Feeling totally smothered by ILs

[Puttheheatingon]

I'm getting increasingly fed up with feeling as of we are being smothered by my MIL and SIL who live together. We are expected to spend every weekend with them; they are local (ish; 10 miles away) and we do see them frequently but our Saturdays tend to be busy with activities and sometimes on a Sunday we like to spend time as a family.

We'll go for Sunday lunch. On Monday we'll get Mil on the phone all maudlin that she never sees the dc (nearly 8 and nearly 5). Today dh and DD2 are going for lunch at a pub with MIL and SIL and I'm taking dd1 to a party. MIL got all upset and demanded to talk to dd1 on the phone yesterday as she was "so sad" she wasn't coming to lunch.

We saw them at a family event last week. The lunch today is part two of SIL's Significant Birthday celebrations, part one of which we celebrated with her four weeks ago on the day of her birthday. We've spent a fortune recently on family events (Dn's christening, dn's birthday, SIL's birthday) so aside from anything else two eating lunch is much cheaper than four...

Dd1's birthday is coming up. We aren't inviting dn because the six year age difference is tricky to accommodate at an activity she can't join in with. We're in trouble for that too. Because MIL is "so sad not be coming to the party!"

MiL wants to pick them up from school. Currently she and SIL share a car and SIL uses it for work: she's no means of doing it and is making us feel bad. She has done this in the past but was unreliable to the point that there were a few times we had to take time off work.

I'm at the point where I want to move. Dh feels the same way. I'm so very tired of the guilt trips.

What an awful situation, your MIL sounds extremely wearing. At least you and DH are both on the same page though, which is a good start.

Unless you want to move anyway then DH talking kindly but very firmly to his DM would surely be the thing to try first. He should go through all the above points with her and ask her about them. She will be upset, he will feel bad, but it might do the trick and make her see how strangely and selfishly she is acting.

I had a situation with my DM and it took me about two years to get the courage to say anything. She was upset and I felt awful for about a week. However things are so much better between us now as she behaves more normally.

Dh says if we moved we'd still have to see them, but in my head I think a weekend dosage every so often would be preferable to the drip, drip, drip of having to see them every week.

We had thought this was our forever house.

"Dh says if we moved we'd still have to see them,"

Well of course you wouldn't.

You are adults, you can see who you want to see.

They can expect all they want, but you don't have to do it!

Don't feel guilty, you are entitled to your lives & to do as you want.

Don't apologise & if see tries a guilt trip say"what a shame you feel like that".

Try drawing back-you'll neverplease them so don't bother yourself trying.

Sunday lunch once a month is surely enough and maybe teatime on another Sunday so that you still have a day together or a week night if that would work better?

I'm not help though, we moved to Germany!

Don't move from your 'forever' house, and with all the associated costs!

Just have a range of responses ready, rehearse them and use them firmly each and every time.

E.g make an arrangement: "MIL we'd love to see you for lunch in a fortnight's time, are you free?" MIL responds with lament about it not being every 3 days "well , that isn't possible so there is no point in any of us upsetting ourselves?" "The children have a range of friends and arrangements - and we like it that way" "We need time as a family to concentrate on other areas of our lives" and mostly, just "no, not possible, see you in a fortnight" with no discussion. And if she rings DH to complain / wail "Mum, don't take it personally, and you need to be realistic. We enjoy spending the time we do spend together and lets' not spoil that by complaining about the time we don't".

And just keep it up.

After a month or two she will drop it.

If she doesn't, lose your temper.

Better than moving house. If you move further away she will wheedle to come and stay the weekend.

You have to change the behaviour, not the location.

I agree with Blu. This started happening with my in laws when DS was born. Texting/ringing trying to book weekly visits on top of FaceTime twice a week (live an hour away) I started booking in dates for 2-3 weeks time. Asking "we're next free on the 12th, can you come for lunch?" And things like that. Immediate family time is important, especially when you have children. You can't spend every weekend together. That's ridiculous!

Yes: Take control of the situation. Issue an invitation and turn down everything in between very firmly "No, that isn't possible, we'll see you on the 12th, though, as planned"

She sounds like a pain in the arse but you and your H's reluctance to enact boundaries with her, is the real problem. Pandering to your MIL is a strategy that obviously is not working out for you, so why are you persisting with it and not exercising your say in the type of relationship you have with her?

The good news is, you can take back the power you've surrendered at any time but you need to investigate and understand why you surrendered it in the first place. You're going to be waiting a long time if you expect your MIL to address her behaviour voluntarily, especially when it's worked to her advantage for so long.

It is still your forever house but MIL and SIL are adults responsible for their own happiness so no more guilt trips. Great for the extended family to be close but you are going to toughen up and not feel pressured into seeing them every weekend. Be firm, say when they can see your DCs according to when it suits you and prioritise your family unit.

I know this all makes sense and the moving thing is probably completely irrational.

We take off time in holidays to save what we can on childcare, yes, but also because we like to see our own children. MIL gets terribly upset by this as she feels that she should be the one to have them in the holidays. It's a source of conflict every year.

I dread Christmas because from October onwards we have the whole where are we spending Christmas debate. In the 13 years dh and I have been together we've been to my parents once. Once. The last few years we've stayed at home but not without the weekly guilt trip. I hate it so much.

MIL other tactic is to buy stuff for her house that might entice the dc to want to spend time there. A fancy playhouse for example, and lately a bike for dd1. Dd1 has a bike and we have a big enough car to pop it in if she thinks she wants to cycle.

They sound like so much hard work! Like pp has said at least your DP feels the same.

My PIL are a bit suffocating. Today Mil called to say she's not seen dd in ages. She saw her two weeks ago. My parents have only seen her 3 times in her short life - they never call to complain.

I think the only answer is to start saying no to invitations.

MIL getting upset is on her irrational expectations. You are not responsible for keeping her happy when she cannot always have what she wants. The more she pushes the further back you step. You both need to keep strong boundaries and just stop giving in to keep the peace. Your peace is important too.
"See you tomorrow sorry but next Saturday looks possible if we are not too busy."
Whine whine whine
"Well we'll keave it till the week after"
Stop rewarding her selfish demanding behaviour. It will take a while but she might learn - if not emigrate! To begin with it will be very uncomfortable but it may make future relationships better.

That sounds impossible. Apart from anything else, soon enough the kids will get fed up with it.

Go to your parents this year for Xmas.

By giving in to your MIL's whinging, she's managed to get what she wants, which is to have you dancing to her tune.

She actually ses the DCs a lot, compared to my family, and I know that my family are close. But my family appreciates that the DCs do have their own things to do as well.

To draw a line in the sand, I second going to your parent's for Xmas and making it clear that you will be alternating from this year on (if that's what you want to do). As a united front you will both need to keep repeating to MiL/SiL. 'It's only fair. They've only had us for Xmas one year out of the last 13. Puttheheaton's parents love the grandchildren, too'.

It's going to be an uphill battle but at this point you're just going to have to stand firm and refuse to be manipulated any more. They're just going to have to learn to take 'no' for an answer. It will take time to set a new pattern, but you have the absolute right to do so. Nor should you have to give up your forever home because you're afraid of hurt feelings.

Perhaps just be blunt back. When the whining starts over Christmas "MIL, I hear you, you want us to do x y z, we are doing a b c. Please stop whining about it or we will leave/not come over/stop visiting" then follow through.

If you say we can't come on Sunday see you the following week and the whining starts "oh if you're going to whine about it then we'll come next month instead"

Tell her she is whining and that the more she whines the less she will get visits.