I'm so down I don't know what to do

[Hopeful2015]

Hi ladies, just lately my fiancé is getting really moody, I get the cold/silent treatment for no reason. In was the anniversary of my sons death recently and I met with a friend for a coffee, when I got back he didn't even ask me if I'd had a nice time, he said why would he ask? I never go out so I think he may of been being funny with me, he showed me no empathy or anything that day. A few weeks ago we had a row where I got that upset I started hurting myself pinching in sheer frustration with the situation, he did nothing but make me worse by just being so cold with me, then he'll say I'm crazy.
Our relationship is up and down has been since the beginning when he failed to tell me he already had a partner, he left her to be with me and his children but I didn't even find out he saw us at the same time until a year later when me and his ex happened to speak, I guess that's never gone away either and gets fetched up when we row.
My friend told me to read the dominator book, what do you suggest ?
There's so much more to this but I'd be writing pages if I was to go into more detail, xxx

I think that you need to be honest with yourself in answering the question "why am I with him?".

I also think that some of the other stuff you haven't yet written will be very relevant.

It is interesting that you seem to expect him to take responsibility for the fact that you sometimes self-harm. That is your choice, you are the only one who can stop doing it if you wish to.

Hi
I did feel really disappointed in myself for losing control, I had to beg him for things to be ok again with us, it was for 4 days then started again when I went to see my friend.
We did break up a year ago for similar reasons to this but I took him back after a few days, I then got pregnant and we was both really happy but I lost the baby at 8 weeks, prob due to stress who knows!
I don't like the person I've become, I've lost all my old friends as I dont go out anymore so I guess I've become reliant on him, dependent even. I'm scared to be alone.
I've got a child at home also who thinks he's great, confused to hell xx

I wonder if you've started this thread because you've reached a stage where you realise that these reasons aren't reasons enough to be with him. With what you've been through perhaps they were originally good reasons to be with him. But perhaps they're not any longer? You've realised that you need something else?

this book is often recommended on here it might help you.
But..... Stonewalling is abuse and not OK.
You not going out often is a big red flag. Why don't you go out?
Is it because the consequences mean it just isn't worth it? If so then again, it's abuse.

The big question is 'what do you get out of this relationship?'
Other than frustration, hurt and abuse?

I think you will find you will be much better away from this person.
You are NOT good for each other.

End this and find someone who will love and cherish you and share your dreams.

hi, thank you for your replies. He doesn't directly say your not going out but it causes problems if you understand. He moved away to be with me so doesn't have friends around here, I didn't even go on my friends hen do and now we've grown distant, I think all my friends who were close to me a few years ago just think she's made her decision let her get on with it, they rarely if ever contact me now but he'll say it's because they don't care about me. Anyway I've made the decision to reconnect with people and that why I met my friend for coffee.
I'm financially dependent on him atm as I've not got a job, i'm looking atm, just finished a 2 year course of study.
I've kind of lost my way, he says he wants sex 2/3 times a week and I should make time to have sex, it's part of a relationship, when I say my friends don't even have sex that often he'll say he's not bothered about their sex life, if we don't have it that much he'll say were growing apart, he goes on about it so much it actually turns me off!!!

Not so much now but in the past he's said awful things to me, I lost one of my children, once when we was clearing my garage out I found my sons changing bag with his bits in, he said you don't need this anymore, send to the tip, then he said it's just his sense of humour, he also argued with me how many children I have, said I have 1 less now because my son died, but he'll argue it's his sense of humour. This was a few years ago now, he doesn't say things like that now. He also called my children rats a few years ago. I know I should've left then but you know when everyone expects something to fail you try to prove them wrong. I'm going to sort myself out anyway, I don't get anything from this relationship anymore.
He recently spoilt our holiday abroad with his moods, threatening to come home etc, I feel sad and lonely.

He doesn't sound very nice does he? If you were single, would he really be the kind of man you'd be looking to love and share your life with?

I think you would feel less sad and lonely without him.

He sounds vile. Joking about the death of a child is disgusting.

