your opinions on standards

[lorelei9]

a weird one

(having a hungover Saturday AM so just pondering)

I am in the camp that I don't want another relationship. I was out with a friend last night and she really does want a relationship. I was concerned to hear her express the view that "perhaps it's time I lowered my standards".

I was thinking about standards generally after reading some of the threads on here about dating. When I was dating, I considered basic common sense, social graces and the ability to be an adult and look after yourself as utter baseline. I have noticed (as has she with our friends and their online dating) that a lot of people are dating people who can't organise their homes, finances, turn up on time etc.

there's no way I would have changed that baseline and I feel slightly sad that she is considering it. I just wondered what everyone else thought. I don't expect people to be perfect but I do think there's a basic level of...adulthood?...that has to be met.

I am starting to wonder if people just drop those standards to get in relationships? Be interested in your thoughts. Admit freely I am probably being a bit overprotective!

Nobody is going to be 100% perfect

I think that everyone should stick to their standards or "wish list"
I think that this helps to find a better long term match

Some people do not like being single. So I can sort of understand that they are looking for someone

Also in life you never know who you are going to meet & what they will bring into your life

A little bit of compromise helps

tunnock, your reply made me realise I missed out something quite important (blaming the cocktails, sorry)

I should have said, I know people who dropped those standards and found themselves in unhappy relationships looking after adults who couldn't look after themselves. This is why I was pondering it. If it's a compromise between someone being messy when you are tidy, that's one thing, but I usually think "lower standards" is a very different statement than "compromise".

bump

You haven't said what your friends standards are?! She might be talking about how good looking the guy is, or whether he drives a cool car (yes some people care about that stuff).

In the past I dropped my standards, and those were the exact things that drove me mad and caused the breakdown of the relationship. So if something is important to you then I really don't think you should let it go.
In my case one of the things was not having a car, and I spent the entire relationship ferrying him about - not in daily life ie work but I was always the designated driver and holidays had to be those that didn't require driving or I'd never get a break. This wasn't the only reason it didn't work out but it drove me batshit and it's a relatively small thing!

her standards are the things I outlined in my OP - social graces, being able to run a home and finances. I just think compromising on those things means ending up with a manchild.

she really doesn't mean stuff like looks, cars, job status - it would be irrelevant if he were in retail or gardening or banking. That's what worries me. I feel like she is thinking to drop standards that should be basic (alongside being a decent human being, but I think that's an obvious one).

She dumped her last boyfriend because frankly he was a needy idiot who seemed incapable of doing things like turning up on time, never understood why or how he had overspent etc. What a numpty. I would hate for "lowering standards" to mean that she'd go out with someone like this.

this was a couple of years ago and I know she's been lonely, did some online dating and met some "no social graces" types...so now it looks like she might stick with one of those. I don't know, it made me sad - and worried.

There's standards (good) and unrealistic expectations (bad.)

I'd expect a partner to be decent, be able to run his life, work as a team etc. To me these are basic 'adult' stuff - of course there may be times when one of you is unable to do things due to illness etc, but being able to function as an adult is non negotiable.
So many threads on here show you what happens when men can't/won't behave as adults - not willing to share childcare, chores, basically man children.

Unrealistic expectations are another matter. I did used to have a housemate at uni who said she'd never date a man who didn't manicure his nails... That kind of thing is restricting your pool a little ;)

thanks Skipton, that's exactly it. I think it's a real danger to compromise on these things because they are so basic...and I also think there's a type of person who looks for a "parent partner" and the nightmares that result just aren't worth it.

We've seen it in our social circle, which is partly why I'm surprised that she'd consider lowering those basic standards.

I suppose I can't do anything but keep an eye and offer support.

PS actually I was reminded of the thing in Sex and the City where Miranda said that Steve - the barman - as a barman with no place of his own to live in was considered a catch purely because he was a single man.

I think that there is an element of that - sorry to say it because I've known women who can't look after themselves either - but when I look at her, I think - lovely person, intelligent, successful, very attractive - and yet she's having to consider lowering the most basic of standards to meet someone?

What exactly constitutes "basic social graces", "an organized home" and so forth? There's a lot of room to disagree on how high a standard of social graces or housekeeping would be required. Not to mention that those things are going to vary from culture to culture- social graces are very class-dependent and of course are different in different cultures.

Labeling people who have different standards for how organized a home should be as not able to take care of themselves isn't particularly helpful. There really is disagreement on these standards, and calling someone childish for having different standards from yours strikes me as a little childish.

geekymommy - I don't think anyone has called anyone childish on this thread? There has been some reference to the manchilds that pop up on these threads, sure.

We're really talking basics here - for example, someone who won't talk all the way through the cinema, someone who hasn't got mould growing from their plates, someone who doesn't say "Can you loan me money because I forgot the leccy bill was coming".

People don't generally lower their standards. Their standards stay the same, they just decide they'd prefer to be miserable IN a relationship, than out of one.

People rarely discover that the things that bothered them suddenly don't bother them any more. And those things, while they might be swept under the rug for a while, will always come back to bite.

Yes, but the biological clock is a powerful motivator here and when it goes off, standards can and do fall. Not everyone finds Mr Right so what to do, particularly if that clock is ticking big time?

There lies the dilemma for most women who want children and can't find a decent man to love. I know several women who've ended up with men you wouldn't give the time of day to, but they wanted kids and were prepared to lower their sights accordingly. Out of these three couples, only one is still together. All have kids though.

I agree with palla. I knew a number of people in their mid 30s who had children with partners they really barely knew (6 month relationship etc) Most got through it ok. No one is perfect.

I have a few friends who used to say their partner had to have a great job, own home, high achieving etc etc- basically (some might say) an exceptional person. I did used to wonder what they were offering that would attract such a person? I adore my friends but they have their faults as we all do. But faults weren't really acceptable from
Potential Partners.

I personally believe it's not that hard to make a relationship work if you're decent people and want similar things.
People do Change, particularly if you met Young. If I told you what if supported DH through you wouldn't believe anyone would change the way he has. It's been quite a journey.

The thing is if to is agree on fundamentals, whether it's manners, what you consider important in life, independence, how to deal with finances or whatever, the relationship will not work out or it will be miserable.
I agree that you can't lower your standard on these basic things.
You can(and should) be mindful about excessive expectations but none of what you are talking about seem excessive to me.
But more importantly it clearly is something important to her and as such she shouldn't act as if these 'standards' didn't exist.

A wise friend told me to write down the 20 things I most wanted in a relationship. Then whittle it down to 5 deal breakers and stick to that. I think mine were

• taller than me
• financially in good shape
• wants the same things out of life
• kind
• can comfortably go for a pint with my Dad.

Reader, I married him!

He is a scruffy bastard, perpetually 3 minutes late for everything, can't cook and fidgets constantly. But 12 years and 3 kids later, we are fine.

Looking for Mr Right.
Avoiding Mr Wrong.
Maybe settle for Mr Compromise.

I would guess she's looking for someone to have kids with rather than just a husband.