An Open Letter, to my DH. I feel starved of love and it's killing me.

[Whereyourtreasureis]

Why don't you really want me now?
If there's problem's i don't know, you know i would talk and be understanding; I love you and I would.

We've had talks, discussions, heart to hearts before now, and you've made an 'effort to try and get things back', with me for 2 years now.

We have great times and get things back on track. Then it goes again and I'm drained.

Maybe we aren't just incompatible anymore now, and that scares me.

I'd like more affection and closeness from you. More to feel like I'm not just being a pain at times by wanting to be wanted It would be nice to be held by you, because you want to, not because i know you think you should.
I'm drained with feeling Past It, and like i'm not worth the effort any more now.

We used to so fucking close, and I've tried much to keep things like that.

On a good day, I actually think can look better now than I did at the start of our Relationship. I've Lost 2stone, and if we're being honest, you've put on 3st since we got together, you know.
So why am I the one who's 'let things slide' and feels inadequate?? I make the effort, and have tried hard to improve what i wear, do my hair, and not let the 'best years' slip by before i know it. I do try to make the best of myself even if you don't notice

I miss when we first met, when you didn't remember to pack your bed when you moved into the new house. We slept the floor, and for 6 months we still kissed then. We didn't stop, and tore at eachother. And still want you the same as I did then. I love you, i fancy you. I don't expect things to be the same as the first part of a relationship we'd be a mess these days haha but it would still be good, to have a bit of what we used to. You just seem to have switched off.

Why do I feel so fucking useless at times? I just miss being feeling like I'm wanted by you anymore.
I miss being kissed, properly. If I had the choice, between being kissed like you used to kiss me, and having sex now, I would just want you to kiss me.

Kissing someone that you love, shouldn't ONLY happen when you're having sex!

I think of the day we first got together, we were kissing and didn't stop to talk, and actually rolled in mess on the fucking town centre floor, we didn't let go of eachother. We were a happy, stupid mess and it was something I'll remember forever

I know you love me, i know that, and I doubt that for a minute. But it's not enough. I can't cope that you don't really want me now, when I still want you.
I still want to be held, and kissed and loved, and feel wanted, and feel like what I want still matters. It's fucking destroying me to know, the only times I'll ever be kissed by you with any love anymore, is when we have sex. And that happens less and less. You've stonewalled me, yet say you don't want the relationship to end.

You are a good, a kind hearted, and beautiful man. I love every bit of you. I can't see my life without you in it.
I don't want, or expect, a 5 times a day uncontrollable sex obsession.
I just want to know that this isn't how it will always be.
We argue, I sound out of order, I cry that you Don't want me anymore.
Then you have to in my mind, 'bring yourself' to have sex with me a while later, to 'end' the upset. There's nothing more upsetting than pity sex.

The more I think and think and think and think and think and think it isn't mainly a sex issue. I've lived without sex for 2yrs before as you know, and was quite happy doing that at the time.

Now, I'm with somebody I love with all my heart who doesn't seem to want me anymore.
That's harder to live with.

I have said many times, if you aren't happy then please don't stay with me. I am not a Bitch, I would never make things awkward or punishing with the house, finances, children, families, or life. I want you to be happy, but I want to be happy too.

I need more affection than you're giving me, because the only physical
closeness you show me now is when we do have sex.
I could scream.

So I say to you, "We aren't close enough anymore".

I need more love when I have my clothes on, and to feel loved when I am at my most undressed.
I just want you to feel for me, what I do for you.

I'm really sorry of this kind of post isn't allowed here since it doesn't actually have a question. MNHQ just delete if it isn't ok. My head is just a mess and I don't know what to do to make things right

Send it to your DH where then arrange to go for a long walk together and talk.

I've got no useful advice but that's so heartfelt I couldn't ignore it.

I think you should show your H and see where that takes you. And if you don't get the response you need, I think you should do whatever you feel you need to do in order to keep your emotional wellbeing.

Good luck.

where I could have written your letter almost word for word except that in my case I am not sure that my h is a good, a kind hearted, and beautiful man. He has good and kind elements but can also be emotionally abusive like the other day when he flew into a rage over something totally innocuous that I had done and didn't care that I had tears rolling down my face

I think you should definitely give your husband the letter in order to then be able to talk to him about the issue? Would he talk? I find mine impossible to talk to sadly. It always seems to lead to an argument and me being upset. If it weren't for the dc I would have walked I think as though we are fairly companionable in one sense, life without sex (or with very little sex), affection and the feeling of being desired is not only soul destroying but really boring as well. I feel past it too but is it normal to feel that way at 46, or at any age?

Wow, just wow. what a beautifully written perfect expression of love and sadness. I honestly e things work out for you.

Makes me feel so sad, but hopeful.

Thank you to you all taking time to answer; in a way i actually feel a bit better to know that at least someone knows how I feel. I wasn't sure if I did the right thing to write it, but I'm like a pressure cooker just bubbling under with everything I want to say, but just can't get the right words out when I try to speak them out loud. I started writing that and just couldn't stop once I did.

