Narc - me or him?

[EggShellsorNarc]

I have NC for this. Gosh, long, sorry… keep with me the question is at the end…

I posted a while ago about something my DP did quite a while ago that upset me; that I never felt was resolved. I was beginning to get over it, but then he did it again. I don’t really want to go into ‘it’ but needless to say I haven’t spoken to anyone who doesn’t think it is a deal breaker. But I have carried on with the relationship anyway (I know, I know…)

He has been in counselling for help with his communication/ empathy problems for a month or so (which are genuine issues, caused by his background). And now he has started to have the confidence to talk about the problems in the relationship it seems that he is annoyed with me because I am making him ‘feel like he is walking on egg shells’. I have said (many times) that in order for me to move on, and work on the relationship, I need a proper apology and for him to proactively deal with the problems rather than me having to push him. He has never been first to apologise, and never comes to me when I am upset, despite him knowing that what he has done is pretty bad. He has only ever apologised in defence, saying, “I have apologised, I am sorry, and I do mean it” (defensive tone) but has never volunteered to talk about, it or show any empathy, nor told me he is doing everything possible to put it right. I am finding it hard to carry on and do everyday things, never mind enjoy them.

He has done a few half-hearted things to put it right, such as downloading a self-help book, but not actually reading it… and only ever arranges the next counselling session after I have asked when it is (despite telling me that he has booked it but can’t remember what day for)… so a little bit of fib too.

This morning I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said, ‘stop telling me that I have refused to apologise, and stop wanting to talk about it everyday’. He also said that it would be pointless apologising now as I would say that he is only doing so because I have asked. He is now acting as though nothing has happened and has made me a drink. His way of apologising generally involves him bringing me food or a drink… but that’s it.

We seem to be in a vicious cycle of me being resentful, l and him not taking responsibility for what he did. I feel so emotionally shut out that it feels physically painful but he says he is hurt too. His justification for doing what he has done is because he isn’t happy in the relationship. But he was doing what he ‘did’ before we got together and me finding out is what caused the problems in our relationship (I feel). He has said that he knows that it is wrong, but has also said that it wasn’t a problem for his ex and that it wouldn’t be a problem if he was on his own. All of which seem to contradict…

I have tried to be supportive and suggested that he write me a letter if he didn’t feel he could talk about it. He says he doesn’t have anything more to say.

So my questions are this, is this… is this narcissistic behaviour? I feel like he is minimising. I know I am an over-analyser and I know I am never gonna get what I need in this situation, so why am I staying, is there something wrong with me? Do I need to change myself and accept I will never get an apology? Or are there men out there who don’t cause you to free-fall into self-destructive anxiety? Should I just walk away because it is broken? Or is it me that has caused it all am I just a nightmare to be with, am I the narc?

No DC yet… thank you for reading

It's a long post but without knowing what he's done, how bad it is, it could be either of you. But as it stands you don't sound compatible. You want him to do something he obvious feels he doesn't want to do, and keep pushing it. He feels you're pushing him and has done what's needed. Whatever the reason, it looks like it over, there's no children, probably time for you to both cut your losses.

Without knowing what he supposedly did, it's hard to say really

Should I just walk away because it is broken?

Seems that way. Twice he has done dealbreaking things. Run now before you do have kids with him.

It all depends what he's done. The fact that nobody else would find it a dealbreaker is interesting but doesn't tell us much as we don't know those people either. He could be cutting his toenails in the living room or he could be having sex with you when you're asleep. Which level are you talking about?

Imperial Sorry, I should have made it clearer... when I posted before about what happened - everyone who responded here thought it was a dealbreaker. I have only talked about it in real life with one friend and she thought so too. So I know that this is the end but I guess it doesn't make this any easier.

I don't know why I can't walk away - I won't talk about it - like other posters have said he probably doesn't care enough. I guess that's why I feel the need to 'brain dump' it all here.

I might arrange to speak with a counsellor myself.

sorry he won't talk about it...

Sorry you've been so hurt, egg. It sounds like you have trouble truly imagining leaving him. The fact that you seem caught in his orbit permanently even though he has twice deeply hurt you, and also that you seem to be relying a lot of what mumsnet's verdict was last time as well as the objectivity of the friend you told, suggests you tend to look outside yourself for solidity and decision making. This may be your issue more even than his obvious childishness and lazy attitude to your relationship.

I think it's unhelpful for you to withhold information here, even though I can understand you don't want it to distract from what the real issue is here, resolution and resentment. I think you should go to counselling with him. I would also recommend you both reading, 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner. That's a hugely impactful work for people caught in a resentment trap hopefully leading you to understand that what you need is to adopt a position on behalf o yourself. I think you are afraid of action and look for perspectives outside your own as if you could amass enough information and then the answer would become 'clear'. Relationships do not operate like that.

Don't be distracted by labels like narcissistic. You are looking for a diagnosis of the situation, whereas what you need is to act on your anger in a clear and reasonable manner. The book I suggested will help you do that. Please don't let this resentment fester, it is literally a waste of your time.

BloodontheTracks - Yes that is me completely - 'caught in his orbit permanently'. It was the same when my last ex behaved badly too... I couldn't walk away even though I knew it was horrific. I become forensic in my attempt to figure out what happened any why.

I have actually heard of this book before. I will take a look today, thank you.

It feels a bit beyond us getting help together - but I guess that shows me that I know it is over even if I have not managed to do anything about it.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Anger is actually an emotion evolved specifically to get us to act. I'm not saying you should leave him. You are. You are literally saying your relationship is beyond help. You need to start listening to yourself. It is extremely rare that people leave relationships feeling the way that you describe and then regret it. But plenty regret staying in a relationship they know is over.

Please do read that book, and also take a look at the final chapter of 'TOO GOOD TO LEAVE TOO BAD TO STAY' which makes the idea of leaving seem much more possible. But don't wallow in amassing information. Recognise what's going on and then adopt your position about it. You do not need permission to leave this relationship, or to make demands on it. You do not need permission from us, or from him. Crucially, he is NEVER going to give you permission. That's not how it works. You do not need to be able to label the relationship, or him, as this, that or the other in order to reject it. He has told you he is not happy in the relationship. You clearly aren't. And you are unable to communicate effectively enough to change that. Anything you do a this point will have to produce a better situation, since this is the worst possible.