Tact for dealing with really needy friend?

[QforCucumber]

I've never really experienced this before, with my group of friends military planning is needed to get us all together even just once a month.

An old friend couple of DP's now live on the same street as us, and while they are lovely enough the woman of the couple has taken to inviting us to them, or even inviting themselves to our house every single weekend - Friday, Saturday and Sunday. If DP replies to a text saying we are going out for tea or something she responds asking where and says that they'll come too.
I mentioned my birthday a few weeks ago in front of her and she instantly asked when it was so she can make sure they are free. As soon as they notice both our cars in the drive she is either texting, ringing or even knocking at the door.
DP feels ignorant if he doesn't reply, and anyway, if he doesn't she will be at the door asking us what we are doing.
I'm pregnant and after a long week at work really just want my own time with my DP in our house without other people. It's starting to become a joke and cause rifts between DP and I as I just want her to leave us alone.

I can only assume as a couple they aren't happy or don't like just having each others company and need to be around others all the time. I just don't know how to get her to back off without hurting her feelings or snapping.
Any helpful advice on how to deal with this before demanding we move house would be most welcome.

Well, you could just say you're really tired and you're going to have a quiet evening / day / weekend at home, snoozing, reading and being boring.

How claustrophobic!!

How does your DP feel about it?

Because I couldn't deal with that and would basically have to cut them. I think its a total imposition and they need to learn to respect your boundaries.

But if your DP doesn't see a problem its tricky. Have you talked to him about this?

But I think you've got to draw a line, otherwise they are going to take over your life.

Good god. You must feel hunted in your own home.

Have they moved from somewhere where they had very close friends on their doorstep, always running in and out of each other's houses? If so, they may assume you are like this too and this is the way they integrate themselves into the neighbourhood.

Whatever the reason, you're going to have to start saying no. It may be uncomfortable but they may have no idea how imposing they are being and the longer it goes on, the more mortified they will be when they realise.

You have to just say 'we are having a quiet day at home, getting on with jobs' when they start texting and for your birthday 'we're going out just the two of us' or whatever. Firmly put these boundaries back in place.

My feeling is this is going to end up being a permanent rift in the relationship, which is sad but they are wanting something you can't give them. Can your DH have a word with the guy in the relationship? It sounds like it's the woman who has out-of-control neediness?

I think this may be a town/country thing -- I've spent most of my life in big cities and wouldn't dream of turning up unnanounced at someone's home, even a really close friend.

My STBXH on the other hand, who comes from a small town overseas, thinks this is absolutely bizarre as he has always come from a culture where neighbours pretty much live with you -- if someone drops in to borrow something its more or less obligatory to spend the entire day shooting the breeze with them.

I find it appallingly stifling while he thinks I'm reserved and cold.

It's horses for courses but whatever your approach, you have a right to decide who comes in your home and when. They may be old friends but that doesn't give them to right to decide what you with your spare time.

I'd put your foot down now, gently but firmly, in order to avoid a more painful row down the line.

Just because someone has sent a text, it doesn't mean you have to answer within 5 milliseconds, so delay the replies first of all - it's not rude. If the neighbour comes around don't answer the door, or answer with muzzed up hair and bare shoulders and say you're having wild sex on the kitchen table.

But seriously, you will have to be blunt, some people just wont take the hint - 'I'm sorry can't meet up this weekend - we're knackered' and repeat. If she asks when - 'Not sure - feeling so rough with baby on the way. Goodnight'. Be brave

It looks like she has no boundaries. Maybe give her a next meeting date explaining that you are not free before and that you make the decision to keep time for essential self care time. You can also explain the constraint of your timetable. Having a date in her diary might help her to feel more secure.
She is no threat to you, just a bit too demanding and boundaries are needed! Good luck!

Thanks all, DP laughs and says I'm lucky to not have friends like that and this is what people are like (I know they're not!) And if they were I'd choose not to have them as my friends. You're right it is very stifling and claustrophobic.
tri it is very much her, I know from what dp has said about them that her dh isn't allowed to the pub or anything without her and they don't do anything separately she's very much in control of what they do.
I do like the idea of saying we aren't free until X date and arranging something like that, then maybe she will get a bit of a hint. I don't see her as a threat to me - more just one hell of an annoyance I just wasn't sure if I was being selfish and antisocial or not.

You're not being selfish OP, I've been in your shoes. Friends like this can be draining and stressful . We had one like this. Turning up unannounced at any time and staying for hours. The final straw was when I was pregnant and I couldn't deal with it anymore. DP sent him a straight to the point / polite text saying it can't go on as Wer about to have a big change in our life.

