Step daughter her father.

[AtArPo]

I live with my DP and her daughter and have done for two and half years now, DSD is 4 next week. We recently moved quite far for DPs job which is full time so I became the stay at home parent and do the traveling for drop offs and pick ups, twice a fortnight, as it takes the best part of the day. I love them both more than I can say and though DSD is still getting used to the change things are settling down very quickly and we have a great time together. This is helped by her starting a new nursery two days a week so that she can play and socialise with other children and I can hear myself think and watch something not from the kids section on Netflix clean the house and catch up on any jobs.

The other day when she was insisting that she couldn't possibly tidy her room and I was 'presenting a different point of view' she broke down and asked me not to smack her for being naughty. I have never smacked DSD, she did once head but my hand mid tantrum while flinging herself at me and then accuse me of hitting her as a result so I thought she was referring to this. She wasn't, it turns out when she is naughty at daddies he sometimes smacks her bum. I am really not ok with this, my father believed very much in corporal punishment and I still remember that horrible feeling of fear, powerlessness and betrayal it still brings back strong emotions now. She still wants to go and see her dad, clearly loves him and runs to him whenever she sees him. Also she has had form for exaggerating things in the past like the head butting incident.

I guess I am posting so that I can let it out, it would be unfair to burden DP with all of this, she would just feel even worse. It's just that today I had to hand DSD over and I found it suddenly very hard to do, hard to not ask him straight out (wouldn't do much good, he lies to everyones face and does his best to make DPs life as hard as he can get away with) or to just hit him and say if he ever did it again I would damn well kill him (I know, plainly ridiculous would make everything ten times worse, set a terrible example for DSD and probably break my hand however satisfying it might be at the time). What has got me the hardest though is feeling that I am completely and utterly letting down my DSD, I know how abandoned I felt when it happened to me. That when I did tell people about it nothing changed so I thought I clearly must have deserved it. I can't sleep though I am so tired, thinking of it happening and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. That I can't protect the little girl who calls me 'the best AtArPo ever'.

it would be unfair to burden DP with all of this

you must! this is her daughter, she needs to know this is happening. it is her decision to decide how to deal with it and by not telling her you are depriving her of the choice to make her own decision. I can tell you now as a parent I would never forgive any partner who withheld that information from me about my children, regardless of their motivation to protect me from the 'burden'. I can assure you it would not be a burden. you should not put your partner's feelings of a perceived burden before a child's safety.

You need to tell her mother.

You cant protect her but her mother can via the courts and with your support.

It absolutely would not be unfair to burden DP with this, what would be unfair is you NOT telling her. How do you think she would feel if she found out that her DD was being physically disciplined abused to the point where she cries in fear when she is told off incase someone hits her and you had known but not told her? That is deal breaking stuff.

I know how abandoned I felt when it happened to me

If you do nothing then you will be abandoning her, just as you were abandoned. Remember how you felt as a little one and how much you wanted someone to listen, to believe you, to help you.

For your DSD you MUST tell her.

Sorry I phrased it badly. I have told her about the smacking, but as it is not against the law and he is entitled to contact there is little she can do. I haven't told her about how it is affecting me.

One thing you can do is talk to your dsd about it, tell her you don't think anyone should ever hit her. A friend who is a child psychotherapist recommends teaching small children simple empowering phrases, like "I'm not for hitting"; if she can say things like this it might make her dad think twice, or at the least it will reinforce it for her that her dada is wrong and she is not for hitting.

Dad, I mean, I don't know where my extra a came from.

I'm not trying to belittle how you feel but thought I could offer a different perspective.

I was "smacked" as a child. I do not remember feeling powerless or having any sense of betrayal. I do recall that I was only punished when I was naughty and that being naughty had consequences.

If he's beating her, of course that's not okay and needs to be taken care of, but from her reactions I don't think she has. You obviously have some trauma that you need to deal with, and you need to ensure you don't make this child think something is worse than it actually is (while making sure to support her if it is... fine line right?!)

Could you or your DP ask her ex about punishment, under the guise of "consistency"?

Incidentally, why does all the travelling fall to your household? Why doesn't her dad come & pick up & return her - or at least meet half way? Is this exepected when the RP moves for work?

Hi as you have some free time for the moment and you have discovered you have some issues with way you were raised some kind of councilloring might help.
Have you read alan Cummings l book" not my father's son " it bought up a lot of stuff for me.

syk You aren't belitteling, lots of people I know where smacked and fine with it. However DP has always made it very clear that she also considers it unacceptable even when her and DSDs father where together. She has always wanted to be a mindful parent and though occasionally it is hard and frustrating in the long run it is really paying off for us as DSD responds well to it. When she mentioned that she was smacked she did say she didn't want to go back to her dads again however the next day she said she didn't want to live with us anymore when I said she had to help tidy her room.

Walk We moved to a island and to put it mildly he is tight, he never pays more than he can get away with so when we had to go to court for licence to remove he would only stop opposing if we agreed to do all the traveling.

summer Thank you I will look it up, it has certainly been an idea for me to look at some cousceling now that I have some free time.

Alf That's a good idea I will use it when she comes back.

I think its only fair that the parent who moves away does all the travelling for contact or at least covers all the cost of it. fair enough if the other parent doesn't mind splitting it but I don't think he is wrong for insisting it is your bill to pay when you (you and the mum) caused the distance.

Firstly, tell your partner, it is unacceptable not to, not burdening your DSD mother is a really poor excuse. Secondly, It appears that your DSD comments have triggered some painful experiences you experienced as a child but right now, there isn't enough information to compare your experience with that of your DSD's. I personally don't agree with smacking (easy for me to say and do because DD is a very easy child) but I do know some parents who do and they are far from bad parents.

You are an active participant in this little girls life but legally, you have no PR and therefore this really needs to be handled by your DSD legal guardian.

Have you spoken to anybody about your childhood experience? Even if you thought you'd dealt with it in the past, your DSD comments have clearly been a trigger to past pain.

One thing you can do is talk to your dsd about it, tell her you don't think anyone should ever hit her.

Absolutely do not do this, especially not in your current frame of mind. As long as your DSD isn't being abused, you can say that at your house, smacking isn't allowed (children of separated parents do understand the concept of different rules, in different houses). Your DSD biological father has a different parenting philosophy to her mother's and as long as he isn't being abusive, he can Parent as he sees fit, it's one of the pitfalls of co-parenting I'm afraid.