He sounds like a controlling, sly, manipulating, cruel, bullying character with a revolting personality. His 'sense of humour' is sick. No wonder you are sad and lonely. Noone would call my children 'rats' and laugh at precious memories of a dead son. Noone.

The solution is to live without him and I would take whatever steps you need to to live peacefully and happily without him, on your own with your children.
He sounds vile.

He moved to settle down with you but if he's had trouble making new friends it shouldn't impact on your ability to keep friendships going. He is being totally unreasonable if he's sulking when you go out.

Also, you're either in the mood for intimacy or you're not, there's no law saying if you are in a relationship, sex is automatically 'on the menu' x number of times a week. If he is clumsily trying to recapture closeness he's going the wrong way about it.

It's nice he gets on with your DC who's under your roof but that's not a reason to stay in the relationship if everything else is falling apart.

He has said ill-judged things in the past, he doesn't sound financially mean but tbh he sounds hard work.

The only thing I wonder about was his reaction to your miscarriage. You were both happy and excited about you being pregnant. Do you think your loss was a turning point? Did he grieve openly or is he the type to hide his hurt.
Maybe he put a barrier up, told himself he didn’t want to be a dad anyway.

That update is not good OP.
He is abusive and that's what you have to face.
You are being and have been abused by this guy for years.

Please contact Womens Aid and get some advice from them on getting away.

Do NOT stay with an abuser. It's already destroyed relationships with friends and your self-esteem. It will destroy you completely unless you get away.

I'm so sorry you lost your son OP I can't believe this dickhead's response to your pain. That's not a sense of humour, that's deliberately saying something that he knew would hurt you.

It sounds like you have realised you need to get him out of your life. What steps do you need to take to make that happen?

you know when everyone expects something to fail you try to prove them wrong.

It is often the case, I wish it weren't. You can't turn back the clock but you can avoid wasting any more time.

It was a long time ago I lost my son aged 2 but as any parent will know the pain will last a lifetime, was way before he come on the scene.
He does get on my child at home but he does wind her up at times and not know when to stop, she's got a medical condition so I've been picking her up from school whilst I'm not in work last week he said if I need use his car for this I have put petrol in it, he's main wage earner atm I get the tax credits, he pays rent I pay the rest so he can at times be cntrolling with money.
Everyone thinks he's great though he's got an addictive personality, can make people laugh, always joking about that's why he gets on my child at home a lot and my older child who doesn't live at home now.

For miscarriage he said it doesn't affect me. Like women so I don't think it's that, night I lost baby we rowed coz he wanted go on his Xbox, he the. Realised what idiot he'd been, he can be lovely will tidy up do washing make tea but that might be down his ocd, he does admit having elements that, I don't know so hard right now this.
My DC dad knows he's a prick though as I've spoke him about it before when we broke up last year, he was goi g help me financially but she. I took him back he said your on your own now, but I know he'd be supportive if I turned to him, he was like my best mate I told him everything nearly but now my partner won't let me talk him and he's not allowed in house, has to wait outside to get my DC.

I think he sounds like he regrets his decision to leave his ex. Maybe you should just let him 'go' before he becomes a cock lodger

Please please question why you are with him x

He sounds utterly vile. And you don't. Please don't stay with this creep. You really don't have to settle for so little.

I don't think he regrets his decision to leave, he's very headstrong, he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to. He's got children with his ex, he doesn't see them often maybe 4 times a year if that. Him and ex don't speak, she hates him for moving up here. He had affairs throughout their relationship but she just allowed him back but was shocked when he moved away.
Lol@cock lodger

He was all weird again yesterday, think he gets monthly moods, really gets me down. I'm focussing on getting a job, raising my self esteem and have started seriously considering a future without him.
The sex issue drives me mad, why at least 2/3 times a week, we've argued so much about it all throughout our relationship which nearly 5 years now. He assumes we've problems if not doing it that much. That makes me feel low, feel like I'm fridgid and boring but I just don't want to commit that much every week.

Update - everything settled back down, for how long I don't know but I'm being positive, I'm going to look for a job, save for a banger car and get some independence back in my life so I feel stronger to make the move should anything else happen or nothing changes.
Does that sound like a plan?