Is my girlfriend having an emotional affair?

[whynot2015]

Hi all,

My girlfriend has been texting a male work colleague since 2013, something I haven't been comfortable with for few reasons. I'm fine for opposite sex friendships but there are a few things I don't like about this. The messages are all on whatsapp, fb and texts. I think it might be easier to just list my concerns:

1. She has text this guy more than any of her female colleagues, family, friends and me. Probably more than all of us put together.

1. She always instigates the texts. It seems like every single time. It's sometimes about work but mostly not. And even when it is work she always starts asking him questions initiating a chat. She's 28 and he's only 22. So he's out on the town a lot and she's always asking him about his hangovers, how he's feeling after the night out, etc. Being a bit playful, poking fun.

1. Although I have't seen anything obviously inappropriate, she is always asking about people he's hooked up so there is an underlying sexual content there. And there are some texts where I feel I know her thoughts because I know her well. Such as commenting on his hair and her telling him not to cut it too short (I know she doesn't like it when I cut my hair too short). So I think she's attracted to him.

1. It turns out this guy might be going through a bit of depression at the moment and has been to the doctors. This is recent and the way she has responded about being there for him and wanting to help and asking him to talk to her is a characteristic I've not seen in her before. Certainly not towards me or even her dad (her dad ironically is suffering from depression at has recently been prescribed meds). Even though she is incredibly caring and loving, I certainly don't feel she is open to giving other people as much support. For me, I've put this down to her seeing me as the strong person in our relationship.

So you're probably all thinking I must have secretly stolen her phone and had a look. Well, you'd be right! But not very often, only twice since 2013 when I've become a little suspicious. I spoke to her about is about a year a go when I saw the first lot of messages and we had a bit of an argument. She said she sees him as a younger brother and they're just mates. Men and women can be friends, etc.

Fair enough but explained I wasn't comfortable with it and she said she'd stop. She did for a while but it's started up recently again and my second look at the phone shows she's been texting him for a few months.

The thing is, she puts a lock on her phone and guards it with her life. So we're not in a relationship where we openly share facebook accounts and phones, or even freely let the other person use the other (but she's free to use mine and my phone doesn't have a lock).

She doesn't share their friendship with me. I don't sit next to her whilst she's texting him and things like that. She doesn't comment on what she's saying or what he's saying. She clearly does it out of sight. So all of the factors together leaves me feeling very uncomfortable.

What do you think? Is it inappropriate this relationship or am I over reactivating?

I'm taking my time and being calm because I have a tendency to react quickly to things. I was thinking that instead of calling her up on it and specifically mentioning this guy and the texts, I suggest we be more sharing with our phones and allow each other to look at each others phone. After all, if no one has anything to hide it shouldn't be too much of a problem? :-)

By the way, we've been together 10 years. We're not married, but as good as :-)

If you've been together ten years then I'd say you were right to be a bit cheesed off. She clearly investing an awful lot of time in him and that would annoy me if I'd been with someone ten years.

Ask her how she would feel if you were doing the same with a younger single woman?

You can sense something is wrong and it probably is.

Yes, OP, your GF is being emotionally unfaithful. The relationship with the boy is inappropriate because she is your partner, it is against your wishes (quite reasonably), she is secretive and resentful when challenged.

IMO her behaviour and attitude towards fidelity to you will not change. You are being treated unfairly and disrespectfully. It's now up to you do decide whether that is something you want to live with.

Yep, emotional affair

LTB

I think it would be best to suggest a break from your relationship to allow your GF to get her priorities in order. Her continued texting is not respectful to you.

"She said she sees him as a younger brother"

Older sisters obsessively texting younger brothers asking about their hook ups is creepy.

She sounds a bit stalker-y to be honest! How do they know each other?

At the very least it's an emotional affair. Defo LTB

LOL LucySnow12, I was wondering who would be the first to pick that up.

Thanks for the honest replies, especially FredaMayor that was hard to take but I needed to hear it.

I actually agree with that MairzyDoats, she initiates the texts and seems a bit relentless at times. They know each other from work.

I think it's time for a long talk...

For the first half of your post I was thinking it just sounded like close friendship, but when you got to the bit about her saying she would stop but not doing so, and the guarding of her phone, I changed my mind.

