How do you deal with partners clutter/mess?

[Oldisthenewblack]

I've posted elsewhere about a relationship that has just ended, but I'm still going over everything in my head and there's an issue that I'm mulling over. It's probably going to sound very trivial, but in a nutshell, it's Clutter. Mess. A chaotic living environment. My partner was rather messy and I struggle to function in a chaotic environment. For example, there was very little usable space on his kitchen worktops due to them being littered with stuff. He would take things out and not put them back (sometimes wouldn't even close the draws/cupboards) and his post would pile up in the hallways as he wouldn't deal with it. If he did open a letter, I would often find the ripped envelope just lying in the hall.

I did try to explain the effect mess can have on a person (him too, not just me) and on a couple of occasions we worked together and tidied the place up and he was very happy with the results. He generally used the dining room as a dumping ground, despite it being a lovely room. It was rendered unusable by all the crap he dumped in there, including on the dining table. Anyway, we cleared it, made it usable and great to be able to eat in there, and play Scrabble across the table!

My last visit there last week was so disheartening. Dining room had reverted to a dumping ground. Kitchen was utter chaos. And a small bedroom that used to be so full that he kept the door closed was no so full that the door wouldn't close and it was spilling out into the hallway!

I should point out that I don't live in a show home (as if...) and my windows are filthy. And I'm currently staring at a huge chocolcate stain on my throw. But, generally, I address things. And whilst I may occasionally be mucky, I am tidy. If his place had just been dirty (which it wasn't) I would have knuckled down with the necessary cleaning materials, but with clutter, it's impossible to know where to start.

I don't had a particular question here, I would just love to hear from other people regarding their experiences with messy partners, clutter, how you deal with it? Did you ever have a new partner and on finding out they were clutter bugs, seem them differently?

Sorry for the rambling post smile

I meant , obviously....

i have a similar issue. my partner just doesnt understand that being messy and not doing the chores has quite a negative impact on the both of us and he tries his hardest to get out of doing anything. he is quite happy to let the empty bottles mout up and te dishes to go mouldy.

in hind sight i wish i had proposed a set of rules to stick to, or an agreement that we would both do equal amounts before we moved in together. if we were to break up i would definitely take this into consideration when finding a future partner as it has become somewhat a burden on my life.

If it's his house and you don't live there, there's not much you can do except decide if the relationship has a future. I couldn't live with someone that messy- crumbs in the kitchen bother me let alone having no useable workspace! If he's like that when you don't live together it will only get more annoying if you do move in as you'll be looking at it all the time!!

Not much you can do really - messy people and tidy people very rarely get on well living together!

Well, Flossieflower, the relationship doesn't have a future, for reasons entirely unrelated to his clutter You're right, it's his house and he has the right to do as he likes. He can clearly manage his life living in that confusion and it doesn't, on the surface, appear to make him unhappy. I actually think he doesn't notice most of the time. But I also believe that it was having an impact on him, deep down, and on some level may have been a manifestation of his head space. As for us living together, I was trying to change things in his current home so that when we DID live together, it would be more harmonious.

kestrell - yes, it does have a negative impact, doesn't it? And they don't seem to comprehend the wider implications of the mess. My ex partner used to cook, and he was excellent at it, but oh my god, the MESS when he was finished! He would break eggs and put the empty shells back in the box in the box with the whole eggs!! That's just stupid! Another thing was dumping bags of shopping on the side and not emptying them properly or putting things away as soon as he got in. Part of the problem was that his cupboards were so jam packed that he didn't have that much space to put things anyway!

On returning from his last week (I didn't last the night, we had a huge bust up - not clutter related) I went on a bit of a tidying kick at mine. In fact, I think I went a bit OCD on it. Actually, I say it wasn't related to the clutter, there's no doubt the clutter put me in a negative head space almost as soon as I walked through the door and that persisted.

Rather messy is one thing - but it sounds as if he's actually hoarding which is something else entirely and indicative of some kind of issue(s) which may not be immediately apparent. (I've lived with one hoarder and known some others.) Their relationship with things and people is deeply flawed in some way.

