Is he just not that into me?

[Colourmylife1]

I've posted before about someone I've been dating for 4 months cancelling at the last minute due to his young adult DD changing her plans.

The context is he calls me almost every day, is always available to take my calls, refers to us as a couple, is talking about us going away together in November, is loving and affectionate when we meet. BUT he has not verbally communicated his feelings for me so I don't know what he is thinking.

Due to work/family commitments we have been unable to see each other recently and tonight on the phone he told me he couldn't meet me this weekend for a reason which I know to be genuine.

I was quite upset due to disappointment and having PMS and told him that we should cool off for a while until we both know what we want. He was very cold with me and ended the call very quickly.

I immediately regretted what I said as I don't want the 'relationship' to end.

Is he just not that into me or am I being too needy and expecting far too much from someone I've been seeing for only a very short time?

If the latter...how do I sort it?

Advice please, oh wise ones!

Do you have children colour?

I do but they are quite independent with only DS 19 at home. The reason for being unable to meet this weekend isn't to do with his DD but his hobby. I think I probably am being a bit needy.

I think maybe it freaked him out and hurt him maybe?

In his eyes - he contacts you a lot, sees you, but had a genuine reason to cancel, aside from that all is going well as far as he knows. Then suddenly you're talking about cooling off totally out of the blue. Its probably freaked him out, hurt his feelings and confused the hell out of him.

I would send "I'm so sorry about what I said before. I had a bit of an insecure minute and made a rash comment, it was daft. I hope we can pick up where we left off and forget about it." Or something similar

As I recall from your earlier thread, I was of the opinion that this man is allegedly over committed to his work, dc, hobby etc to the extent that you haven't met up with him very often during the course of the past 4 months and there were no plans afoot for you to visit his home and/or meet his dc.

In fact, his life seems so full it's surprising that he joined an old site as he's not in position to offer any woman anything other than the occasional outing or equally occasional night in at her place.

If 'going away in November' doesn't materialise, I would suggest you make that the cut off point as it should be patently obvious to you by then that all he wants is a booty call whenever he finds it convenient for him.

Lady that crossed my mind. It was insecurity on my behalf. He was in an EA marriage (long ago) but I do tend to forget that he can be quite sensitive, largely because he won't articulate his feelings.

Goddess that's only partially right. The difficulty meeting up has been mutual. I have a very full on job and have been away a lot. He certainly doesn't make me feel like a booty call. Like I say he's attentive and never goes a day without contact. We both have quite full lives and then there's the distance.

I do sometimes wonder if he could do more to schedule his hobby while I'm away/busy and make himself more available while I'm free but I'm not sure if that's reasonable

We have each met each other's DCs amd he has been open with his DDs about me (calling me from holiday while with them etc).

I don't know whether I am expecting too much or too little as it's a very long time since I've been in this situation ( dating, I mean).

So you've met his dcs now - how did that go?

Is his hobby one that can easily be rescheduled or does it only take place on certain days/evenings?

Imo you are expecting a lot in terms of expecting him to declare his feelings for you after only 4 months of non-intensive dating but, given that actions speak louder than words, after that short period of time one would hope that he couldn't get enough of you and would move heaven and earth to be with you as often as possible.

Has he said where he's planning to take you in November? As I've said above, if this proposed break doesn't materialise I suggest you move on and find someone closer to home who has more time at his disposal.

Goddess meeting the children went fine. It was all very relaxed and we got on.
I don't expect declarations of love and commitment but as you say I expect him to move heaven and earth to spend time with me. It's that expectation which I don't know is reasonable

Thanks for all your replies. I think I have my answer. In any successful long term relationship I ever had I never had any doubts about their feelings for me. The fact that I'vr posted twice on here in a few weeks on almost the same subject says it all really!

Now I just have to work out what to do. To end it or just accept it for what it is ( a sort of FWB PLUS) and that there is probably no future.