If you were to say to her "this friendship ends or our relationship does" what do you think would be her reaction?

I'd say she doesn't know why she's doing this or what she wants. You clearly need to talk about it, but it may be clear as mud to her what she is up to. She may genuinely think there's nothing wrong with what she's doing, and she may over-react if you pull an ultimatmum on her. So watch out how you handle it. She may be as upset by your mistrust as you are by her betrayal. So before you go into the conversation try and have a clear idea of what your red lines are. If you honestly think she has to stop texting him or you will leave her, then know that before you start. Once the conversation starts it may get heated very quickly so conversely if your primary objective is just to make sure she still loves you best then don't go in guns blazing iyswim.

It's an emotional affair and you should reconsider your relationship now. Don't let her string you along.

Leave. Now.

You lot are all so harsh. What if he loves her? Maybe he doesn't want to LTB, just find a way of fixing things...

I would say she is actively pursuing this guy, if she's the one who always initiates the texts, wants to know what he's up to on nights out etc.

I think if he had turned out to be interested in her, things may have gone further than they have.

Unfortunately, to be able to confront her you're going to have to admit that you've read her texts. That's not going to be easy, expect an argument.

I think she's not admitting her feelings to herself - which is why she was (and will be when you call her on it again) so outraged when you called her on it.

But it definitely sounds like an EA. Sorry.

Also - i think that it's not so much a matter of telling her to end the "friendship" - which is controlling: you shouldn't tell an adult what they can/can't do. I think it's more a matter of you saying "I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has these sorts of semi-repressed feelings for someone else. The commitment is not equal."

So, even if she says, "right, I won't text him any more" (like she did last time) that won't solve the problem (just like it didn't last time). Because her feelings for him are still there, and she's not doing anything to address them.

I think the only way you could come out of this together would be if she's able to face up to her feelings for the other guy and why she's got them. Why is she not satisfied in her relationship with you. (And I don't think that's anything to do with you, it's to do with her.)

Given that this has been going on so long, I doubt she can work through it while you are together. I agree with the PP who said you need to break off from her.

You sound like a good guy. I think you should say 'I really love you, but this isn't a relationship I can stay in and still respect myself.'

Some people are reassured by the brother / sister thing , but it makes me cringe. It suggests an intimacy that shouldn't be there. Questioning him about hook ups is creepy and a bit lecherous really.

I would feel the same way you do , but I really don't think your suggestion of being more open with phones is going to work.

Say what JonSnowKnowsNowt suggests and see what she says. If she protests and drops the boy like a stone for good, then all well and good, but if not, then you've made the right decisions in choosing to leave the relationship. This way, you keep your dignity.

I have a brother and I really, truly do not want to know about any hook ups. She's feeding you a line.

Do they ever meet up Op ?

I would talk to her about this OP. I think male/female friendships are fine but they only work if they are very open, especially when either is attached.

Thanks for all of the replies.

We've had a long talk. Generally our relationship is solid and we do love each other. She doesn't believe she's doing anything wrong. Although when I flip the tables and ask how she would feel she of course wouldn't like it and admits this.

It's a tough one, because nothing is going on and it probably is very innocent (my main concern is how this could progress and I simply feel betrayed). For me there's an underlying problem that I can't trust her to speak to me about stuff. She isn't open with me. It turns out that's my fault (of course :-)) and she treads on egg shells around me because of my reaction.

There are a few other complex issues and we need to take a look at ourselves and decide what to do and how to move forward.

Thanks for all of your comments I've read them all and I really just wanted to get an idea of what other people's opinions are.

To me the whole thing with text messages sounds so pathetic and childish. But it's real, apparently Facebook is cited in a third of divorces!

You are being taken for a mug. She blames you for her dodgy behaviour ? Typical pisstaking cheater.

Or she's just naive.

she treads on egg shells around me because of my reaction

That's very common. "I kept it from you because I knew you'd be jealous/overreact". She shifting the blame onto you and is being quite unkind.

If she knows this is grieving you and she hasn't stopped doing it, is she showing respect?
Ask her how she would feel and react if the tables were turned.
I don't think you need to necessarily break up or anything over this but she does need to stop doing it. If she continues, think twice.