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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I not seeing the real picture

24 replies

girl84 · 26/09/2015 21:05

Hi,

I just need some advice as when I discussed this with my friend she didn't know what to say.

My husband and I have a child together. My parents care for him when we are at work and my mother in law has him one day. It always feels my husband is trying to please her. He even said he was going to change his hours at work so she saw our child. .this would mean being around less at home to help me.

My parents have moved in on the next street. .we do not see them anymore,they do not drop in and my husband probably sees them once per week for around 15 minutes. He told me they ruined his life when they moved in and makes comments under his breath about this on a regular basis to me.

My husband sometimes is moody/doesn't talk to me or our child much and will make it obvious my sighing loud and generally pulling his face.

He said our son sees them more than his parents,although he will often take days off when his mother is off so she can see our son. Also when I return from work I see her driving off from our house.

He has again barely spoke to me this weekend and said it is my parents fault for moving in and that they are disrespectful towards him because of this.

I have told him I understand he is upset but that we have our family and one life. I feel he needs to accept they live locally and have reassured him that he does not see them any more.

I strongly feel I have an ongoing battle regarding his family as for example if my day off from work falls on the day his mother has our child,he physically looks disappointed,sighs and would prefer him to be with his mother than me. I feel he always tries to please her. If we are invited to am event with his parents and already have plans he won't tell them we cannot go. I end up telling them when they see me and ask.

Anyway. ..enough rambling. .where can I go from here as I feel if he carries on oir family will fall apart. Advice please.x

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 26/09/2015 21:14

Sounds like each of you have a rather intense relationship with your respective sets of parents? Your parents literally moved to your street, and have apparently done something (or things) that make your husband feel slighted, yet you are not backing him up on this.

Meanwhile, he has his own very intense relationship with his mother and seems to be edging you out of a cozy relationship between him, her, and your child, so he's not backing you up either.

It doesn't sound like either of you behave as a partner to one another when your parents are on the scene.

Do you think that's the case? There's a lot missing from your post, such as why and how you agreed for your parents to move to your street, and what it is they have done to make your husband feel so excluded by them.

Original poster

girl84 · 26/09/2015 21:30

When my parents said they were moving my husband said he was not happy about it. I wasn't too bothered if I'm honest as I knew I wouldn't see them any more and in terms of child care it would be more practical.

My husband said we were no longer in the middle of both families and mine were closer.

I don't feel mine and my parents have a intense relationship,we are all quite laid back. My mum n dad said they would sit down with us and discuss my husband issue with where they were living but he didn't want to..

I'm trying to support my husband and reassured him about it all...but he keeps saying they should not live there. There is nothing I am aware of other than their location that 'he hates'.

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 26/09/2015 21:37

He sounds hard work, OP. And not a nice person.

RiceCrispieTreats · 26/09/2015 21:39

So, since you knew that your husband was not comfortable having his in-laws on the same street, why did you not come to a common agreement with him, and put that to your parents? Why did you think it was fine for their desire to trump his?

It seems he is guilty of the same vis-a-vis his mother, but take a look at whether you have been a supportive partner to him, too.

"Reassuring" him that his concerns are meaningless (because they were meaningless to you) is not being "supportive" at all. In fact it's quite dismissive and I can understand that he is upset.

He is acting out his resentment in petty ways, perhaps. But I think he has cause to be upset at you over your handling of this.

Penfold007 · 26/09/2015 21:40

Is he prepared to pay for alternative child care?

RandomMess · 26/09/2015 21:45

Is his problem that he doesn't want your parents looking after DC?

ToTheGups · 26/09/2015 21:46

RiceCrispie the OP can't tell her parents, grown adults, where they can or can't live!

RiceCrispieTreats · 26/09/2015 21:53

She can say she and her husband don't wish them to move to their street. They are then free to disregard that, of course. But I fail to see husband and wife acting as a team here.

ToTheGups · 26/09/2015 21:55

Fair enough. I would imagine her parents would be hurt to hear that.

RiceCrispieTreats · 26/09/2015 21:56

And the result is now a hurt and resentful husband, it seems.

Husbands and wives should have each other's backs, for the marriage to work, I think.

Mabelface · 26/09/2015 21:59

They're in the next Street, not the same Street and your husband sounds like an arse.

Namechanger2015 · 26/09/2015 22:04

Op your H sounds like a nightmare, tallying up contact time with his family vs yours. Your parents have every right to live where they want to, and even if you had been crazy enough to suggest to them they don't move, your H cannot take it out on you or get angry at you for something that was not your decision.

It sounds like he wants the marriage to be about him and his family only, and yours should not be involved at all. I don't think you need to back him up at all if you don't have a problem with them living there.

Do your parents take care of your DS at all? Do they have a relationship with their grandson?

Namechanger2015 · 26/09/2015 22:07

They're in the next Street, not the same Street and your husband sounds like an arse.

^ madlizzy said it much better than me!

