why do they make us nag them? why is he so childish? am i the only one who has a partner who has been spoild? ?

[kestrell]

i feel like such a cliché. However I am at a loss as to what to do to resolve this. (sorry about the essay)

I live with my partner and we have been together for a few years now. however, I constantly feel like I am having to do everything around the house. For example, He never cleans up or puts things away of his own accord. In the past 2 years he has cleaned the bathroom no more than 5 times and he does the washing up about 3 times a month!! (in comparison i have to do it almost every day). He also doesn't seem to know where the bin is. When i ask him to throw his rubbish away he acts like a spoilt child and says some rubbish like 'so what', 'i'll do it later', or just makes a silly 'nanana' noise as if he is mocking me 'nagging' him. O_o

when i (as politely as i can muster) tell him that he need to do more around the house he often just point blank ignores me and yesterday he actually said, 'well you need to do more' (whatever that means!) - he often tries to push it back on me or try to get out of it by implying i owe him something or by highlighting something i haven't done.. is this fair?

he is always shirking responsibility and i can't tell if i am just being weak minded and letting him get away with it or he is just taking advantage of me because he knows i am crap at confrontation/quick and i will eventually crack and do it...?

When i confront him he always tries to make a bullshit excuse, i'm tired, i'm busy, i've been at work all day etc! or even starts to find something else to do instead (like tidy a cupboard, or sort out his tools, or even just play a game)

I am constantly having to ask him to do things. sometimes it gets to the point when i have to beg him to do something. He leaves things so long and does so little that he basically forces me to nag him to do something. and then has the cheek to complain that i am nagging him!! sometimes i think he is crazy!

• I think this is a result of too much 'mothering' i.e. his mum basically did everything for him, fed him up till he was fat and he didn't have to lift a finger when he was younger. what do you think?

• does anyone else have this problem? how do you deal with this?

i don't have any other couples to sort of, compare myself too. all the couples i know are his friends so its too awkward to ask.

• also does anyone have any advice on what i could say to confront him so he sees the truth? should i keep a tally of what we both do house-wise or is that just a bit pathetic?

May I ask a few questions...

Are you married?
Whose house is it?
Do you have children?
Do you both work?

The answers will jot help us to wave a magic wand and turn this arse into a proper grown up person, it just might help you to see the way forward.

Nope you're not alone - my DP told me he was annoyed because I asked him to put his dirty socks in the laundry basket after I had spent the whole morning cleaning and tidying. He said he was sick of my nagging! He's an only child - his mother did everything for him. Cleaned the bathroom only once in the last two years...

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You're simply carrying on where his mother left off. This is what life is like with an overgrown manchild. He feels totally entitled to act like this, also his mother likely ran around after him all the time when he was younger so thinks you can do the same now.

He will not change; you can only change how you react to him. My guess too is that he is inconsiderate in all other areas of your relationship as well.

Do you have children?.

I would seriously consider the future of this relationship; presumably he is also too lazy to perhaps want to marry you as well.

The only person you can change is you. The only actions you can change are yours.

He's a bad un. Whether that's his mothers fault or as he's an adult , his own fault- doesn't really matter.

Kick him out, leave, put up with it, hope that he has a character transplant.

Unfortunately, these are your only options.

So you've put up with this crap for "a few years"? Jeez, you've a lot more patience than I have, I'd have put him straight after the first week.

See, the thing is he's successfully browbeaten you into submission. He's not likely to change now, so the only thing you can change is you.

There might be other parts of your relationship which are satisfactory but his disrespectful behaviour towards you should be a deal-breaker. To him you are merely a domestic appliance which also provides sexual services.

'They' don't make 'us' nag them. They behave in the way they choose to and rather than thinking, "stuff that, I'm not putting up with it" and moving on, some women set themselves choose to stay and nag them.

You can't change another person. The only thing you can chabge is whether or not you put up with it.

You must be the change you wish to see and all that.

List of jobs, allocated to different days of the week and split between you. Present the list to him and say that's it: he sees what needs to be and when. If he doesn't / won't at least you have a concrete argument... It's not that you are nagging about "everything", just asking him to explain why he won't do his very clear share. It is a good plan but if he DOES refuse you are a bit stuffed unless you can cope with a house where his share of stuff remains undone- who will crack first?!

My exp was like this

In 7 years he never cleaned a bathroom, I don't even think he's cleaned one in his life TBH

He says I'm mean for getting our dc to do bits around the house but as far as I see it I don't want them ending up like him!

The only person you can change is you. The only actions you can change are yours.

