DP wants us to go and stay with his family over his birthday. Which is totally cool, apart from the fact that his sister is a narcissist who made me suicidal.

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

Seriously. She stayed with us for a week about 18 months ago and treated me like shite.

I was properly on the edge. Didn't even realise how depressed I had become until I was an hour late home from work and DP was frantic thinking I had committed suicide. (Have an existing depressive/anxiety disorder.)

I called her up about a week later to try and sort things out but she was with a friend (she only speaks to me like shit when she has an audience - one on one she's manageable) and tore me out again.

I told DP that evening I was done. Not drama. I was just done.

Spoken to her a couple of times since then but it's been stilted, polite conversation.

We used to be friends. She kind of turned when DP and I bought a house together. She'd always been a bit snooty towards me and liked to put me down but I could mostly roll my eyes. Looking back I could see it was mostly projection.

Anyway, I've kind of recovered from the depression. Still taking the meds but I feel 100% better. I've taken control of my diet and lost some weight, died my hair and got myself a depression awareness semi-colon tattoo (on the side of my middle finger so I never forget the hell I went through.

I don't want to see her. I can't stand it. I can't stand her. Now I've seen through her I just see an unlikeable twit who bulldozes over everyone with her opinions and attitudes.

On the other hand, I'd quite like to go down there, show her she can't get to me and raise an eyebrow at all of her shit. I've totally changed. I'd like to think I can handle her.

What do I do?

You sound as if you've got yourself into a really good place, and are aware of what buttons she used to push to make you react...No More.

So, you wear your fabulous outfits on your fabulous figure, with your fabulous hair and you raise that sardonic eyebrow, say nothing to and turn away from whatever rubbish she comes out with as it is of no consequence,and simply engage with the good people there (bullies hate being ignored), and show her that she is totally ineffectual in your life.

Oh, and when you look at your finger tattoo, imagine her as a tiny, tiny meaningless little ant/fly/bug.

I would not walk back into the lion's den and you've already stated that you do not want to see her. It is not at all possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist. You do not need toxic people like your SIL in your life and I would protect your children from her malign influence also.

Your man can go and stay with them if he wants to but it does not follow that you all have to follow meekly in his wake.

You will never be able to show her. If she's wicked to the hilt she will never change her opinion, she will just up her game so watch out.

If you go be prepared for her to strike again, you may well think you can handle it but can any of us really handle it when someone treats us like crap, especially a SiL..........

Good luck with whatever you decide

If your man has been assigned the scapegoat role in his family of origin (its likely because his sister is so favoured) then that role will remain with him. He is probably still trying to seek his mother's approval even now (she is also part of the overall familial dysfunction) hence wanting to spend his birthday with them. He is still very much immersed in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) when it comes to his family of origin and such simply hurts him as much as you now.

You are under no obligation to spend time with people who treat you badly.

If your DP is determined that he wants to go, then I'd tell him that you'll take him out for a nice dinner (or whatever he'll like) on Friday night, just the two of you, and he can see his family alone.

I'd stay away. People like this don't change and there's nothing nice about spending time with them.

One thing I've learnt in life is if your hoping nasty people who put you down will suddenly start appreciating anything about you, or acknowledge they were wrong, you'll be bitterly disappointed.

Tbh I'd avoid like hell. This has all the hallmarks of her continuing and you feeling let down and angered by your DH for subjecting you to it again, no matter how much of a good place you are in atm.

I'd quite like to go down there, show her she can't get to me and raise an eyebrow at all of her shit. I've totally changed. I'd like to think I can handle her.

In other words, you are hoping it will all be different. But in truth, the only likely change is that SIL will probably be nastier than ever. I don't really understand why your DH is asking or expecting you to go and I don't really understand why you are considering it. Let him go if he wants to, stay away.

Don't waste a moment more trying to divine SIL's motives or what she will think about what you do.

Knew it would be you. Don't do it. There will always be something she uses against you. She'll just make it up if she has nothing else.

Why does your DP want to visit her at that particular time, and with you? It being his birthday puts unfair pressure on you to comply. It'd be better for him to see her without you, another time.

I'd not do it. You'd Not be showing her anything really, as it does still bother you. If it didn't, you'd not even be thinking about it.

Don't do it. You can't win. Except by staying away.

I told DP that evening I was done. Not drama. I was just done.
Why the actual fuck is your DP trying to put you in that position? That's not good of him. Tell him you meant what you said.

What PocketSaviour said.

I'm not going.

Even if she tries to be nice she says my name (my full name, not the NN everyone else uses) in the most patronising way.

She's got nothing but contempt for me. Hates everything about me. My pets, my taste in music ,my new mugs, my clothes, my tattoos, my hair colour (red now but was pink before and she hated that), my job, my choice in beverage - seriously, she once reemed me out in the HH because I ordered a hot chocolate and she felt it was too warm for such drink...

She's also constantly implying I'm a lesbian. Total projection but still tedious. She must know her brother is a man, yes?

You're all right. Fuck her. And fuck DP for even suggesting it. I'm displeased.