How do you deal with partners clutter/mess?

[Oldisthenewblack]

I've posted elsewhere about a relationship that has just ended, but I'm still going over everything in my head and there's an issue that I'm mulling over. It's probably going to sound very trivial, but in a nutshell, it's Clutter. Mess. A chaotic living environment. My partner was rather messy and I struggle to function in a chaotic environment. For example, there was very little usable space on his kitchen worktops due to them being littered with stuff. He would take things out and not put them back (sometimes wouldn't even close the draws/cupboards) and his post would pile up in the hallways as he wouldn't deal with it. If he did open a letter, I would often find the ripped envelope just lying in the hall.

I did try to explain the effect mess can have on a person (him too, not just me) and on a couple of occasions we worked together and tidied the place up and he was very happy with the results. He generally used the dining room as a dumping ground, despite it being a lovely room. It was rendered unusable by all the crap he dumped in there, including on the dining table. Anyway, we cleared it, made it usable and great to be able to eat in there, and play Scrabble across the table!

My last visit there last week was so disheartening. Dining room had reverted to a dumping ground. Kitchen was utter chaos. And a small bedroom that used to be so full that he kept the door closed was no so full that the door wouldn't close and it was spilling out into the hallway!

I should point out that I don't live in a show home (as if...) and my windows are filthy. And I'm currently staring at a huge chocolcate stain on my throw. But, generally, I address things. And whilst I may occasionally be mucky, I am tidy. If his place had just been dirty (which it wasn't) I would have knuckled down with the necessary cleaning materials, but with clutter, it's impossible to know where to start.

I don't had a particular question here, I would just love to hear from other people regarding their experiences with messy partners, clutter, how you deal with it? Did you ever have a new partner and on finding out they were clutter bugs, seem them differently?

Sorry for the rambling post smile

My DH is a lazy, messy git.
He is otherwise a lovely person but even so I have recently threatened to leave him as the dirt and mess and clutter has gotten to me so much.
He will spill something and not clean it up, drop something and leave it on the floor, take something out and not put it back.
Washing up gets shown the cloth and expected to be clean.

It can have an awful effect on your mental health and it sounds like you were more than patient and kind to help him.
I don't know if people who live like that can change. I live in hope.
Regardless you are very much best out of it

ARockNRoll - Yes, it can affect your mental health negatively, and I think it most certainly did in this case. I really did try and help him many times. It must be REALLY serious if you've threatened to leave your DH over the mess! Does he not realise the ultimate end result of behaving like that is living in a total hovel?? What was his place like when he lived on his own, if he did?

I am pretty messy and most of what is being complained about on this thread I do even putting egg shells back into the box. I do throw them away when I've finished cooking but it's a handy place to keep them in the meantime.

I do recognise that my comfortable level of mess is way lower than DH's and I make an effort to change things that he asks me to even when I'm often thinking "Why? It looks fine!" But left to it, I just don't see it or think about it. It's become important because it's important to DH/DS if that makes sense. But I have to rely on apps and reminders to push me to actually do it. I do think it's worth making the effort when you care about somebody. To just ignore it and say that it doesn't matter to HIM is pretty selfish. I couldn't be with somebody who was totally stressy about mess - DH is not - but I'll work with expectations. I wouldn't like to be constantly nagged to clean up, though, that just creates resentment.

When I first moved in to his flat, Old, it was vile. Like, there were mice, vile. (Not old place or in the countryside, just filthy)
I was unemployed for a few weeks and I used that time to sort the place out. I was disgusted but thought he was being a typical young bachelor and when it was tidy that is how it would stay. It didn't.
Over the years I have screamed, shouted, begged, asked nicely and bribed to get him to do housework.
Early on we agreed I would do all housework in all rooms except kitchen. Even so the dishes pile up, food is left to go mouldy, the bin overflows.

I spend more time cleaning up after him than a destructive toddler.
The final straw was going into the kitchen one morning and he'd done the several days worth of washing up and left it piled up on the draining board. I went to the sink to get DD water and a very sharp chefs knife landed on my foot. My blood ran cold thinking that could of been DD it fell on.