This

Your responsibility and power lies in how much of this man child's ways you're prepared to expose yourself to, do not waste your time by thinking there's a special combination of words that would persuade him to give a shit.

He's a bad un. Whether that's his mothers fault hmm or as he's an adult , his own fault- doesn't really matter.

and this

thanks guys for your honest opinions.

we are not married and we don't have kids (sorry i am non mum hijacking mums net lol). we both work equal amounts and the house is rented off his family.

EggShellsorNarc - thank you, although i wouldn't wish it upon someone it is comforting to know other people have to deal with this too!

it hasn't got to the point where i am considering chucking him out because i know everyone has their annoying traits and quirks but i am starting to feel it is definitely time for a serious confrontation about it as he is starting to take the piss. i think he has got too comfortable and sees the house as just a chill zone. the occasional asking and hinting doesn't seem to make much difference. i need to pluck up some courage.

i guess if it doesn't work the the only option would be to ask him to leave... i hope it doesn't come to that!! vast majority of the time we get on very well and have many similar interests, his family love me (don't mean to sound arrogant lol), we have a laugh and he does support me and doesn't object to my life choices, he is comfortable with me seeing friends and family who all live miles away and isn't controlling in that sense so don't get me wrong it's deffo not all bad!

haha i think 'over grown man child' is a good phrase

thank you all. he is clearly being selfish.

'The only person you can change is you. The only actions you can change are yours.'

yes i agree with this in many ways. it is time for me to stop being so patient with him

Mrs Wooster - ' It's not that you are nagging about "everything", just asking him to explain why he won't do his very clear share. '

i will ask him this!

I hate when the "nagging" comes up. It's called "asking" and we wouldnt have to keep asking if they stopped fondling their bollocks and actually did something.

stop hinting, and lay it down in plain English.

You're two able bodied adults sharing a home. Both of you work. Why are you pulling your weight and covering his share of the chores? An adult male who won't do housework is pathetic. He's an overgrown, entitled man child.

Stop being patient and tell him what you need him to do. Do not, under any circumstances, let him get away with the 'if I do it really badly she'll not ask me to do it again' routine either. Call him out on it if you find him doing that.

If he bucks his ideas up and does his share, great. If he whines, does as little as possible, does it badly, accuses you of nagging etc, then kick him to the kerb. If he can only cope with living with his mummy looking after him, then so be it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy - hahaha YES! couldn't agree more.

He sounds revoltingly childish. Honestly I couldn't open my legs for a 'man' like that. Is he as entitled in other areas of your relationship?

He is treating you like his mummy and your letting him.

Why are you putting up with it? Over time you will lose respect for a grown adult who obviously doesnt want to pick his own shit up but why should he when your doing a great job of it?

People only treat you the way you let them

The comment ' you need to do more' when you challenged him reminds me of a toss pot spoilt ex I had. Don't tie yourself to some one who clearly has no respect for you.

You have done the talking, the nagging etc so stop - stop it.

The best thing is to just stop doing, stop cooking, stop cleaning and stop mothering him.

Go out with your mates, have a few nights out doing what you want....

Don't waste time and energy talking to a brick wall, instead make changes to your life.

It would be interesting to see how he reacts

Stop nagging then and start looking for somewhere else to live.
Life is too short.

And if you do have kids with him, you think he will suddenly grow up? Hundreds of threads on here will tell you otherwise.

Oh, and he is showing you what sort of a person he is.

Don't ignore the signs!

Stop doing everything for him. He is treating you like a doormat because you're acting like one.

Wash your clothes but not his. Cook and wash up for yourself but not him.

Better still, move out and let him stew in his own filth.

But you sound like you want to stay with him for some reason so you could try a trial separation or just going away for a week, see if he manages to work out where the cleaning products are.

Or get a cleaner than he pays for out of his salary. Wouldn't solve it properly though, a cleaner won't do everything like you do.

He's telling you very clearly what sort of person he is, and what he thinks of you. Ask yourself, in five years time things are still the same how will you feel? Will you be angry you've spent five years cleaning up after him, five years living in his mess?

Don't write a list and allocate tasks. That simply makes cleaning your job he will feel you need to be grateful because he's helping you. It will force you to keep on all the mental effort required to keep a house/family and that's exhausting.

Personally I'd leave now before you have children. It may be a wake up call and he will change, I doubt it though.

And don't blame his mum - he's an adult persisting in treating you like his servant

Imagine having a child with him?
Not great right?
You know what you need to do.

Read wifework. Ditch this guy. Expecting your partner to pull their weight in the house is reasonable and if they don't over time it will erode your feelings for them.