entire meal with her back to me so I couldn't talk to the rest of the table (I was sat on the end and she was next to me), ignoring me the whole of her wedding day despite being her bridesmaid,walking into my parents conservatory, snatching my nephew off my knee, saying hello to the floor so nice and non-specific (failing to acknowledge my two friends sat in front of her whom she has never met before ) and then walking off with my nephew so that I couldn't play with him (had literally just been given him for a cwtch and to dress him in a funny outfit I had bought for him), and never once picking up the phone to ask if i'm ok (not even when they thought I had a brain tumour), but thats ok according to my parents, this is evidently all my fault and i should apologise!!

Please don't get me wrong, I have tried to make an effort but i've had enough. I have gone to her house after a 15 hour shift from hell to dress her husbands hand after he cut it quite nastily, given her husband analgesia because he'd run out of the same medication just to tie him over until he could get his prescription, had her and her husband and his mother over for mothers day lunch (along with my parents)for which she helped not one bit and she said I might cause bad feeling by having i at my house!! I ran rings around them all day but she didn't lift a finger!! How does welcoming them all into our home with drink in hand, put your feet up etc mean bad feeling??wtf??

Thanks for reading if you have indeed got this far. I am so angry right now (that my parents expect me, once again, to go and grovvel at her door and say i'm sorry), right now its not going to happen.

Hi Tiggly,

Poor you, sounds like our sisters were hatched from the same posionous (sp? its too late!) evil dragons egg....
Have you told your parents that you are fed up with being treated like second best? It may cause bad feeling and arguments to get it all out in the open but if you think it cant be worse then Id say do it.

I dont have anything else helpful to say apart from the fact that you are not alone in having a witch for a sister. I have spoken to mine once in nearly a year after she made me cry while staying with me by telling me my house was a disgusting mess and is was disrepectful of me to expect her and her daughter to stay somewhere where I hadnt even hoovered around the edges and the stairs or dusted (I was 7 months pregnant!) and called me once since my DD was born 10 months ago to scream at me for saying to my mum I was upset she hadnt even thought to call.

Take a deep breath and say something, for your own sanity if no-one elses

Thanks Evamum for taking the time to wade through the epic of my post I really appreciate it.
my father wants us to sort it out, i.e. me go round to her house and apologise (for what??so i snapped once and that makes me the evil one). I explained to my father this evening that the reason why I said I wasn' sure we could go to their house for christmas was due to my shifts and whether i could get some time off to be able to go up to dp's family on boxing day for a couple of days (they live 4.5hours away from us and prefer us to stay over just to have a bit of a rest) and nothing to do with my sister. What I am assuming has happened is that she has turned my mother saying I wasn't sure if we would be there (not a full explanation coz she loves to stir things up) and sister has said "oh well if she's not going to be there then great coz then i cn enjoy my christmas without her blah blah blah. my father then said that if I (I!!) cause trouble then it really isn't fair to ruin their christmas!! Not the fact that my reasoning for being unsure about xmas plans was reasonable and has been twisted in order to turn it against them!! why i am stunned about this I really don't know as it isn't the first time and wont be the last.

God! families!
I dont even know what to suggest! I definately wouldnt apologise, even to keep the peace. it sounds like your sis is a drama queen who needs everyone to tiptoe around her(again, are you sure they arent related...)
Wait and see if you can spend chrissie with them anyway, hopefully your shifts will work out and you can avoid the issue! fingers crossed...

hi tiggly - sorry to hear about your horrible sister - why is it that there is sooo much guilt placed upon us about keeping relations going with our families - you wouldnt allow your friends to treat you like that so why let family - i say tell her to get stuffed and enjoy what part of xmas you can when not working
ps - thanks for being one of those angels who take care of the rest of us in need over the festive season - i am sure the nhs wont pay you enough! x
i hope that your xmas gets sorted out

tiggly,why dont you 'borrow' a picolax sachet from your ward and pop it into your delightful sisters drink! ok you may be struck off but surely it will be worth it to see her pebbledash your parents sofa, hallway,toilet

Hi Tiggy, sounds really tough. I posted the other week about some of the problems I have with my parents blatant favouritism to my sister. It really hurts doesn't it?
Not much more I can say, except, I can empathise.

I would say:

"I didn't do anything wrong. If she wants to sulk then she's being childish, as usual, and I'm sick of it. If you can't see her for the b*ch she is then that's up to you, but I refuse to apologise for her actions - that's her job not mine."

Then walk away and have a fab Christmas.

Thanks for reading this folks, it really was an epic rant of war and peace proportions!! What makes me REALLY angry is the fact that this will now be my first christmas off (I mean the whole week of christmas, i normally work a 15 hour shift on xmas eve as I currently don't have children and an early xmas day, then an option on boxing day to work if needed) in 7 years!! My sister has never had to work it in her life!! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind working it as it can be quite good fun (we dress up and try to make a bad day for the patients a bit brighter!) and as i don't have children i like to think of others sharing in the fun at home, but I have switched jobs and I am on a temporary contract to a chemotherapy unit which works 9-5 mon-fri and no bank holidays, woo hoo! I love my job!! (I worked in gastro/gen med for 4 years and 2 years in medical admissions so my last christmas's have been like a party in a zoo!).I was soooo looking forward to this christmas, I am gutted about the way my father spoke to me about this last night.
mummymic i love my job, especially on the chemo day unit!
ratclare i spat beer all over my laptop laughing at your post!! it's so evil i love it!!hahaha ! Just might have to try that, especially as my mothers lounge is totally cream!!!
wannabe1974 i am so tempted to tell my mother tomorrow exactly what you have posted and then tell her we are going to my outlaws for christmas just to be done with the whole thing. At least we would enjoy christmas!
overrunnerbean, thanks for posting, families:can't live with them, can't shoot them .

thanks for listening folks!much appreciated!