Good heavens, ARockNRoll, that sounds dreadful. I must admit, my ex's place wasn't dirty, just incredibly messy. It's so draining to have to chase around after them, isn't it? Luckily, because it wasn't my place, I could walk away from it. But I found that every time I returned home, I tidied with renewed vigour . I do wish you the best of luck with your OH.

BertieBotts If you don't notice the clutter, that's ok. I think some people are like that, and good on them! I wish I was. Maybe my ex was, but somehow I think deep down it did affect him. Of course, I could be wrong. I'm quite into Feng Shui, so I do believe that clutter and disorganisation can block us in some ways. I think you have a great attitude though, you seem to have the balance right. You clearly care about your DH and alter your ways somewhat to accomodate him.

BeyonceRiRi I started the relationship with him as I liked him. I didn't visit his house until a while into the relationship, and it really wasn't THAT bad. As I've said (I think), it wasn't like these homes you see on TV, true hoarder style. Yes, the kitchen was probably messy but I'm not one to start looking around and passing judgments. It was only some time down the line that I realised that he never dealt with his post....the surfaces never seemed to be free of clutter...one bedroom was unusable.....And then begins the process of talking about it and hoping things will change.

As it happens, what was the deal breaker was the emotional abuse and temper outbursts.

DH is a hoarder. I let him have a man cave, and his stuff left elsewhere was dumped in there. Every now and again, I would tell him I was getting twitchy, and on a binning mission. Within a week t would have been sorted to some extent and I did bin some stuff the time it wasn't

Then, he moved across some water, and left me to pack up. Let's just say a lot of stuff left the house via the bin/charity shop bags/tip trips and not via the removal men..... He hasn't noticed anything (yet!)

5Blue - that's it, sometimes clearing up can seem like an impossible mountain to climb. Have been there myself. So that's why I offered to help the ex to de-clutter, thinking it would help to have two going at it. But oh god, just remembered this: he would get distracted! So, we'd start clearing the dining room, and he'd become totally fixed on one thing, like a drawer or cupboard and then it would be "just let me do this" - so the actual task we started would fall by the wayside as he focused on one tiny aspect of the bigger picture! Bloody hell, I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it. I'd have to explain that yes, it's GREAT that you're doing that but once you've done it, the room ISN'T GOING TO LOOK ANY TIDIER.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been suffering with depression, 5Blue, that really does make everything a lot more difficult. I do wish you well with that.

That's real hoarding behaviour, Old. You're well out of the situation.

Out of interest - and only if you can actually say (eg it's not too personal) - was there a theme to his temper outbursts?

Oh god don't iv literally had to explain like a child to my dp what needs doing around the house he seems to get it now and has improved alot

I am not at all one of those women who is massively tidy and on top of all the housework it doesn't come easily as I'm quite disorganised and messy but I do my best to ensure a tidy clean environment for me and ds . I can't cope with clutter it makes me stressed

Been with dp 18 months and he is awesome but he is the first partner iv ever had to "nag" ( I hate that term) he just does not have the same standards as me which I don't think are even that high ( I don't iron for example )

He just doesn't see the mess and clutter , he just dumps stuff all over . Or he did . I basically said I love you but I cant a. Live in a shithole or b. Clean up after you like a child because I don't want to live in a shithole .

So far so good

cozie - I don't mind saying at all. Gosh, how to explain it though? Usually he would lose it if he'd "had enough". But it wouldn't always be outright temper. Initially. It would be an attitude, something that I can't put into words, and I'd just KNOW that he was pissed off. I realise now that I was hyper sensitive to his moods, had to be as they led to his abusive behaviour. Often he would react defensively or belligerently if I 'pulled him up' on something. I.e, if he talked over me, interrupted me, said something particularly insensitive. Basically if I did or said anything that indicated he was not in the right.

I have read around abusive relationships so I recognise the signs. He never, EVER used to say sorry, or apologise for anything. He would never, EVER back down. I used to be walking on eggshells around him. He improved as time went on, definitely. But all the loveliness doesn't make up for the nasty times. Fuck him and his cluttered home!!

another messy one here!

