URGENT HELP re child contact please

[Homely1]

So separated for some time, cannot think, toddler DC and DH who has been useless now sends me letter for DC staying overnight with him every other weekend PLUS contact for a day on the alternative weekend. Seems like a lot. DC has never stayed away or had very much time alone with DH.

Anyone recommend excellent lawyer who does child related issues in London? Very scared. He's using a very eminent firm.

Why not suggest a slow build up to this level of contact? Perhaps an afternoon out, then expand on that until DC is ready for overnight stays. Seems crazy to go to the expense of eminent lawyers when it sounds like you both, as parents, could come to a comfortable agreement.

That's exactly what we were doing I though until this arrived

So you never get a full weekend? That doesn't seem very fair.

What contact does he currently have?

Ok, so how long have you been apart? What is the current level of contact? The proposed overnight contact plus one day on the non-overnight weekend isn't excessive and in fact seems very little for a father and child to bond and grow the relationship. What is your reason for not agreeing, it's not clear from your OP?

2 years apart. A few hours at the weekend currently. DC only 2. When do I have DC for a whole weekend if that is what he wants?
He has really not been so bothered and has been absent for a period of time. He does not put DC first.

He doesn't get 'what he wants'. You can reply with a sensible counter schedule. Point out that his idea does not give you a full weekend to enjoy with your son and come back with a schedule that suits you better. It's strange that he has been seeing the child but you have received a letter (from him or solicitor?) proposing this new arrangement. Is there more back story to this? It's difficult to give good advice if we only have half a story

Letter is from solicitor. He's always wanted more time so we have been building up. He has threatened legal action before. His disappearance/lack of communication is not what I have liked. His behaviour is odd and now he is emerging for someone desperate to see DC

Don't panic and don't be scared of any particular firm of solicitors - the more eniment they are, the more dosh your h will have to shell out for their services. What are his financial circumstances - does he have money to burn?

How long have you been separated and when was the last time your dc saw his df?

Have you been discussing matters to do with your separation recently or has this letter come out of the blue? Does it make any reference to the possibility of divorce or is it solely about contact?

In the event that your h makes application to the Family Courts in respect of contact, you will both be required to attend mediation sessions at which time you can voice your concerns and enter into negotiation as to when contact should take place.

There's no need for you to rush to instruct solicitors at the present time and you are best advised to source word of mouth recommendations and avail yourself of a few free half hour initial consultations before deciding which firm to instruct.

The more correspondence you undertake yourself the less your legal costs will be and, with that in mind, we can draft a reply to this and any other letters relating to contact his solicitors send you.

Do you have any plans to divorce in the near future?

Why has he had to get a solicitor involved? Have you been blocking requests for more time with his child and he feels this is the only way? I apologise for all the questions and if I'm way off the mark but your posts aren't really making me think 'oh God, get a SHL and stop this man seeing his child'.

If he has been unreliable in previous contacts, ie not turning up, turning up late or returning DC not at the agreed time then I think your counter offer should reflect that unease and he spends time building your trust in reliable contact before moving up to longer, better contact.

The "normal" arrangement for contact is every other weekend plus a weekday evening - this ensures both parents get to enjoy weekends with the child(ren).

Do you know why he has gone for weekdays, is it to do with his work routine?

Have a think about what you would like in terms of building contact back up, but do realise that overnight stays are usually expected in these cases.

Maybe reply to the letter with a proposed schedule for longer visits, then building towards EOW overnights in say 2 months time.

Unless you have reservations of him as a parent ie drugs alcohol violence etc there's absolutely no reason at all why he shouldn't see his child. I agree you not getting a full weekend with your dc isn't ideal but you can respond to sat your happy for dc to stay over night alternate weekends but would prefer that on the weekend he doesn't have dc he either sees the child on a Friday or a Monday instead that is not being unreasonable at all. As previous pp said even that amount of time seems little for a Dad to bond/look after his child

Is there any reason that he shouldn't have overnight contact? I agree it's unfair that you don't get a whole weekend ever. What about one week he has Saturday all day, overnight and returns him to you Sunday early afternoon. Then one evening on the Thursday following. You have him for the whole of the next weekend.

So basically he has him every other weekend and every other Thursday.

Has he got a new girlfriend?
My ex wanted to see more of our child when he wanted to show her off, provide a playmate and be "good dad".
That said, child was unaware of reasons and got only positive increased contact from it!

As others have said, provide a counter proposal. His is unfair as you don't get a full weekend. But EOW for him is fair. And honestly (and sorry about this) building up to it shouldn't take long unless your child has a very particular difficulty with it.
Plenty of kids go full time to nursery with just a couple of intro sessions. I know that's not overnights! But it's an illustration of big changes in caregiver and environment that people accept and that works.