Scots and pounded you're both right, I know I need to give it to him I don't think I'm ready for that just yet though, because it won't be an easy atmosphere when I do.

Joysmum thank you, and janaus I hope it does too, preferably sooner rather than later! I'm hopeful, but don't expect that this will be easy to fix.
I'm going to try though

don'tknowhow I'm really sorry that you are in this situation I understand what you mean when you say, I find mine impossible to talk to sadly. It always seems to lead to an argument and me being upset.
I have that too, a more personal talk always seems to make him very defensive, even though I am not on the attack. So he feels awkward, and tries to derail the talk by turning it on me.
It does lead to sadness and frustration. I wonder if perhaps you would benefit from doing what I have done, and writing down exactly how you feel and give it to him, then leave the house for an hour or two, so he can read and process just how he is making you feel? He can't argue back with a piece of paper

life without sex (or with very little sex), affection and the feeling of being desired is not only soul destroying but really boring as well. Yes, it is. Both soul destroying and boring, I know.

I really hope things work out for you, too

moving stuff, the problem is I feel my Dh could have written this to me and hence have a lump in my throat. The problem is after quite a few years of some very twatty behaviour, wanting our teen son thrown out at times because of his bad behaviour, jekyll and hyde screaming match stuff if I didnt agree with him about something, swearing and using bad language (c word) on "inanimate stuff that goes wrong like phones and computer and insisting on living a life over and above what was really affordable seems to have blunted my sense of relating to him . he is also a kind, caring and pretty good looking guy who tells me he thinks I am amazing and beautiful (even though I am a couple of stone overweight) . We work together too which hasnt helped in a very stressful industry. Gordon Lightfoot in a famous song used the words "I dont know where we went wrong, but the feelings gone and I just cant get it back", applies to me to some extent. I wish I could just turn the clock back, have been way firmer with decisions in the past and be as affectionate to him as he would like me to be, but the stuff that has come before has stuck in my head and I am finding it hard to move on from that and at the moment Im paralysed by the dilemma of where do I go from here. We have had a fairly codependent relationship, because we have moved a lot, I know a lot of people but no longer really have any close friends and his best friend has moved abroad. he doesnt go out without me unless its a work related thing every now and then. I find myself thinking that i would actually prefer to be on my own and at least if miserable or broke, its my misery and brokeness to control ! Also I know my 17 year old would find this hard. They have a bit of a love/hate relationship. I think emotional stuff is harder in a way to move on from than someone who is physically abusive, as if that was the case I would just say "no way, sod off".

I don't get the impression that your H wants the same relationship with you, as you want with him and it really is futile waiting for him to change a situation that he isn't unhappy with. If your H is as you've described, then he knows of your unhappiness but it appears it isn't motivation enough for him to change.

Before you have yet another conversation with him about this, you really need have a conversation with yourself first, otherwise you fall back into the repetitious cycle of his temporary promises.

Where is your breaking point and how close are you prepared to get to it, before you decide to protect yourself?

You should definitely give your husband this letter. It sounds as though you have nothing to lose, and possibly everything to gain. If I received a letter like this, it would shock me into taking drastic action. Are you both working too much? Is there very little time? Perhaps you could book a week away somewhere, to try to relax and reconnect. Lack of sex is proven to lessen feelings of bonding, so if there's any way to step up your sex life, that would be very beneficial (without you feeling he's doing it because he has to!). You don't say how long you've been together and how old you are? Just wondering. Good luck x

Thank you again to everyone who took time to answer this, you have all helped me get a bit of clarity to this. Just to update, I gave DH the letter. Well, sent it by email because I was too embarrassed to hand it to him, and couldn't risk leaving it where DCs might see it and ask. He read it, and then didn't say anything for the night and avoided me. We went out for a walk the following day and had a talk about it I cried a lot. He said it genuinely isn't me. He feels self-conscious himself because he's put on weight, not me. And that he's finding it hard to actually make the move to be close to me, and the longer he's leaving, it the more difficult it gets. He knows I'm sad, and feels more pressured to act because he thinks I'll analyse why he's actually wanting to, when it's been so long, he thinks that I'll think, etc etc. So we've gone round in a giant circle. I told him that I genuinely love and fancy him as much as I always have and more, and the feeling of rejection is making me feel miserable. That it isn't just about sex, its about still feeling attractive and actually wanted, because as close as we are in other ways, I could get a House Share with one of my good friends and it would amount to about the same level of physical contact as we have now. It wasn't an argument, we actually got a lot said and it has made a difference. Early days, but at least now he knows exactly why I am in a sad cycle. Keeping optimistic now, that we can make steps to be closer again and more on the same page, like we used to be. Thank you again for keeping my optimism up that this will have a good outcome

ILiveAtTheBeach we are in our 30s, and have been together for 14 years. And we've done exactly that! DCs are going to their GP house this Friday until Sunday eve, and we've booked a little break away from home and going to have some quality time away, it's long overdue. No pressure or anything, it will just be nice to sleep in, enjoy a drink together and go to a concert we have booked as a treat