There's nothing you can do really if he has no impetus to change. (Nor even if he did, probably.)

Pay attention to yourself, though. You can get a reaction to hoarding which is that you become 'rubbish oriented' (I'm thinking of your last post) and which, in extreme cases, can lead you to buy/condemn things in order to throw them or their packaging out. (It's another sign of a flawed view of life/possessions, albeit a slightly different one.) Ask yourself if you have a real warm inner glow when you see a full rubbish bin?

It does sound like his behaviour is rather abnormal and therefore not something that you should have to deal with as part of a relationship anyway. Untidiness drives me a bit mad to but a room which is literally spilling over into other rooms or hallways just isn't normal. I don't think this is something you need to learn from for future relationships OP.

cozietoesie - To some extent I think he was a hoarder, though not to the extreme that you see on all these TV programmes. He would buy extras of things he already had a lot of and seemed to struggle throwing certain things out. Being 'rubbish oriented' sounds interesting, not sure I'm quite there yet, haven't got the funds to buy things just to discard or chuck things just to see an empty shelf

I get my warm inner glow when I settle down at night to watch TV or read and I'm not distracted by mounds of clothes on the sofa or piles of old magazines that need to be addressed.....

I've been there myself though; I know how hard it can be be get motivated, especially when you're not completely happy in your life. And I don't think he was, totally. Ironically, I suffer from anxiety and these days, depression (exacerbated by the relationship issues) but for me, these problems are worsened by disorganisation.

Lillybug - yes, indeedy, I will take note and apply what I've learned (get the fuck out...) to future relationships. God, I've learned so much from this relationship, and most of it has been painful.

Think I'll clean my windows tomorrow.

Awareness of the issues is most of the way there, Old - are you having any treatment for your anxiety and depression?

(How old is he (roughly) as well? Most hoarders seem to start early on but then worsen - markedly in some cases - as they age.)

I relate to this OP and can give you my partial success story of setting up home with a hoarder. He is very keen to improve after clearing his parents uninhabitable house out and then clearing his own clutter when he moved in with me to our new home.
Hoarders are often anxious and clinging on to their stash for deep psychological reasons so you can't just tidy them up. They need to understand this and want to develop a healthier relationship with belongings. Treatment involves therapy but I have a containment policy while DP is still trying to deal with his stuff by himself.

In our shared house I have a zoning policy. Public areas such as bathroom kicthen and living room have to be tidy and clutter free. Bedrooms are the business of the individual. DP has an office for his business and a man cave for his hobby in the basement which is his to organise, and I have a lovely sitting room that is all mine to decorate and hide in when he is driving me crazy. The area of contention is the hall which fills with clutter on its way to other places and the front garden likewise (think Steptoes yard).

Sometimes I discuss and negotiate and sometimes I just remove things to his area and leave them there for him to deal with. Other days I load stuff up and take it away to the recycling centre! It depends on my mood and how much stuff has accumulated.

I worry I will weaken and he will start to take over with his mess, but so far I am keeping the boundaries firm! But he loves me a lot and wants living together to work out so I am optimistic he can learn to live alongside me without either of us having to compromise too far, and I can tolerate his hideous heaps of crap treasured belongings.

Oh and the egg shell thing is just him being a lazy git!

...but so far I am keeping the boundaries firm!...

All of that constant vigilance is so very very tiring though isn't it? (And sometimes can skew/impact on other areas of the relationship.) Do you have DCs?

Good luck, anyway.

cozietoesie - He's 50 this year. He pays lip service to the idea of clutter-free being a great idea and freeing, but he doesn't seem to do much about it of his own accord. And yes, it's so very exhausting having to repeatedly bring to his attention that the post is beginning to pile up again and the surfaces are being buried again.....

Left to his own devices, the clutter was never referred to. I never heard him say "oh, I must sort that out" or "maybe I should get rid of that".

