Bit of a mess - online advice/resources?

[Hollysocks0]

I've posted this on LGBT parenting but posting here for advice as I'm especially struggling tonight. I've name changed for this. I'm just looking for some advice and to be pointed towards some resources if they exist.

I'm 27 and I've been married to my husband for just over a year. We were trying for a baby but have decided to not focus on that for the moment because of our ages and our careers.

My husband is vaguely aware of my past relationships with women. I've never hid it from him, but he has never asked about them or mentioned it since. I adore my husband but there's always been something missing and I've never been able to put my finger on it.

A couple of months ago someone close to us came out and shared that they were in a loving long term relationship. I am so happy for them both and have no interest in being with either of them, but it's been a real eye opener on my own sexuality which I've pushed down for so long, and the catalyst for how I'm feeling at the moment. The thoughts have always been there in my head throughout our relationship but I've always ignored them.

I have no one to speak to about this. My family would disown me, my husband would NOT be understanding. I would lose my home, my friends, and my job. It's consumed my life for the past few months and I can't get my head straight. I'm not sleeping and can't focus on anything else than my own thoughts. I'm managing to hide this from my husband at the moment.

Are there any online forums or advice for me? I need to get my head sorted out and work out what I want. I can't risk losing my husband yet.

Sorry for the ramble

Saying that you can't risk losing your husband "yet" sounds as you if have decided that there will be a time when you will be willing to risk losing him, or will simply divest yourself of him without a backward glance.

This is further evidenced by your attempt to place responsibility for your failure to disclose your true sexuality to your dh prior to your marriage by claiming that he should have asked you because you didn't hide your past relationshps with women from him, but how open were you about them? Did you spell out the fact that they were sexual in nature, or did you cloak them in the ambiguity of 'close friendships' such as many women have with same sex females?

It seems probable that you married your dh in order to hide your sexual orientation from the family who would "disown" if you come out and, if this is the case, continuing to compromise your personal integrity is likely to cause you to become further conflicted by the choices you have made to date.

If you google search 'gay lesbian forum' you will find these resources tend to be localised but, in the first instance, I would suggest you seek counselling to confront and resolve your fears about living openly and honestly.

gaycounselling.uk/

Needless to say, you would be singularly ill-advised to become pg until you have resolved your issues.

Hi goddess thank you for replying I appreciate what you're saying. God I come across as really selfish don't I

I don't mean to blame DH for any of this, it's entirely of my own doing. He's a wonderful man and I love him but these doubts I have are consuming me.

By not being able to lose my husband "yet" I meant that I needed to work my own feelings out fully before ever even considering tearing his world apart, and certainly never without a backward glance. My poor DH.

I fully disclosed those relationships to him. DH compartmentalises things that are and are not relevant to him about a person so I think he's just shut that part of my life out of his mind because to him it's irrelevant because i chose to be with him and absolutely love him IYSWIM?

Never once have I thought of him as a disguise from my family. When we got together it was because I'd met this great person and wanted to be with him. I love him but these thoughts have always been there in the back ground. I'm completely confused why I can't shut them out anymore.

I'm Definately going to look into counselling, thank you I hadn't so much as considered that but it makes sense. And any attempts for a baby are off the cards completely, for many reasons now including this one.

Thank you again