Big Christmas and mum and husband problem

[Morganly]

My mum is a widow and is aged 85 and in poor health. 4 years ago, I had mum and dad to us for Xmas. Dad had Alzheimer's and H does not get on with my mum (she is irritating, by the way). Not a good Xmas.

3 years ago, dad was in nursing home. Mum went to home for Xmas day. I invited her to us for Boxing Day. She initially said no, but changed her mind later. In between, I had told H she wasn't coming. He has this big thing about Boxing Day, likes it better than Xmas day, as it's more relaxed, we do a special buffet lunch. When I told him she was coming to us after all he went ape shit, misinterpreted the reason and thought it was something to do with my elder brother changing his plans, which it wasn't but it was all a total disaster and he sulked all over Xmas and it was horrible.

2 years ago, dad has died, mum's first Xmas alone, we agreed we spend Xmas day at her house but have Boxing Day at home. We did this, I can't say it was great as he barely speaks to her but I can see that he made a sacrifice in not having Xmas day at home.

Last year, hallelujah, my brother has mum for Xmas.

So this year it's my turn yes? Except, I have another sister and brother. Sister lives a long way away and has no money. Mum can't get there, they can't get here. Other brother has a tiny house, a new baby, plus his partner's mum is seriously ill.

H doesn't want us to spend Xmas with mum and thinks other members of the family should step up. I will not leave her on her own over Xmas. Where do we go with this?

i'll await the definition of 'irritating' before commenting.

I had irritating non conformist parents, yet I would do anything to see them at Christmas again. It maybe your mums last one, do the right thing for you

We have this debate every year about which sibling does Christmas with our bickering parents. The only fair way is to take it in turns so you do this year and then no more for 3 years and your siblings sort it out. Then you limit the time you spend there and start your happy Christmas when you get home.

He sounds irritating now. One day, when he's old and perhaps on his own, how would he like it if no one wanted to host him at Christmas because he's irritating?

Thank you everyone, this has been helpful.

To answer some questions, by irritating, I mean, she talks non stop, mostly about herself, repeats same uninteresting stories we've been hearing for years, thinks she's right and everyone else is wrong, tells us what to do, thinks she did and does everything the right way and if we don't do things the same way, we are doing it wrong. She drives me potty too. But, she is warm-hearted, would do anything for anyone if she could, will back off and apologise once she realises she's pissed us off, loves all her family equally and shows it, has welcomed all in laws into the family. She's my mum and I love her and I understand that H does not have that love to help him deal with the irritations. All I'm asking for is tolerance.

His family are all dead. We spent plenty of Christmases with his mum when she was alive. I got on pretty well with her and didn't have any problems with that.

From what you've said your DH needs to grow up. He should be civil to her for one day especially as he seems to prefer Boxing Day which you'll be having on your own I assume?

The alternative is that you pay for her travel expenses to your broke sibling.

Your DH's reaction is off-the-scale unhelpful, unsupportive, and immature.

Yes, your DM sounds a bit irritating. But adults who are required to be polite to someone they dislike for a few hours for the sake of someone they care about square their shoulders and get on with it. They do not sulk and create a terrible atmosphere! It is not like you are asking him to put up with her for days on end: that would be very different. It is a matter of a few hours on a special day, for the sake of everyone getting along.

His behaviour sounds really controlling and uncompromising. It must be such a strain for you having to deal with his moods.

Interestingly, if it was you in the position of your DH and you didn't want your MIL spending Christmas with you, you'd be getting told that your DH needs to man up and have a word with his siblings about taking their 'turn'.

It's tricky, and all of your siblings will have their own stuff/issues going on, but they really do need to step up.

Would your DH feel happier if you perhaps said you'll host your mum this year but you email your siblings and tell "hi guys, I realise you've all got stuff going on so I'll have mum over for Christmas this year but one of you will need to take a turn next year - so here is your 12 months notice ?".

In that case, if there is genuinely no reason for your DH to dislike her... then he can "man up" and tolerate her for your sake for a few hours a year, surely?

Do you feel guilty if you don't have your mum for Christmas, though, OP? Perhaps your DH is "feeding" from how you react - whether it's consciously or subconsciously - to always being the one landed with DM for the season? Why aren't your siblings taking their turn? Because, unless there's a bloomin' good reason as to why they're not (ie, if they're N- or LC with her) then... they ought to be stepping up a bit more, rather than dumping the responsibility for the aged parent on you all of the time.

If your DH's family are all dead... do you think maybe he resents the fact that your mum is still alive? Perhaps that's what's colouring his feelings/emotions towards her.

Have your other two siblings actually said they can't have your mum over or go to hers? Have you asked them?

If you put it to them, and they both say no, then yes absolutely spend Christmas with your mum. She should not spend it alone! But it is your other siblings' turn and they should step up if they are able.

She's 85, she's in poor health, she's your Mum (irritating or not) and it's once a year?

I'd go to hers as you wish and leave the husband at home if he wishes. (If he's going to sulk and throw his weight around, having him there wouldn't be pleasant.)

Have your other two siblings actually said they can't have your mum over or go to hers? Have you asked them?

Hasn't the OP said that her DBro had DM last year and financially her DSis can'take travel?

Having money issues (sis) and a baby (bro number 2) are good practical reasons, indeed. My question was: is OP just assuming that sis and bro 2 can't do it, or have they actually said they can't?

It's never good to assume, and it's probably a good idea to have an open discussion between all 4 siblings about shared responsibility and who can do what.