My anxiety was very manageable until I met him! Unfortunately, he was emotionally abusive at times and it drove me to a breakdown, so I'm well aware that he needs to be out of my life. That's a whole other thread! I think I will probably be ok, in time, I just need to spend some time recovering from the damage he's caused. I am on a waiting list for counselling and my GP is referring me for therapy.

TopOfTheCLiff - yes, you're right, it IS him being a lazy git! I knew this but was making excuses, as I've done for him all along, in so many areas.

Some of the things - like hoarding tendencies - sound like me...
And it's not an easy one to fix!!

Yes - I think you will be OK.

Good luck with the counselling and therapy.

It would be a deal breaker for me OP.

The thing is as a 40 year old woman, I just don't have the time or energy to be trying to "change" a grown man's ways, I'd hate for any potential partners to try to change me. I wouldn't even entertain a relationship with a 50 year old who lived like that.

I'm baffled as to why you even started a relationship with this man, where you were managing your anxiety, why do that to yourself? I'm allergic to drama in all forms, I want an easy life.....probably why I will forever be singly which I'm ok with!

5Blue - I guess if a person is content with their hoarding tendencies (and actually, I'm not immune to them myself), there isn't a problem. It's if the clutter is preventing you from moving on with your life, or 'blocking' you in some way, literally or metaphorically, that it becomes an issue. I do know that clutter in my own life prevents me from moving forward. Are you content with how you are?

cozie - thanks - will be 'interesting' if nothing else.

Interesting thread as I am the messy disorganised one! However I'm not happy with it. My partner says it doesn't bother him but we don't live together. I've just paid for someone to come and do a huge clutter removal. I'm so much happier.
I'm not dirty mind you and don't leave dishes lying around etc. I just got overwhelmed.

Its also extremely likely that I have ADD (I was pretty much diagnosed last year - I say pretty much because they couldn't be 100% due to it not being addressed in childhood)

My husband is a sloth!! I literally have to clean up behind him as much as I do my four year old! But, I've always just done it. My friends tell me I'm mental and should cause arguments to make him realise how messy he is. But, he works all day to provide for me and the children...I am a house wife...so technically, it's my job. He's brill with the kids and we have a great relationship, so picking up behind him to me is a very small price to pay for such a lovely husband

my DP and i met last year and for a whole year i didnt get invited to his house and wondered why but didnt question it as i was happy just seeing him at mine twice a week,

we decided to move in together and decided to get a totally different house from either of ours, omg when i did go to his house to help with packing,

he had a four bedroom house with a dining room, the kitchen probably had around 3 months washing up and was filthy, the bathroom hadnt been cleaned in ooh around two years, the dining room was full, one bedroom had boxes from 6 years before when he moved in there, his first words were please dont judge me,

so the solution was to agree what was coming into the new house and what was going to the dump, and i made him do the cleaning and tidying to the level where i could go in and help him clean each room to empty standard,

little did i know he owns hundreds of tee shirts, jeans etc, lots of computer stuff from his days as a programmer, (hes a lecturer at uni now) we dumped all the extra stuff in the spare bedroom and it took me 3 months to work my way through the bags of clothes etc, so now i do the housework and cooking and he does the washing up, his office room he can have as messy as he likes i dont go in there and the rest of the house has to be kept clean and tidy it works for us

No, it doesn't really make me happy. Have always been a bit messy - but not dirty!! Drives my husband a bit mad although he isn't as tidy as he likes to imagine he is. The last couple of years I have suffered with depression and things have got worse.
When I look at my messy dining room it does upset me but then I feel overwhelmed sometimes. It seems like an impossible task to get things sorted.

DH office is awful. He just doesn't see mess. And makes it worse by doing daft things like taking all but a few pieces of cutlery when clearing a table or knocking things off surfaces and only seeing half of what's been knocked. What's worse is he blames the DDs. I always pull him up on that! I generally don't get the hump over the mess though as I also hoard and am generally the second messiest person I know...

I couldn't be with somebody who was like that, it would infuriate me and be like having a messy child. My husband I had to train him up slightly but he was already very tidy just had a few bad habits, but don't we all! I like a tidy home, not always spotless but functional and clean