So disappointed in mum re EXDH

[MagersfonteinLugg]

It took a lot of courage for me to leave my Ex who treated me and our DCs, I felt, as second class to him.
My mum, who I always believed had my back really shocked me today by saying that I should not have taken my DCs away from their Lovely home and dad to live in a much smaller house in a rubbish area.
I confided in her how unhappy I felt in the marriage and asked her advice. She refused to take sides, as she saw it, but I left anyway.
Now, it seems she thinks I should have just sucked it up and stayed for the sake of the children.
I left because of the way he treated the DCs, not because I wanted weekends free to go shagging about which seems to be her view of the situation.
I never thought I would be in the position where I send my mums phone calls to voicemail because I feel so let down by her.

Oh that's shit. I'm so sorry.

yiu know that you left the relationship for the right reasons. And, quite honestly, I don't believe anybody has ever ended a relationship just to have EOW free. That would be ridiculous and is a horrible stereotype of single mothers.

Continue to avoid her for as long as you need. You've had a big change in your life and you don't need any negativity or people questioning your decision. You're the one living your life, not your mum so her opinion is irrelevant.

Do you have friends or siblings that are being supportive right now?

Is your mum usually so blunt? How awful as if this wasn't hard enough.

Id surround yourself with friends and supportive family members for now until the dust has settled. Then maybe get it out in the open and have a chat with her. Perhaps she doesn't realise that your decision was a difficult one and she needs to be on the same page as you.

Defo avoid her for a while though you need to take some time to get your head around it all

magers well done for getting out of a shit situation.

My DGM is really bad in situations like this. They expect women to just STFU like they did and make do with a bad situation.

Don't confide in her any more. I reluctantly told mine that I might be miscarraging yesterday and she more or less told me it was my fault. Today I pretended everything was hunky dory just so I didn't have to listen to her opinion

Smile and nod and tell her every body is fanfuckingtastic

Oh aqua that's awful too. Some people just have no awareness of how they're going to make people feel. I hope you're ok.

So sorry Aqua that is really awful. I'm starting to think it must be a generation thing. I will certainly not be confiding in my mum anymore which is really sad as we did get on we'll before the split.

It is a generational thing. My mum is exactly the same. You really should leave a man who beats you. She and her friends believe that you should just stick it out. It's great luck 9f you happen to love each other but just as good just to like them.

Individually, I think this is horrendous. Though for society as a whole, I am not quite 100%.

Missed out the key 'only' as in only leave a man who beats you.

You really should leave a man who beats you. - totally agree, as it happens, but where does the OP say he 'beat her'?

She is within her rights to end a relationship if and when she wants to.

Society as a whole - you think women should stay for the sake of society? I think society will be a whole lot better off if it doesn't have unhappy, second class women in it.

Really sofa? What makes you think it wouldn't be better for society? I have to say I can't see a single benefit to society in having women staying in relationships they don't want to be in.

People can be very disapproving of separations and divorces. It's almost like they see it as a personal failure. I know from personal experience how hurtful it is not to get that support that you should be able to take for granted. The only advice I have is this: you've made a decision, and you KNOW that it was right for you and your DC. And don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Your kids will gain so much more from having a happy, functional, confident parent in a small house compared to a miserable, dysfunctional, distraught situation in a large one.

I think this will probably change your relationship with your mother forever. It doesn't mean the relationship is utterly broken, just that the trust and the assumption of love will have changed. That is a kind of a grief and a loss and it's important to give yourself time and space to work through it. So don't feel bad about not answering the phone for a bit if it's helping!

My DM shocked me too when I left my DH. The first Christmas he lied to her to give her the impression he would be all alone on Boxing Day. So he had the DC on Xmas day and she invited him to bring them to my own family's gathering the next day. I was apparently to sleep in a small cupboard while he would have the spare room. Strangely enough I chose not to cooperate and told her I would stay home.

I think the older generation of women is so used to appeasing and running around serving the Men that it does not compute when they are expected to stand up for us.

So your mum says she refuses to take sides and then says you should have put up with it. Shes gaslighting you because she is taking sides. She sounds much better suited to your DH!

Well clearly there are a lot of nasty men who would benefit hugely if their poor downtrodden wives would just shut up and accept being treated badly.
And maybe the taxpayer would save on all that housing benefit and tax credit used to support single mothers escaping abusive relationships if they would just go back and "put up with it".

What a ridiculous post Sofa ! You might understand your mothers viewpoint but surely you dont agree with it?

"No Mum, he didn't beat me but he did lock money in his safe so I ended up borrowing money from YOU to feed my DCs; he did shut the living room door and made it clear that he wanted his wife and 3 toddlers/ newborn to sit in the kitchen and stop making so much noise as he couldn't hear the TV; he NEVER took his DCs on holiday or even a few days off in the school hols to spend time with them, but he always managed to bugger off with his mates every year in a golfing holiday; he NEVER read any if them a bedtime story; he refused point blank to consider a pet even though all 3 begged him; he NEVER cooked, ironed, cleaned HIS shitty toilet and actually stepped over a full nappy sack as he deemed it "wasn't his job" to put it in the bin whilst I struggled with a wriggly nappy change; he NEVER attended parents evening or contributed to 3 sets of school uniforms; never brought them any clothes, shoes, toys and would just throw me some money at Xmas to go and buy their presents as"shopping is a PITA" ; he refused to take DS1 golfing with him so he could learn how to play as it would slow down his game; he belittled DD for joining a girls football club and Brownies;
So many little things that you probably think are so unimportant are why I left.

Magers he treated you horrifically He thinks you are beneath him. And it sounds like hes financially abusive too.