I am in a loveless marriage

[Conflicted80]

Name changed.

We got back together after 18 months apart. I had wanted him back for so long but he was adamant that it was over. Suddenly and out of the blue he came back and said he wanted to try again. I instantly accepted. I thought he wanted me back because he loved me.

There was talk of another baby. We have two DCs. That was nearly two years ago and he's skirted around the issue for that long. When questioned, it was down to money worries.

Alarm bells started to ring when I got fewer and fewer signs of affection from him. Just little things like kisses or hugs, handholding etc. There has been very little initiation from him of anything physical but we do have sex regularly because I will initiate it.

I don't want to drip feed. Prior to us separating he had been violent on a handful of occasions. I still took him back. I know what you're thinking.

I called the police once and he claims that's when he stopped loving me. He still feels betrayed by it. Fair enough, it's crap behaviour for a wife to shop her husband to the police.

I believe 100% that I make him do it. He did it again yesterday for the first time since we reconciled, after he said he got back together for the kids not to have to go through divorce. I said I thought he loved me. He said he cares but the love is gone. Then things got heated and I lost it. I was crying and getting hysterical with hurt and frustration. I pushed him too far and he lashed out. I made him do it, I really believe that. I was winding him up.

But I feel sad when I think about it. My arm hurts where he punched me a few times. My back was burning yesterday but strangely I liked the feeling of the heat. It felt like I deserved it.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. No one can help me, or help me make sense of it. It feels marginally better to have written this down, I think.

Dear conflicted

No one ever ever deserves to be hit or punched.

You had the strength to be apart from your h once, you absolutely need to do it again. You matter.

You were right to get the police involved and you need to do it again.

Sorry to be blunt but you're not in a 'loveless' marriage - you are in a violent, abusive marriage. What your partner is putting you and your DCs through is much worse than divorce. He's teaching them that relationships include withdrawal of affection and random violence. He's teaching them and you that certain behaviours merit abuse. He's wrong on all those counts.

Hopefully, deep down, you realise he's wrong. If it was happening to a friend, what would you tell them? If it was happening to your DCs, what would you tell them?

You are teaching your DCs to accept violence in a relationship which means there is a good chance they'll end up in similarly abusive relationships.
If you can't leave for you, then leave for them.

And access some counselling for yourself. You have incredibly poor boundaries when you are with him but the good news is you have left before so you can leave again. Tell someone you trust in RL that he has hurt you again. And let them help you to leave.

At the top of the relationship topic, there is a sticky thread called 'right, everyone listen up' - read it, then read it again.

You are a person with feelings who deserves to be treated with respect. You did not make him hit you, you can not control his behaviour and you certainly can not cure him by behaving better.

OP, please find a way out. These men never ever change. I know how hard it is when they are all nice one minute and nasty the next.
I understand your confusion and anxiety.
I understand you feeling guilty and you thinking you are over exaggerating.
Your sense of self worth is n the gutter.
Now is the time to get up while you can and do something good for yourself.
You will have tons of support on here.

First I want to say I'm very sorry you are going through this domestic abuse from your husband the one person who should want to look after you and never hurt you. You say " no one can help you" no this is not true, when you called the police on him before that was you taking control and standing up to the abuse. He tells you this is the reason he no longer loves you I would argue this as if he loves you he wouldn't want to hurt you. No women or anyone deserves to be hurt. You are not happy ( how could you be) no one can help you unless your ready to help yourself, you show report him to the police, this abuse needs to stop if not for yourself for your children who this does and will scar them. Take it from someone that understands this issue from a child's point of view to a women's. I feel so sad reading your thread. Please be strong and stop this bully, you and your children deserve so so much better. xxx

Please give women's aid a call, they can give you some advice. Be strong, you are worth more then this. X

Bollocks do you 'make him do it'. He chooses to do it because he's a dick, you are not responsible for it and you cannot change him.

"I called the police once and he claims that's when he stopped loving me. He still feels betrayed by it. Fair enough, it's crap behaviour for a wife to shop her husband to the police."

NO. It's crap behaviour for a husband to physically assault his wife. It's not just crap behaviour, it's against the law. It's against his marriage vows. It shows an appalling lack of respect for you.

He has destroyed your self esteem and made you think that his abuse is your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever you do, you don't deserve to be physically or verbally abused by your partner.

Please contact Women's Aid, talk to someone in real life (your mum? best friend?) and keep posting here.