Mermaidhair · 27/09/2015 04:10

Your dh sounds strange. It doesn't sound like a nice way to live. Have your parents done anything to upset him? Does he have a weird relationship with his own dm?

sykadelic · 27/09/2015 05:46

So, in short, your husband, an adult, is upset that your parents, also adults, made a decision about their own lives, without discussing it with him first.

What I actually think is going on is his parents/mother are the ones giving him grief and that he just doesn't tell you. Would explain why he's taking time off so she can spend more time with your son, why he's so irrationally bothered by them moving closer and the risk of them visiting more often... It's probably made his life harder so he's taking it out on you.

IMO what needs to happen is he needs to realise you're not the enemy and realise that yelling at you about it doesn't change anything. He needs to stop being irrational because where your parents live is not his business (would he also be upset if they moved FURTHER away?? Then it wouldn't be halfway either) and it has had no impact on his/your life. He's being completely irrational and rude to your parents for no reason.

ProjectPerfect · 27/09/2015 05:54

Have I understood correctly that your parents do the majority of childcare and your husband behaves so badly towards them that they no longer drop in for social reasons?

I'm going to assume you don't pay them for childcare? Although regardless your husband is an arse.

janaus · 27/09/2015 06:16

So sad that you don't get to see your family except for childcare. I feel so sorry for them. Your husband is being unreasonable.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/09/2015 06:30

Are your parents fairly pushy, may I ask? Did their (perceived) disrespect for your DH predate their move? In short, is there any apparent good reason other than, well, they're in-laws innit, why he should have a problem with them living nearby?

RiceCrispieTreats · 27/09/2015 07:56

OP, you ask if you are not seeing the whole picture. A good exercise might be to try to put yourself in your husband's shoes, and try to understand what his perspective might be.

If he was writing here instead of you, I wonder if it might sound something like:

"My home life isn't what I want it to be. Ever since we had DC, the grandparents waded in, and that has caused a rift between me and DW.

I find my in-laws interfering. I mean, they actually moved house in order to be right on top of us! I told DW I wasn't happy with it when the idea was first mooted, but she just waved my concerns away. Now they're here and I hate it. I mean, free childcare is great, but it's the fact that I was just ignored that smarts: she showed that she is more loyal to them than to me. I thought we were a team.

To make matters worse, my own mother, who is pretty pushy herself, goes on at me about how much she sees DC compared to the other grandparents now. So that free childcare is now a pretty poisoned gift, because I now feel I have to take days off work to facilitate contact between DC and my mum in order to keep the peace. I'm stuck between a wife who's siding with her parents rather than me, and a mum who's point-scoring. I hate this entire situation and I wish my in-laws had never moved here."

LockedBox · 27/09/2015 08:16

My reply to that would be "here's a grip, use it"

I simply cannot see for the life of me what the OP was meant to do to prevent her fully grown human parents from moving house.

OP doesn't mention if her MIL goes on at her DH, and even if she does he should ignore that shit, like an adult, and get on with it. He sounds like a big baby.

ProjectPerfect · 27/09/2015 17:17

Mine too lockedbox - just imagine the fall of the OPs parents moving nearer to facilitate childcare

RiceCrispieTreats · 28/09/2015 14:06

Ha ha - perhaps, but telling someone to get a grip does not resolve an argument, tempting as it may be to say sometimes. Trying to understand the other person's point of view stands a better chance.

On the point about the parents being free to move house: While it's not possible to stop them, it's entirely possible for OP to have said "We'd rather you didn't," if indeed that had been the couple's joint position, and then to let the chips fall where they may. Setting boundaries means stating your position, clearly and openly. You can never prevent people from doing whatever they choose to do, but you can make it clear where you stand. And if you're married, where you stand should ideally be with your spouse - after conferring if need be.

In this situation, there was no joint position, and there still isn't. OP and her husband are working against each other rather than with each other, which is why I think it's important for them to really listen to each other, and try to understand each other's pov, and then decide how they are going to act as a team.

MeeWhoo · 28/09/2015 14:20

This keeping tabs on which grandparents see the child more often is ridiculous. Unless you are cancelling on one set od GPs to see the other set, or are never available when they want to visit, etc. It's just goona be a fact of life that people who live closer to each other have more opportunities for meeting.
A grandchild is not a timeshare property to be divided 50/50. By that same token I should go back to work and put my children in childcare even though it doesn't make sense practically or financially just so that I see the children the same amount of hours as DH each week.

molyholy · 28/09/2015 14:28

I agree with a PP who has said his mum is probably having a moan to him and he is taking it out on you/your parents.

I live on the next street to my ILs and my mum lives in another town. We probably see my ILs more than my mum, but that is because they live round the corner! They do not interfere in our lives.

Your H sound stressed out about something that he need not be. He sounds like a bit of a pain tbh and if he has made his feelings known to your parents, who look after your child for free, well, I feel sorry for your parents. How hurtful. If my H talked about my mum in those terms, I would tear him a new one.

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