Pissed off and fed up with my mother - it's worse than ever

[Wanshu]

Always had a 'funny' relationship with my mother. She's completely self absorbed - my son once cracked his head open at school and needed to go to A&E - when I called her the first thing she said is "oh, does this mean you're not taking me shopping?"

She's always been like it. She plays the guilt card all the time too and backs people into a corner so that nothing they say is right.

Example - one time she asked if I was going to her house for tea or going home. Immediately I knew this would turn into a row no matter what I said.

"I'll come to your house." I said. She huffed and puffed and snapped "oh! well I suppose I better cook something then! I wanted to get sat down really!".

"I'll go home then ... it doesn't matter" she became incensed and snapped "oh now you're in a mood and think I don't want you to come!!!"

This went on for ages. I kept my usual calm self for quite some time until I finally snapped and said "you asked!! either you want us to come or you don't! it doesn't need to be a massive deal! I don't care either way!!!"

So she gets upset and says "You wait while I tell all the family that you snapped at me like that. You get so snappy when you're tired don't you?!"

JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

so anyway ... I've spent a lifetime just smiling in the right place, treading egg shells, apologising for shit I have not done and agreeing to historic events that never actually happened. She thinks we have a great relationship.

Well I'm tired of it now. I started a new job 2 weeks ago and if ever I mention it she intentionally sounds bored or changes the subject to say what her or my sister have been upto. My son had a mouth incident - she said "I'll call you at the weekend to see how he is". We received no such phone call. Her excuse will (eventually) be "well I didn't know when you would be at work".

Since when do people NOT call someone INCASE they're out????

If I don't call her, she won't call me. I used tocall every couple of days and if her idiot husband was there he'd shout "get off the phone!" and "stop yapping, you've been on there ages!" or "you only spoke to her last night!!" - all this shouting in the background and my mum just laughs at him and asks me if I can hear him. Yes I can. And I think he's a nob.

I've just qualified to be a nurse. She insists on saying I'm a "home help". When I passed my driving test she told everyone I'd done my provisional. My last house was private rented. She insisted on "getting mixed up" and calling it a council house in almost every conversation.

She'll now be telling everyone that I don't bother with her - as I've not called her all week. She could of course call me but she doesn't know if I'm at work or not

Anyone else with a mother like this? I'm sick of playing little miss accommodating.

She sounds like a classic narcissist. This thread will help you:
But we took you to Stately Homes

You might also benefit from this book: When You And Your Mother Can't be Friends

Yep. My relationship with my narc mother has deteriorated since I had children.

Haven't read the book mentioned, but find that therapy helps immensely!

Omg you could be describing my mother Op. Throughout my teens and adult life we've been on and off. I've learnt how to deal with it and not feel guilty. Things were going OK but earlier this year, everything blew up and I really let it all come out of me. Just couldn't take any more. We don't talk now. No doubt she'll be telling anyone who'll listen that I'm the one with the problem.

I'm just enjoying a really peaceful 6 months!

Since when do people NOT call someone INCASE they're out????

Hmm - my mother used to do this I will read some of those books too.

(Congrats on your qualification - I am in awe )

Do post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread re your narcissistic sounding mother. This is precisely how such people behave to their now adult children; you are really the scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

It is NOT your fault she is like this and it is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist in any event.

Also do read the book that PocketSaviour recommended.

Does she treat your sister differently; is she the more favoured one?.

Lots of undermining going on. I feel your pain - my mother is similar. She has also insisted on saying my job title wrong for the past 15 years. It's all about jealousy OP. I know that's horrible and its terribly hurtful, but its absolutely her problem and not yours

People like this are never happy. Its a game you just cannot win. Detaching has been the way forward for me. It helps enormously that my mother lives in a different country to me so I can limit contact quite easily. I needed tons of therapy to be able to get there though, and I'm still in therapy now. I recommend it very highly.

You're absolutely right to start putting yourself first.

Don't call her. So what if she tells everyone you are a terrible daughter? Really, so what?

because my mother is like this, I have come to realise she is a narcissist. She constantly belittles my achievements and makes me feel small but is very very skilled at it and can charm other people into thinking she's wonderful and is cursed with a difficult daughter.

I've distanced myself, I might send her the odd message to be polite but I don't miss those phone calls where she drones on and on about herself and shuts me down if I have the audacity to mention any news of my own. It's sad but honestly I feel a lot less stressed not having her in my life much.

Sounds like my mil, she used to make dh's life hell until he went nc. God how we enjoy the peace now.

One of my favourites from her was when dh was considering giving up work to set up on his own, she told him to do it while he still had no responsibilities - like a wife, kids, mortgage, nothing important then.

You really can't win with people like that, but it's so hard to stop trying. Good luck

Sounds just like my narc mum who im now NC with.

Think in 20 years she rang me about 10 times, each of those times were when she wanted something urgently. Apart from that she never rang. And when I rang her Id often get a sigh and "oh, you're still alive" comment as she obviously thought I'd left it too long between phone calls.

No interest in me or anyone else, talked incessantly about herself. Only time she ever talked about others was to bitch and slag them off.

I would stop ringing and let her tell whoever she likes whatever she likes. If they've spent much time with her they'll suspect the truth, not that it really matters.

Yep
I have had this all my life too.
I am getting better at deflecting the insults but it's very annoying, hurtful and draining.
My Mum is now widowed and desperately lonely in real life. any ideas why??

She makes up stories about me whenever we are in public, as a form of attention seeking, yet has had a really interesting and full life with my Dad that would be worth listening to..

I have my own DD and I always remind myself that my relationship with her is a real Mum and Daughter one

Big hug op its shit sometimes but as in any form of abuse, it's not your fault

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants or what to expect, and is also getting some negative stuff from her husband. She's stuck in a cycle of self-doubt (am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I being taken advantage of? Does my daughter really want to be here?). It is wearing you both out.

Diminishing your achievements is horrible, though. Did/does she work herself?

Maybe agree a fixed day when you are going to go round with your son for dinner?

Otherwise find some stock phrases to use when you get into one of theses 'can't win' conversations.

've just qualified to be a nurse. She insists on saying I'm a "home help". When I passed my driving test she told everyone I'd done my provisional. My last house was private rented. She insisted on "getting mixed up" and calling it a council house in almost every conversation.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times ... well you know what they say.

She sounds intent on dragging you down and making sure you're in the wrong whatever.

I've discovered from hard experience that life is a lot lot better when you distance yourself from the people who are intent on making you feel bad. It's really hard to do - going NC is not easy - but life is infinitely freer, less mentally downtrodden and healthier.

Really can't overestimate how much better it is when you aren't someone's whipping boy. The links of love/attachment, duty and guilt weigh on you, but even so life is infinitely better.

omg Its my mother . she never calls me . Its always about her .
Ive recently been diagnosed with heart failure and as usual she is not arsed.
I keep in touch because you only get one mum but I have accepted there is only one person in her life and thats herself. Harsh but true but at least I know I have done my best by her.
Keep in touch and be there for her . At the very least when she has gone you will know you are not like her .