I wouldn't be too rash, it is only 4 months in. Give it time. I am in a similar situation but mine is complicated with other factors.

I do also think there are are general patterns with these things. When you are young and have no children you tend to rush in and have more time at your disposal. The attitude is quite different as well, people who have never settled are often in a rush to try out as many people as quickly as possible, get quite involved and see if each is a likely candidate to settle with. Another aspect is how work has grown in terms of taking up such a prominent position in our lives and identities. The last relates to the way in which more and more people live alone, see this as beneficial, and the almost selfish pursuit of individualism. This comes out in hobbies, and how people prioritize their relationships and time. In fact its all a bit grim!

As regards cancellations and not making you a priority, yes it is far from ideal.

But think of it this way: if you are now contemplating giving him the boot, you too are not as invested into this as you think you are, and certainly no more than he is! If you think exchanging one person for another based upon a set of criteria external to their personality/core being is acceptable, than you too are prioritising not a person, but something to do with your goals and your life.

Me, for my part, I am not about to turn my life upside down.Whilst I also feel that hobbies, life, work, other commitments might be better organised so I feel more of a priority, unless I am prepared to make him a priority, I guess I expect too much. And yes, this slow pace, the new way, the weirdness of it all, it is confounding but I would rather have that with "him" than have someone else living in my pocket 24/7

Thanks so much for your very thoughtful and inciteful post Minx. As I have said up thread I do wonder if I expect too much too early and whether the"moving heaven and earth" notion is a bit child-like and unrealistic when both of us have lives to lead including families, work, friends and interests.

He treats me very well when we are together and is so affectionate and kind that I have no doubts about his feelings then. It's the lack of his ability to make plans and stick to them that make me feel insecure. When I raise this he tells me, nicely, that I am too impatient and that it takes a while to blend two lives together.

Right now I think I would rather have him in my life than not so I need to try to be a bit less uptight about it.

I'm a long time lurker but quite new poster and I find it very humbling and uplifting how many wise and kind people there are on here.

I'm not sure that he is as into you as he should be to make a go of a decent relationship - sorry, but at this stage I would expect more if it was for long term but fine if you just want something casual. Depends on what you want as to whether it fits with you.

To be honest I'm not totally sure what I want. I think for now I will just go along for the ride and see where it leads. Sorry to drip feed but although we met OLD we have a very close mutual friend. I know from them he is seen as a very honourable and decent man so I don't think he would deliberately mess me about. He would have our friend to answer to if he did !

If you are not sure what you want, then that answers a lot!

That's probably true! I could start a whole other post on that. But I do think I'm holding back a little bit as I'm not sure of his feelings. Ho hum! I would never have expected to have all this angst in my 50s!

I think that if it is to be long term then there is no real hurry...if its long term you have a long time to get to know each other why rush in and then find that the person is not right for you.

Yes it does take time to blend two lives when those lives are already firmly established with homes, responsibilities, expenses, and children. Of course, but one needs to show some willing! and I think I would tell him how the cancellations make you feel. It shows a lack of concern for you, your autonomy, your time, and your feelings. Follow that with being clear about your expectations and limitations. Don't be a mug, but don't be in too much of a hurry.

Its interesting, old houses are the most desirable, have lasted hundreds of years. The foundations were dug much deeper, the outside brick work was left for over a year before any internal work was done. After WWII houses went up in weeks, they are now being pulled down! We have become so used to getting what we want on tap, next day delivery and eating fast food, and travel is faster, we no longer take time to enjoy the journey or lay the foundations.

I haven't read your other threads but it would seem to me he does like you very much but you BOTH seem to have busy lives and other commitments.

He probably would like to drop everything to see you and act like a mad teenager but realistically as we all know we hate to let our children down and so usually they will just come first - no reflection on his feelings for you.

I would text him and apologize, be casual and say you are enjoying spending time with him and hope you can carry on as before.

Just enjoy it - if it becomes more serious and thats what you want then good and if it doesn't it doesn't,