Need advice regarding NC parent and TTC

[KeepTheHope]

Ok so I've talked this through A LOT with my DH and DM but they are obviously both involved so I wanted to get some outside advice.

Will try not to drop feed but obviously don't want to out myself and it's a long story.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my F. Parents divorced when I was about 3. Didn't want to see me for a while but my DM thought it would be best and I went to see him every 3rd weekend. Most of those were spent with DSM as he was more interested in other things.

When I was 14 we had a big falling out, he was a bit violent and we consequently didn't speak until I was 17 when I made contact. I also eventually apologised for the falling out but never received one back.

All okish until my wedding day, halfway through the meal there was another huge argument, we both said things we shouldn't have, he called me a bitch and left but not before making a huge fuss in the car park and having most of my and DH's family out there trying to sort it out. That was over 2 years ago and we haven't spoken since.

To add a bit more background, I also know he was abusive to my DM and DSM, you wouldn't actually believe some of the things he did to them. He, of course, is never wrong.

So on to my actual question. DH and I are in our first month TTC. I don't really want F back job my life and I don't think he would probably accept a reconciliation anyway, but part of me feels it would be cruel to not tell him he is going to be a GF. I am in contact with other members of F and DSM's families so they will definitely find out from someone and I worry what will happen. Would I be best to tell them myself or wait until they find out and explain then? For the record I wouldn't ever trust him with any future DC on his own regardless of what happens.

Sorry for the long post, I've been wanting to do this for a while as I really need some independent views but only just plucked up the courage.

I don't really want F back in my life and I don't think he would probably accept a reconciliation anyway

Would you be telling them just so they wouldn't be embarrassed when they find out from other people?

What do you think you would gain by contacting them about it if you don't want a reconciliation?

Would you be telling them because you think you SHOULD?

Don't talk yourself into contact because you're worried about what other people think/feel.

This is a violent nasty person that you describe, I really wouldn't worry about being a bit mean back, and I certainly wouldn't let them into my children's lives (but I'm a veteran of NC so it's no surprise that this is my stance).

Thanks Raptor, good questions.

I would definitely be feeling them because I think I should. I can also see some of F's family making my life very difficult when they realise he doesn't know. Then again, I could just cut them out too if that was the case, I don't actually see them.

I do however worry about losing contact with my DSB and his family as I've kept a really good relationship with them. I suppose I'd have to have an awkward conversation but I think they would understand. He very much dislikes my F too.

This probably sounds either completely stupid or self-centred but I also think I want to come across as the better person. Both times we fell out he has convinced most people in his family that I was the one in the wrong. He also convinced my DM's parents of that many years ago when she finally left him. But thinking about the hassle it would cause, I don't think that's actually worth it in the end. It would just open a huge can of worms.

I would never want my DC to experience what I have, my DM feels so guilty like she caused it to happen to me. I want to end the cycle.

Sorry my posts are very rambley, it feels good to get it all out of my head and onto paper screen

They're not that rambley

The relatives are classed as flying monkeys (a term you see a lot on here - think Wizard of Oz). It's when the NC person can't get to you directly and so well meaning/clueless people get drafted in to suck you back in. Often they will only have had one side of the story, and you can either fill them in or say "You don't know the whole story, please don't get involved" or cut them off too.

I bet you most of them don't think you're in the wrong, they just want you to tow the line to keep the peace.

I wouldn't worry too much about being the better person. Given that, I assume, you don't knock DH about and have no intention of being cruel to your DC when they come along, you're already miles better. F's family must have some idea of what he's like and yet they take his side - what does that say about them? He sounds very manipulative and convincing with it along with the violence and lack of affection. Why would you want to allow someone like that any kind of entry back into your life?

You'll always meet people who go "Oh, but it's your father/mother/sister/granny, blood is thicker than water, I'm sure he/she loves you in their own way" etc, completely failing to understand that some people are seriously bad news regardless of how many genes you share. Such comments can safely be ignored. Absolutely the only thing they achieve is to make you feel guilty. It sure as hell won't turn a vicious, cruel relative into a decent human being.

You are both totally right on so many points. Thank you, you're helping to think much more clearly about it all.

Completely agree about "flying monkeys", also they proved they did know what he was like when the latest incident happened. The males were supposed to be "on watch" for it apparently. Nice of them to warn us!

Haha no I don't knock DH around and I fully intend to take my parenting skills and advice from my lovely DM!

I get "but he's your F" so often. I just say it's a horrible situation and in not ready to reconcile ever yet and think how lucky they are to not understand. I wish there were more people who didn't understand, I sincerely hope my future DC won't.

When I 'know' I'm the better person and have nothing to reproach myself for I don't give a flying fuck what others think of me and I suggest you adopt the same attitude, otherwise you may find yourself compromising your personal integrity simply because you want others to think well of you.

You know what your f is like and that's all that counts. Maybe he'll mellow in his dotage, but by then you will have raised your dc in an environment that is uncontaminated by his toxicity and may consider it safe to see him on his deathbed secure in the knowledge that you have stopped a cycle of abuse which has no doubt come down through generations of your paternal relatives.

I get "but he's your F" so often.

I usually reply to this, "Yes, that's unfortunately true. He's also a massive, massive cunt who should be in prison."

May I congratulate you on a wonderfully disarming response, ps, and suggest that if, you haven't done so already, you make it available on the Stately Homes thread where it can be disseminated by many.

goddess you are 100% right and I'm going to work towards that. I care what other people think far too much and that needs to change.

pocket that is amazing! Absolutely love it. He should be, i was too weak to do anything about it at the time though. DSM won't even leave him because "that's what he wants and he would play the victim".

I've spent months wanting to post this and not feeling like I could. I'm so glad I did and so grateful to all of you for takin the time to help me feel stronger about this decision.

I try, Goddess I think I've posted it on SH before!

I'm glad you're feeling stronger, Hope. If you haven't already, you might want to have a look at some of the resources on the first post of the Stately Homes thread. And feel welcome to post. Many of us have narc mums but there are equally as many with bullying, abusive fathers.

Thank you pocket, I'll definitely have a look I guess you never really think the people you're supposed to be able to trust no matter what would put you in these kinds of positions so it's a hard decision to make.