Hi Tiggly

My sister got favouritism too. When I got married and announced i was pregnant (all a surprise to the family) she sent us a congratulations card...it was an inch by an inch and a half. 'To the Jones, CONGRATULATIONS, From xxxxx'. Can you sense the joy and delight she had in hearing the news?

When my grandad passed away, I told my mother I would look after her and stand by her. My mum dad and sister go round to my grandads house to clear it of furniture and rubbish (some of which was the furniture!). Myself and my bf at the time hired a van and getting his brother involved went to pick up furniture. Got there...my sister had already picked out her furniture, and my mum had hers and I was left with the rubbish...to 'choose' from. Took a bed and wardrobe and table to do up. However...that's not the worse bit...she had not chosen it that day...but years and years before, when she was still in teens...and not only that but she had never asked my grandad, just my mother who had said 'of course you can have it'. Fair play? I think not. Anyway me and the bf and his brother got to shift the whole lot back to my parents. Nice. Bitter? YES! She was also always very rude to my mother when we were at grandads...and he saw...he may have been deaf but he frowned as he lipread and saw the sour angry look on my sisters face...and she was rude to him. I really loved him and she was just a sour puss around him. B*tch. Anyway I've had last laugh. A year back I finally said something about the furniture to my mother...she defended decision. So...at parents house all furniture was stored...my sister still lives at home (she's 32) and I was onto my 3rd property (I'm 2 years younger) and I told them that I would not take any furniture as I was too angry at how unfairly it had been decided, so I would not take any of mine at all until it was renegotiated (sister had kindly suggested I have furniture, I was delighted...then asked for clarification of 'have'...she actually meant 'borrow' until she needed it...so we were just a storage firm then! THis is what stirred issue up again). So then they were stuck with a house full...and I mean a house full..its a big house but boy is it cramped now! And to end the story so sick was I of my sister being the favourite, so sick of playing 'happy families' and trying to forget how my mum and sister used to gang up against me and bully me, I broke off all contact with my mum at 8mth pg and with my dad in aug due to him trying to keep me in contact with mum. And it feels GOOD this xmas!! No more stress bout being 'nice' to sister. No more having to have parents around only for mother to try to emotional blackmail me to see her more.

Think about it. Do you NEED your family and the stress they bring to your life? How would it feel without them? You can walk away...and make it YOUR decision. You don't have to take treatment off them that you would not take off friends (as someone else has already said on this thread). Its a nerve racking decision, but, what benefits would it bring? Try a pro's and con's list of staying with your family.

Better sign off now...i've said probably too much. And I do think you are right to be angry, at your sister and your parents. Maybe you could tell them that?

Anyway, good luck with it all and hope you sort something out for xmas...its a time for happiness...not apologies and swallowing your anger.

xxxx

Ally90, I have only just seen this so apologies for not responding sooner. Families are a nightmare for certain. My parents are ok with me when they want someting but at all other times my father is very curt with me, it's ridiculous. Your situation with your grandfather was identical to the one with my grandmother and my sister. She helped herself to everything out of her jewellery and i've had nothing! I only got a little cuttlery box because she didn't spot it! Does your family try to get in contact with you? Have you confronted your sister with how you felt?

I think that you should step back from them and let them get on with their own Christmas.

You should have the Christmas you want, on your terms, without any apology. Even if you do apologise, where will that get you? Nowhere, until it happens again and then you will undoubtedly be in the wrong again.

You should state your case - calmly and without anger - and then say that your work patterns are so unpredictable that you have decided to have Christmas at your own home.

Then do whatever you want.

It must be very hurtful, but taking charge of your life will feel very liberating for you - and give you a chance to be with people who do love and value you.

Yes, numereous presents mostly for dd, one for me, cards addressed to dd, to me and dd, strangely none for me and dh like normal people did to congratulate us. Had bunch of roses a letter back (despite me requesting no matter how hard it was not contact me...obviously her love for me includes no respect for my wishs, story of my life that is!). Phonecalls but only a couple, still freaked me out. Broke contact with my dad and he sent letter (again despite me saying I would contact when I was ready) and a phonecall. My sister never bothered to try to contact me. She believes in snubbing me entirely which is just fine with me. Rather that than her being in contact, getting her own way with family all the time and bullying me.

I never discussed furniture with her, it would have been the sensible thing to do, however I know how good she is at twisting words. I spoke to mother and father which was pointless cause they always said that they couldn't control her. Even as a child. Yeah right. An adult cannot control mentally and physically restrain a child? As my psychotherpist says, 'can't or won't?'. Asking yourself that leads to very interesting conclusions about family life!

There is another thread going on at mo 'My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry' you may find supportive. About six of us have cut our families out of our lives and you can read about how they have reacted. Mine seem least extreme. It is scary to do but your story is similar to ours. Of course it may be last thing on your mind. But I'm a big believer that if your family seem to believe they can treat you in a hurtful or not understanding way then you have a right to cut them out. They have a choice to treat you in that way. But you have a choice too of not putting up with it and walking away from the hurt.

good luck xxx