OK, the title says it all, but lets step back in time a bit...
I met my wife about 13 years ago, when we were both in our early twenties. Each of us had had just one serious relationship prior to that. Things were fantastic - we got on really well, we were very affectionate, quite intimate, and a bit passionate. We had regular (2 or 3 times a week) sex, and we fell in love. A year later we got engaged, and 18 months after that we were married. A few months later we had our first child, and two more followed over the next 5 years. Our youngest is now 5.
Like many couples, our sex life had diminished somewhat even before marriage, but I was still quite happy with how things were up to that point.
The first birth was not a good experience - it was traumatic for my wife, and she had to be cut during childbirth to get our daughter out safely. The damage caused by that has resulted in my wife experiencing some pain during sex ever since (with some improvements due to subsequent surgery and treatment coming later). This is quite obviously not my wife's fault.
My wife is also on antidepressants, which often have a negative effect on libido. Various attempts have been made over the years to cut down on these, or switch to different drugs, but none of these attempts have been successful. Again, this is quite obviously not my wife's fault.
Over the years, the passion disappeared completely, the intimacy went mostly the same way, and even the affection dropped off dramatically. But this is all one way - I still love my wife passionately, would love to share intimacy, and am always affectionate.
Around 2 years ago, my wife went around the world to visit a couple of her friends for a couple of weeks, while I stayed home with the children. When she returned, I quite by chance discovered a facebook message from one of the friends she was staying with, making suggestions about how to explore the possibility that she might be gay. Following this, I went into her email, and found several emails between her and her friends discussing the issue, and it transpired that she had had feelings for women since before she met me, had shared a kiss with one of her friends while on holiday (which was apparently "wonderful" - much better than kissing me!), no longer felt attracted to me and so on. It felt like my world had come to an end. I confronted her about it, and I said that I didn't care if she had feelings for women as long as she still wanted to be with me. She played down a number of the things she had said in her emails as resulting from her feeling very emotional at the time, but at the very least there was a grain of truth to it all.
There followed several months of marriage counselling and sex therapy, which gave a temporary improvement - on 2 or 3 occasions we actually had mutually passionate encounters. She spent some effort with the counsellor exploring the gay issue, without concrete resolution, but with a general resolution that she was probably bisexual. However, sometime after this I (also accidentally) discovered that she had been to see an woman for an erotic massage - again with the view to explore how she felt about women. She never owned up to this, even when I hinted that I might know! I didn't feel particularly betrayed by this, but I did feel a little hurt that she didn't tell me about it.
Lets step aside from the negative for a moment. My wife and I have always considered ourselves to be soul mates, have shared many adventures, share a sense of humour, enjoy each others company even now after all that has happened, and are a good team bringing up our children. There is no-one on the planet I would rather spend time with than her, and she says (sex and intimacy issues aside) that she loves me and wants to be with me.
So why have I strayed?
A few months ago, I once again brought up the fact that the physical side of our relationship (I don't just mean sex, I mean kissing and other forms of intimacy) had regressed to how it was before the sex therapy. That is, she wouldn't kiss me beyond a peck on the lips, didn't like me touching her intimately, wouldn't let me perform oral sex on her, and clearly hated having sex when we did occasionally do it. In short, she did not wish to do anything beyond holding hands or (clothed) hugging. She was upset talking about it (as indeed was I), but couldn't see a solution - and even suggested I go and use a prostitute (I'm not sure whether she was serious or not, but that is not something I would want to do anyway).
At the time, I felt this was the end of the line. Both of us had done so much over the years to try to improve things, but there didn't seem to be anywhere to go. I considered leaving her, but couldn't bear to be without her (as I said, I do still love her intensely - although some reading this might deem that to be inconsistent with my decision to be unfaithful), or to risk distancing myself from my children, or to destroy our wonderful family. But on the other hand, I felt I couldn't continue as things were and with no hope of improvement (in the past I had always held on to the hope that, one day, things might improve) - and I therefore looked on the Internet to see if I could meet someone for no-strings-attached sex.
Randomly, I did. We messaged frequently, phoned most days, got on well, met up a couple of times without having sex, and have since met up a few times resulting in kissing, sex and general companionship. She is single, and claims to have - rather unfortunately - fallen in love with me despite the short time we have known each other and the fact that she too had been looking in the first instance just for sex. And I have to admit that I have developed some feelings for her too - although perhaps only as a result of the physical intimacy, and those feelings are still a pale imitation of what I feel for my wife.
So, there you have it - as I said, I'm cheating on my wife. Does this make me a bad person? I'm afraid I think it probably does - which is a complete departure from the relatively virtuous life I've lived up until this point. How do I feel about it? I feel desperately guilty, unworthy of my wife, but at the same time having someone actually express love and desire for me - both verbally and physically, feels both intoxicating and life-breathing after all this time.
What should I do? I guess I should end the affair now - as gently as possible for the woman I've been seeing. I guess I should tell my wife what I have done, and let her do with that knowledge what she will. I guess I should tell her too that I love her. I guess that if my wife should choose to forgive me, that I should try to accept a life without intimacy and passion, and count my blessings for what I do have with her.
What will I do? I'm afraid I have no idea.