Apologising with sincerity

[eternallflame]

In my job I have to make judgement calls from time to time. Sometimes I get it wrong. I have a colleague who relatively recently joined at the same level as me. If I am honest she is streets ahead of me at my job and probably most of our colleagues too. Some of them(mostly male) cannot take a female outperforming them. This in itself is not an issue for me.
So received over a moderately significant issue I suggested one approach, she went for another. My advice was heeded. She was proved right. So I am wondering if you thought it would be appropriate to apologise and acknowledge she was right. The management don't seem likely to do so anytime soon. I don't feel too great about this as I used to think I was ok at this job before I met her, plus I am suffering from quite bad deprrssion at the moment too.

I think it would show maturity in your part to acknowledge she was right. I'm not sure I'd apologise as such, there's often more than one right way to do something?

Acknowledge not apologise. I bet she would love that, I worked in a very male dominated world (still do) my female colleagues are competitive but we often work together and this is how the big ideas are formed! The boys (I do work with some good men who work in collaboration) but the boys run around in a mines bigger than yours attitude and don't always do so well

You had an opinion and gave it - good for you! So my view is no ideas are bad ideas, and often a discussion on ideas leads to bigger and better ones.

I am sure you are not giving yourself enough credit and if she is "better" align and learn from her! Together you might make a great team

I don't think you need to apologise. But I do think it is lovely that you recognise her talent at the job and want to support her. What a nice colleague you are.

I think you should sit down with her, tell her you see that her approach was better than yours and want to acknowledge that and say that you would love to chat with her about the job as you think she is great and has great insights.

my guess is she has also observed you doing things that she would like to be able to do (maybe managing/ignoring the sexist men??). she certainly might value your insights into how the institution/firm works as you have been there longer. You could both help/mentor each other.

The two of you could form a really good unofficial team - next time you have a judgement call, you can both discuss. Maybe there were aspects of your approach that could have been incorporated into her approach to make it even better?

I so Agree with canyouforgiveher!

Or she might well learn from the OP in due course? There's more to work than one call which was was honestly made but turned out not to be so good as another person's.

I agree with Red - I'd acknowledge rather than apologize. It will help her confidence to know that she had good judgement on something and younger staff members can often benefit immensely from a good mentor.

No need not to feel great about it either. When I think back to the calls I've made which didn't prove correct, I only become depressed by the ones I didn't learn from.

I have a lovely young lady in my team of people, she is so very clever but does not have my experience - she's is so keen to learn from me and she teaches me something new everyday! I love her ambition and pride in her work and her ability to look at things differently than me

You just don't learn from being "perfect"

Makes for a better team as well - and usually one in which people have more confidence in their leader rather than less. I've seen some truly 'resentful' work situations where senior people push down decision making/the results of bad decisions and then take the credit for any good calls. (Yes - it still happens, I'm afraid.)

I've never been afraid to employ someone who knows more than me, I see that as a brilliant opportunity!

leaders lead, bosses piss people off lol

These comments are really helpful. I don't know if it is relevant but I am male. I forgot to say that. I would hope to say that I don't have issues with a woman being better than me and frankly I should be used to it by now after all that has happened but I will understand if people think differently having read this. This depression is, literally, a killer.

It's not relevant to me. I don't think any differently.

To "apologise" might come across as a trifle patronising like saying sorry for not realising how good she is (because why wouldn't she be?)

I agree that simply acknowledging she was right and you were wrong on this occasion is the way to go.

Many thanks. Humbling thinking about all this..

Are you seeking help with the depression ?

It might be helpful for you to have a chat with her, and ask her why she thought that her approach would be correct. After all, there was something in the initial analysis that she spotted, and you didn't, or she interpreted something in a different way to you. It would be helpful to identify HOW she got it right.

Why don't you use the acknowledgement as a chance to speak to her about these issues more generally - to say that you think she's brilliant at what she does, and that you are a bit in awe! It might help to vocalise it, and also to offer support in handling the sexist elements in your workplace (this must surely affect you too?)

I can hear that her success makes you feel vulnerable - that's such a human thing, and I think you are a very, very big person for being able to acknowledge that to yourself. It is nothing to be ashamed of, but many people wouldn't be able to do that: they'd find other reasons to hate her as a way of shielding themselves from the uncomfortable truth. However, I know for a fact that there will be things that you ARE good at that she can't do. There will be areas where you excel her. Everyone brings something slightly different to a workplace, and sometimes it's the skills that don't seem to be directly related to 'performance' that actually hold everything together. Don't forget that! There is no one standard for excellence - there are many.

Many thanks for these intelligent responses. Shovetheholly is quite right I am feeling vulnerable and insecure through my colleagues success. However I know it would be pathetic and immature not to face up to this and frankly there is no great shortage of pathetic and immature male behaviour around in our workplace. As for the depression Anyfucker, I am currently in therapy so yes. Underlying it all is worry that I will be "found out" professionally and lose my livelihood. Like many men I don't feel I have much else to give to someone in a relationship apart from some income security (not lots, but enough) Huge generalisation I know but as a gender we are in a terrible state, often through not being able to cope with change, or wondering if we have a place at all anymore. And yes this is still while we "enjoy" so many many unearned privileges, better paid jobs etc. God only knows what will happen when there is complete income equality or men occupy the positions women currently do. Anyway I have read lots of sad stories on here and I would like to say as sincerely as I can that I am very sorry to hear about some of the bad experiences people have had.I only hope that one day the hurt will heal for all those who suffer.

Blimey, you have got it bad

?

The last way I would describe you is as 'pathetic and immature' eternal.

If I had to list the various bad calls which I've seen senior managers make in my time, it would likely take me all day! Unless you're doing a Ratner - which would tend to follow you around, I'm afraid - then being a manager is a heck of a sight more than just one call which might or might not be proved right. It's a whole basket of qualities and responsibilities.

(And maybe you've got someone working with you who just is that good. If so - you'll likely enjoy mentoring her more than anything more negative. )

Learn from this and you shouldn't be depressed by it. (And by 'learn', I don't mean slavishly following her recommendations in future but looking at the reasons for them and your own and working out why you took the view you did.) The best leaders always have the ability to adapt when necessary.

Yes cozietosie that sounds very good advice. BTW I am not depressed because I have been proved wrong, I am depressed because I suffer from depression anyway. Working with and being expected to be a macho idiot and never being able to talk about my mental health openly in a work context does not help which is why I'm looking to leave the industry I am in.

I mean, you sound very low.

I will be ok. Thanks for saying that