Is he cross that the building up hasn't been moving fast enough?

I think that's it.... That the building up has not been fast enough. Also, his personality is such that whatever I give, it would never be enough.

Questions are fine! I feel that he does not put DC first. It's all about his family and them seeing DC and his right over DC rather than the other way around. Maybe the solicitor involvement has been due to the pace being not right for him. Part of that has been my anxiety over me feeling that DC is not put first

Wrt to new girlfriend, I really do not know what he does

Am I correct in assuming that you separated soon after your dc's birth and that your h has had little contact with the dc until recently when he's been spending a couple of hours with him/her?

Does this contact take place in your home or your does your h take the dc out for a while?

Tbh, if you're comfortable doing so you need to give more information for people to help.
Of course, fine if you want to just have solicitor recommendations!

But it is so hard to give up time with our children, that honestly and - bluntly - sometimes we're a bit unreasonable.

The man that does nothing for their child can rise to it - mine did.

You might find it helpful to talk out your anger at him, and losing time with your toddler, here.
Or ask for experiences of settling them.

But unless you believed it's dangerous for your toddler to be with him, I think you should prepare for EOW, and think about a pattern that suits you.

Good luck - I know it's tough.

I would write back stating that you are very much pro contact, but as XH has had little contact up until this point, you wish to build up to it over an agreed period of time. I'd add that you wish to ensure that contact allows for you both to have full weekends with your DC, so every other weekend and a weekday evening, in the interests primarily of allowing DC to experience full family life with each parent, but also in the interest of fairness to each of you. If he cannot agree to that, you will be willing to attend any mediation sessions he arranges.

Then sit back and see what happens.

If you can tell us what sort of timescale the 'building up' to overnights has been over, OP , we will be able to give you our combined wisdom ?? as to whether he is jumping the gun with Lawyers or reasonable. Your DC is two now ? When did he start to see his dad on a regular basis. ?

It is difficult but unless there are any issues that you are not taking us about then it is only fair that a child should spend time with his father. A lot of families now go for 50:50 and a lot of solicitors and mothers and fathers will ask for this. The only thing not reasonable is that you don't get a full weekend with your child ( although you not now anyway). The child has s right to spend every other weekend with his dad - IF there are no issues like drugs etc that you have not told us about. I can't see anything wrong with dad asking for that now. Your child isn't a tiny baby and dad has waited. It is hard I've been there but you will come to appreciate that time your child spends with his dad.

Thank you so much everyone. I'm sorry if I have left major gaps in explaining. I'm not really thinking straight hence I'm a bit oblivious to info I've not given. We were together for until DC was 10 months. A poisonous very close extended family and MIL. Lots of lying on his part. I was emotionally abused and I episode of domestic violence. He suggested I go and initially would see Dc weekly with me and alone but he himself stopped the contact alone. No contact in the week (odd) and then a disappearing act. Now been back for a few months with demands and acting the dad with all 'my rights'. I've said we will work up to time alone. DC is always asking for me. We've got as far as me taking DC out then being in the background. I've always said I've understood and we'll work up to time. He is greatly offended by this and says that I have no right to say this and he has this and that right. I've explained it is what is best for DC. I do not want my DC to grow up thinking that it is ok to lie, be manipulative and malicious. Nor do I wish for DC to spend time being hoarded from one family member to the next (close knit family). I just would not know what DC has been up to/been.

Ps if solicitor letter to me then surely I need a solicitor letter back?

It's a fallacy to suppose that a letter from a solicitor requires a response from another solicitor.

We can address your concerns in reply to the letter you have received and he will discover that he can't just waltz back into the dc's life and make unreasonable demands with regard to contact.

That said, in the eyes of the law it is reasonable for him to have regular contact with his dc and you will have to resign yourself to dc eventually staying overnight with his df every other weekend and spending some time with him on alternate weekends after certain conditions have been met and a schedule agreed.

However, this won't be be done in a rush to please he who believes he must be obeyed in all things as the dc's needs are paramount.

WIth regard to the 1 incident of dv you've mentioned, was it reported to the the police called and/or to your GP, HV or other professional person/organisation?

Have you given any thought to divorce and division of your joint marital assets as it seems to me there is opportunity to address this in response to his solicitor's letter. Has your h been paying child maintenance on a regular basis and, if so, is the sum commeasurate with the CMS calculator?

I should have asked an additional question which is are you working and, if so, does dc attend a nursery/childminder on weekdays?

Also, does your h and his family live near to your home and do you have addresses/phone numbers for them?