Great friends but not lovers - don't know what to do

[Terrifiedandregretful]

Dp and I have been together 12 yeRs and have a toddler dd. We get on brilliantly. I am more comfortable with him than with anyone else on earth. We talk, hug, laugh, put the world to rights, dote on dd. But I've never been in love with him (I love him dearly) and I struggle to fancy him enough. I know I should have split up with him years ago, and I always considered it. But he was so lovely and I saw and heard of so many terrible bfs I told myself I was being silly to trade in a wonderful man for a dream.
Now we have a dd and so much more to lose, I realise what an idiot I was. But but but... We have a good life. Would I be the same idiot to stay together now? He is the best dad. It's not like I could do all the 20 something stuff I missed out on now anyway. Maybe I just met him too soon? I'd love to have what we have plus 'in love' and sex (we have maybe a couple of times a year now). But is it worth trading it all in in the vain hope of that coming along? I saw on here someone saying they knew it ws time to divorce when the need to not see him every day outstripped the need to see the dc everyday. This would never happen to me. I love seeing him every day.

We've talked about an open relationship but we're both pretty lacking in confidence and exhausted working full time with a toddler, so not sure how anything would ever happen.

We both have pretty low self esteem. There have been other men I felt for over the years but I always turned them down, now I regret that. We've both cheated on each other in a drunken snog way. Not for years now. To be honest I think that enabled us to stay together. Now with toddler dd no time for all that so feeling the lack of sexual excitement more. But I wouldn't have time or energy for thAt if we split anyway.

I have OCD relating to decision (I can be awake all night deciding which side to lie on!) which I think us another reason this decision is still not made 12 years in. What a mess. My poor dd I want to do what is best for her. But can't work out what it is. I'm sorry I'm sure I sound a complete idiot. I'd love to hear from people who might have been in similar situations and what they did.

Deal with your low self esteem ...seek out a good psychotherapist / counsellor. ..know your self better , be more accepting of yourself , work out who you are what you want out of life ...then decide

And for goodness sake !!!!sex twice a year that's rubbish don't stand for it ! sort that out now ...talk to him ..sex is like glue in a relationship ( my view) it's intimacy , closeness, shared loving .

A different man is not the answer right now , and won't sort out your head

Thank you. I feel weary because I've had so much counselling and therapy already. But I am looking into starting again.

We tried to have sex last night but it's reached a point where it just feels all wrong. We just cuddled and chatted instead. We were at a wedding last weekend which always gets to me hence me posting now. We were engaged but I called that off so we're now in limbo.

Oh dear :-(. poor you good luck don't give up.with the counselling get a better more demanding one ..you need to get this sorted
Have you tried medication for depression spk to you GP maybe

If you don't love the guy I don't think any amount of therapy is going to change how you feel.From what you've said you neither fancy him or love him.

In my experience when you stay with someone you're not in love with it eats away at the core of your being it doesn't get better.

I don't think seeing someone else is the answer you need to sort out this relationship first.

What would put a spark in your marriage? A night away somewhere nice? Romantic evening at home with nice food, wine, candles?
If nothing then you need to decide whether a platonic relationship is better than nothing.
The 'in love' bit often dwindles but I believe respect and love continue regardless.
If you're both tired and stressed then it's hardly surprising sex goes out the door.
Many people have sexless (or feel sex isn't important but closeness is) marriages and it works fine for them, it's when it doesn't that tough decisions need to be made.

Maybe you need focus on making the changes in your life that you need to.make.
Can the therapy help you do this

You sound very down on yourself and depressed ..have you recognised that

More therapy isn't going to make you fall in love with him or want to have sex with him after this length of time.

So you have to decide if you can live this way. You could split up and never meet anyone so I don't think you should end it in the vague hope you will meet the love of your life. I think I would only leave if I couldn't bear being with him any longer. I did reach that stage with ex and am happier alone.

I've suffered from the most debilitating depressions ive not realised at the time hoe bad I was ..This time last year it was horrific ...but now it's lifted I can look back and see how bad it was ..I actually like my husband again it's such a relief

I couldn't connect, nearly had an affair I was deeply unhappy .
I've had female therapists who I couldn't talk to...now ive got a bloke ( I don't know why that makes difference ) but anyway he's really tough on me I cry every session ..I'm saying stuff out loud I wouldn't dream of saying in my every day life

There's more but I won't bore you ...my story may not match yours but it maybe it will help you ..
You can be happy ...

I'm not saying stay with your husband either you don't have to

Sorry I completely lost this thread, couldn't find it anywhere! In a rush now but will read and respond later. Sorry to be rude

Thank you everyone I'm sorry for disappearing; I have discovered the 'threads I am on' button which will change my mn life!
It's very helpful to hear your thoughts. I have realised through my last bout of therapy how down I am on myself. I do think I'm awful and would be better off dead, if I'm brutally honest. Dp copes very well with my issues, which is a reason I stayed. Which makes me sound even more awful.
I do feel this is eating away at me as a pp mentioned. We've been to sex therapy and we've tried so hard to make it work but the spark just isn't there for me. And I've killed it for him. But every morning I wake at 4.30am and get into a panic and his arms around me are what keeps me sane...
Plan is: actually DO cbt stuff from previous therapist to help with mental health and self esteem.
Get a new therapist
Re - evaluate after 6 months what I want.... (Not that I've ever made a resolution like that before!)

I don't think anyone can have a good relationship when they are in a mess themselves. I think you need to work on your own issues first. If you ditch the relationship which you say keeps you sane, you may be in a worse place. Get yourself sorted. People are only happy when their reality matches their expectations. People who have realistic expectations are happy with their lot. I used to feel that I should be this and that, and life should be a certain way for me. Now I am happy to have a home, sufficient money to live, good health, friends, family and a comfortable bed! Make the most of what you have, don't hanker after what everyone else has. Concentrate on the basics of life, one day at a time. Enjoy the little things in life. I get a real lift from things like, ten minutes in the garden on a sunny day with the sun on my face, an almond croissant for breakfast, a walk by the lake with my dog, watching the heron wade in the water. Small steps, little things make a difference to how we feel. We all have our wilderness years. We all have periods where we are stuck. But they do pass. We can help ourselves get over them. Have you got any friends who are positive and sensible. Surround yourself with positive people. Learn to live in the moment. You can do this. Step by step you can go a very long way! Nothing is good or bad, it is only how we decide to think about it that makes it so. Get in control of your thoughts and refuse to go down the negative thought paths. You seem to have a lot of good things in your life that others would love to have. A man who loves and cares for you and a lovely child. Focus on the good things you have. Good luck and I wish you well.

Thank you marzipan