question on angry dh

[Walkingwounded]

Can anyone help me understand my dh. He had an abusive childhood and has some issues that are affecting us. We are going to Relate soon, but I am so confused I don't know how I would start to explain the problem.

Basically my dh has been under a lot of stress the last 2 years (business problems). He has been awful to live with but the main problems are:

• Although he is pretty good around the house, he resents being asked to do any job, and shows this in being tense, looking angry etc however politely I ask (would you possibly mind...) But he then usually does it

• It's very difficult to ask him about money. He contributes what he thinks is reasonable to the joint account every month, but won't increase this, and hates it if I have to ask for more (his contribution is not enough to cover the expenses. I work full time and my salary just soaks up the rest of the costs - but means I can't save much)

• If I try to explain that I am not happy about something, he gets very angry, and shuts me down, says I have a problem etc. He hears everything as criticism of him, even when it isn't intended as such, and however gently I put it ('it would be great if....')

That looks bad written down. It's not right, is it? How would I explain it to a counsellor?

Someone who is very stressed will find even small requests intensely overwhelming because they are already exhausted. Requests for money when they have no money, requests for extra help at home when working already many hours each day.

He needs to go and discuss the causes of his stress and how do deal with that. It isn't a Relate issue really but clearly impacting your family.

Disagree with BetaTest. I think there are a number of red flags in your post.

The fact that he stonewalls you, is secretive about finances, is not taking responsibility for household jobs and punishing you for asking by changing the atmosphere, doing it reluctantly etc are all worrying.

What would he do if you didn't ask him for more money and the costs weren't covered? Do you know why he isn't transparent about his finances? And do you have children?

You sound like you are tiptoeing around him. This isn't right and you don't need to make excuses for him.

It doesn't matter how stressed you are, it's not acceptable to take out your temper on your partner for two years.

I am assuming he's not putting in enough to the joint account, but is making more money? It shouldn't be that you're paying the lion's share of family expenses and ending up skint while he has money to spare?

It sounds emotionally and financially abusive tbh, where you're walking on eggshells and kept short of money. If that's the case, joint counselling isn't the way to go, but individual.

I don't think joint counselling is the answer here. I agree with Category.

If you explain your are unhappy you should expect him to take that seriously, and listen to you.

Anything less than that is unacceptable. Blaming you for it is even worse.

Do NOT have children with this man. He thinks he is better than you. And the behaviour will only get worse.

Get out now while you can do it easily.

How to explain your husband's behaviour ?

Well abusive covers it quite comprehensively. Joint counselling not recommended here. He will simply use what is said in the sessions to verbally batter you further. Like he needs any more excuses ?

Look up emotional and financial abuse. Sounds like you're walking on eggshells, afraid to upset him, just what he wants of course.

Sending courage your way.

Get your own counsellor and read out what you written here.

can anyone help me understand my dh.
You need to work on why you are let him treat you badly.

Why he does it is his problem to sort out.

Has he been to a counsellor himself to learn to manage himself better?

Do you have children or a mortgage? Anything that would make it difficult for you to just pack up and leave? Because this sounds horrible. He's not your partner.

Because he had an abusive childhood it's okay for him to give you an abusive rest-of-your-life? Because he is an abuser in this relationship.

As AF said, if you get a bad counsellor, or an 'equal culpability' or 'no blame' counsellor, it allows for him to manipulate the situation against you.

Basically you are paying for him to stay with you and be horrible to you, aren't you?

Is he aware that you can't save without him increasing his share financially? If so, it's probably because it's in his best interests to prevent you being financially independent.

Sorry for radio silence. Ill child. Yes, we have kids.

It's got much worse over the last two years, since he started having business problems.

I thought Relate would help. It has been a major effort even to convince him to do that ( pretty much had to threaten to leave).

So what do I do? Would relate not provide a starting point, then I can find my own counsellor if it's not helpful? And would they not recognise it if it is abuse, and advise me on what to do?

I can't just leave without going through some sort of process/ giving him the chance to realise the problem and do something about it. I have to think of the kids, for one thing ( they adore him and he is great with them)

Thanks

If you go for joint counselling and are lucky the counsellor may recognise the abusive nature of your relationship and refuse to see you together

Don't count on it though

You would be better advised to attend individual sessions where a skilled therapist can help you re-find, establish and protect your boundaries.

Right. Thankyou. I can't go back on Relate because it has taken such a massive effort to get him to agree to go. But, what I can do is use it as a safe space to express all this, and watch for the counsellors reaction.

If he or she doesn't seem to recognise it, then I can step out of relate and find my own counsellor.

Work on my own boundaries...That is important. I need to find out what they are first, I suppose.
Thanks

Yes, go for counselling yourself. Be open with him and tell him that you are struggling to stay married to him and that you need to talk a few things through, eg his anger, his resentment and the fact he doesn't seem to think he should contribute the same as you (not the same amount, but the fact that you're putting in all your money and he isn't.)

Might he have (serious) debts that you don't know about? Frightened people can be very nasty. Obviously doesn't at all excuse the nastiness, but might explain how he's nasty IYSWIM.