People like this don't take hints, you need to be straight with them. Don't feel guilty, you're entitled to peace and quiet in your own home with no bother.

We've had a couple of blissful years and I learned to like the friend again but the frequent visits are starting up again

You need your DP on your side. Mine always made excuses for the friend (not anymore)

Sorry I'm rambling here. Ignore texts and the doorbell. Just say 'we're busy , we'lol catch up another time'

But these are his friends, aren't they? And they're annoying the crap out of him too, so why is this your problem to deal with?

That would drive me mad - you need to say something.

Say 'no' politely, with a smile and a firm tone.

You are not obliged to explain why you have declined.

Stop giving them information about your lives.

You need to put your foot down about this now because you are not going to want someone popping in all the time when you have a newborn.

Practice some phrases:

(With a big smile)
Sorry we can't make it.
No we're having a quiet night in.
No we've planned a romantic dinner for two.
I'm tired I need some peace with my feet up.
Lovely to see you, sorry I can't chat I have things to be getting on with just now.

I don't think she's needy I think she's unhinged.

Steer well clear think about moving house

"I'm pregnant and after a long week at work really just want my own time with my DP in our house without other people."
Just say that to her - excepting the 'pregnant', because I'd bet good money she'd use that as an excuse to come round and 'look after you' .

Practice in the mirror - 'It's been a long week at work, I'm tired and I just want to relax at home with DP and catch up on stuff. Have a lovely weekend yourselves, speak to you soon.' And close the door on her.

You're not being anti social or difficult!! You just want to relax at home with your DP! I think telling her you'll see her on x date and keeping to that date if you can and sticking to your own boundaries will work. They're way too much!! You need time to just be after work pregnant or not! Being pregnant you need more relaxation time. All the best.

Remember, she can't come into your house unless you let her. Answering the door doesn't mean she gets to come in. Body language is key - you occupy the whole doorway, as if she were a cold caller, you are polite, 'busy at the moment, see you another time' and bam. Door closes. Likewise when she says 'Ooh where are you going, we'll join you' you don't tell her. 'Just the two of us', smile, closure. You'll get the hang of it with practice! Rehearse some 'closure lines' and deliver them!

If she can't see for herself that you're pregnant and need some down time , then she's one of those people who don't get hints. You or dp are going to have to be a little distant intentionally. Next time you see her mention some place you went to. When she asks why no invite , look confused as in 'why would you expect an invite' . Your expression would tell her.

I wouldn't even mind if it was every now and then but the fact it's 3 days a week, every single week. it just seems so much. I used to like her, now I'm feeling angry and a major dislike towards her - which is reflecting badly on dp and I because I think I'm blaming him somehow just for being friends with them.
Even tonight dp got a text saying I see you're home what are you doing? I wanted to scream go away down the street (I didn't)
Its so strange for me, this desperate need which seems to radiate - never experienced it before, thanks for all your useful advice. Pregnancy hormones are making me want to just send a blunt text saying we have a life which you're not involved in, leave us alone haha.

Just don't reply to the texts.

It's crazy making isn't it!
I've had similar.

Don't make excuses, tell the truth 'I don't feel like it' 'I don't want to' 'we're staying in' if they offer to come over say 'no, I don't feel like company'
You are allowed to be on your own if you want! If they get uppity and avoid you, it's a blessing.

Win/win.

I'd start answering the door naked or letting them catch you mid shag. Gentle hints won't work with these people.

Say something about how you need some down time as you're knackered, but you'll see them next weekend.

But don't be nasty, that's unkind and she sounds harmless.

She could just be a massive extrovert with a very different mode of functioning to yours and a puppy-ish approach to companionship. Or very neurotic.

Either way, I think assertiveness is key: state your position, and don't excuse or justify it. Your decision for how you choose to spend your time is enough on its own, and is not up for scrutiny:

• "Hi X, I need peace and quiet and an early night tonight. Have a nice evening, goodbye!".
• "I'm planning to spend my birthday with just DH, we're not making a party of it."
• "I'm not available this weekend." "Oh, what are you doing?" "It's a full schedule, and when I'm not running around I'm going to want to be home alone resting."

A good rule of thumb is to stick to "I" statements: I want/need/choose to do this, I don't want/need/choose to do that.

Well what i would do if its your dp who doesnt mind.Is let him answer the door every single time.I bet it would soon stop then if it was him.He probably thinks you are over reacting and they are not knocking,ringing,texting every 5 minutes.So let him deal wiht it.