Unsure what I want or what to do

[Enman]

Hello everyone, I am male in mid 30s, have been with my DW for 14 years and married for 10, we have 2 DC (5 and 7 years). To most people we appear a happy successful family with two good jobs and everything we want.

Our relationship was good for many years, but over the last 4 years we have had a series of setbacks: death of two close family members on the wife's side, postnatal depression, DW told me (~18 months ago) she had developed feelings for another man she worked with and tried to kiss him once - but has since lost these feelings, our sex life has gone from bad to virtually non-existant. For the last 3 years DW has often been verbally abusive, usually after drinking too much, occasionally in front of the children, which has been very hurtful to me. We have been in couple's counselling (relate) weekly since April, through which I learned that DW feels I don't support her enough emotionally and that she is jealous of the time I devote to friends. She has also been able to cut down the abuse.

I have made changes and adjustments and I really thought things were improving, but a few days ago DW was very angry, told me we can't go on llike this, that I must make more large changes to sort my emotions out. She said she will 'make a decision' in four weeks, and has been 'thinking about an exit strategy'.

I still love her, and I believe I am a good partner to her. The situation is however very stressful and I think about it constantly. I'm having trouble sleeping. I am no longer sure what I think or want to do. Do I continue to try, buy her flowers, give her loads of careful thought and attention and love, be empathetic, keep trying with sex... or at what point do I give up, and then what?

It feels good just to write this down... but any advice would be welcome :)

For most people, I would keep your explanations simple and vague - "We've grown apart" is a cliché, but that's because it's so often true. Or simply "We aren't making each other happy any more."

With close friends and family you can give more details if you wish. "She has fallen into a habit of ranting at me drunkenly in front of the kids, and doesn't see anything wrong with that, amongst other behaviours."

Be prepared that she'll paint you as the feckless husband who refused to work on the marriage and chose to walk away. So what. If anyone repeats that to you, a smile and a "Yeah, that's not actually what happened" will set them straight.

I'd suggest getting yourself a solicitor apt as soon as possible and take as full a financial picture with you as you can, so you can find out what to expect.

Is it best to speak to a solicitor before confronting the wife and saying I want to leave? I guess it doesn't really matter.

Enman, I was going to add that if there is any sort of abuse inflicted on children or if anyone else involved is at risk of physical or sexual assault, the councillor does have a duty of care to report this to police or SS. This is explained before any counselling is given.

DW has returned and I have been able to ask her to clarify what she wants.

In her opinion, (I disagree with all of the following, but it represents her view) the main problem in our relationship is my fear of disappointing people, because it distorts my judgement and leads me to misinterpret what she says (e.g. I think she says I can't go out with friends, but she doesn't actually mean or say that). She thinks I then get unreasonably resentful of her and blame her, and that I avoid taking responsibility by saying she forces me to do or not do things. She thinks I am uncomfortable with emotions and withdraw from emotional situations, building a wall.

Talking from my viewpoint, I don't think I misinterpret her - she will get angry until she gets her way, I will give in to her demands (not to see friends for example) because I can't cope with her anger. I think in that way she is manipulative and controlling, and my resentfulness is understandable.

She wants me to address the "fear of disappointing people", this has been part of me since we met and I don't think it is as severe or important as she thinks it is.