I do de-clutter regularly though. Basically I just get a bin bag and sweep the contents of the table/counter into it, on the basis of "if I haven't used it for 6 months and it isn't a seasonal item, I don't need it."

I do mop up dirt and so on but I'll frequently leave washing up "to soak" until I've run out of plates

But then I live on my own so I can please myself!

I think that's the key, pocketsaviour, at least de-cluttering regularly. Every little helps, as they say....There are parts of my flat that I only do every now and again. Oh god, just remembered my wardrobe . In fact, my flat may be considered by some to be in a state of disrepair - a door handle broken, a drawer needs fixing, a blind is only half attached to the ceiling. But these things I can live with, as it doesn't impact on the space. I can still move freely through my space, unimpeded by mounds of junk, I don't have to clear a surface before I can use it, etc. I realise these things are bad feng shui, still, but hey, they'll have to wait.

And as you say, you live on your own so you can please yourself. And there's a lot to be said for living on your own. It's much less hassle

That makes sense - wound tight like a spring and everything having to be completely ......even, is the best way I can put it? (As far as he was concerned of course.)

There was nothing you could really have done and you would likely have destroyed yourself if you'd tried for much longer. You're well gone from it.

(It's still a sadness, though - how screwed up some people can become.)

You're tight, cozie, nothing I could have done. I think it did destroy me to some degree, so need to stay away. Thank you for your kind words.

Oh yes. I also have hoarding tendencies but I am in control of them. It hasn't always been easy - it isn't always easy, because it's ongoing. I can't bear the thought of something being wasted, and sometimes I just have to be tough with myself and remind myself that it's not wasted if nobody wants it, and it's absolutely no use at all hanging around with me if I'm not going to actively use it or appreciate it. Marie Kondo has helped a lot. I also get distracted and focus on small details to the detriment of the bigger picture. I'm on a waiting list for diagnosis for ADHD, it might be related.

My mum is into Feng Shui, but looking at her house with the perspective I have now, it's SO cluttered! But I actually don't mind clutter. I get annoyed when I find things have been damaged due to being left on the floor, but I get annoyed at the fact people have clumped their great hoofs over everything, rather than the fact it was on the floor. If anything the clutter and loads of stuff makes me feel safe, contained, like being wrapped in a nice big blanket and loads of pillows. But there is a sense of calm in DH's preferred neatness, too. However, I'll never be minimalist. I'm actually really excited that we are moving to a flat soon which we'll be able to actually paint because I find the vast expanse of white walls difficult. It's like they are noisy. I much prefer a nice calming sense of colour - even if it's something subtle like grey. I think it's the sense of something being there which I like.

Sorry I have gone on a huge ramble there

Bertie - It's always fascinating finding out how other people deal with the organisation of their surroundings. I'm like you, I could never be a minimalist. My flat probably looks a tad crowded to some, but it's not too badly organised. I couldn't do the white walls either as I think it may be a tad too cold - like you, a calming colour is ideal. I've heard of Marie Kondo but not looked deeply into it yet. And as far as the fund shui is concerned, I probably do a while heap of things wrong, but some things seem quite intuitive to me, and I felt that in regard to my ex's olace, there was so much that was wrong, and yet so much potential.

Good luck with your new flat and hope you find some lovely colours for the walls!

But isn't this about just having different levels of 'tolerance' or 'comfort' ? I don't see why it is so "wrong" to have a lot of stuff, or to be too busy doing other things at some points in your life, to worry too much about clearing out a particular room. Personally, I think people are a bit sad, when they don't belong to things / ever go out anywhere but spend a lot of time worrying about either their appearance, or the appearance of their homes, but, at the end of the day, that's what they want to spend their time doing, and it's not affecting anyone else, then why would it be a problem ?

OP's partner's sort of 'clutter' is a dealbreaker. A red flag, in fact. Don't waste your time. I am stressed just reading about it.

Ha ha, blueshoes, yes, that's how I felt! Stressed as soon as I walked in the door.

Why are you bothered, are you wanting to get back with him?

No, as I explained in my original post, I was just curious about other people's experiences of this.