What do I say to her?

[Patchworkturtle]

My friend has been seeing a man, long distance, for a year. They met every couple of weeks, spent the weekend together and then would chat incessantly on whatsapp in the time between.

This guy is jobless. He has been on job seekers for a while and seems dead set on finding some work but has recently been flaking on meeting claiming he's too busy with sudden interviews or courses. 4 weeks ago she came home in a right state because they'd argued about something and though they'd patched things up over the weekend, he wasn't properly talking to her, contact dropped and he said he needed a little space.

She didn't leave it, against several of our friends advice, and they started talking 'normally' again in the last fortnight. He flaked on her to meet this past weekend so she asked if they should end it- he agreed, saying he isn't financially stable and needs time to sort his stuff out. Simple enough, until he then went on to say she's the right woman for him just this is the wrong time, he needs her to leave him alone until he's comfortable seeing her again, he's bought her Christmas and birthday gifts but hates he can't treat her at the drop of a hat and wants to fix that by focussing on sorting his situation out, that he cares about her romantically and that if she spoke to him he would reply.

She's turned to me and several other people for advice. I have no idea what to tell her! If I take what he's said at face value it's kinda sad, bad brave of him to risk her walking away while he finds employment to be a better man for her and her kids. But the cynic in me, the bit that's been treated like shit in an emotionally manipulative relationship thinks he's full of bullshit and she'll never hear from him again.

She's currently in the middle (5 days in) of enforcing '30 days no contact' to try and lure him back. She's 27, and totally lost, and I don't want to make it worse.. Thoughts?

Sounds to me like he's got someone else and he's keeping her on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

I'd tell her she's well rid.

She seems far too intense, I think she is scaring him off (and no, I don't think he will come and find her when he finds a job, no)

I'd be supportive but tbh I think it's more likely he's got someone else than he's nobly staying away. He's just keeping options open or cowardly. I'd encourage her to stick with no contact and not to hang on for him.

I agree with pps. He has someone else.

Help her enforce the 30 days no contact. It might be long enough for her to get her head on straight again.

Tell her straight "hes just not that into you" he has used her sadly and the sooner she sees this the better.

She needs to move on, the best you can do for her is to distract her and if you are able to, get her out and about. Remind her to focus on her children rather than chasing around after someone who just wants her when it suits him. for sex

I'd have a punt on him having an ow on the go, but that's the optimist in me talking

Can you take your friend out on the pull at the weekend? Somewhere there's a relaxed but lively atmosphere which will serve by way of a distraction for her?

He doesn't have someone else, he has several OW. I've seen this too often on OLD which is why I am loath to go there again.

He's a player, or married like the vast majority of men on these sites.

Maybe he has someone else now, but I struggle to believe he's juggled the intensity of their messaging habits (I'm talking literally hours and hours a day, non stop, no breaks, neither of them ever going offline- she proudly told me this and I told her it was a little strong!) with conducting an in person relationship.
I want to believe for her he's just soul searching and job hunting, bit I have told her the 30 days is good and hopefully it'll be enough to get her to move on.
We are going on holiday, 7 of us for a weekend, in October so hopefully that'll change her mood! It was a struggle to get her to book as she said she'd miss talking to him all those months ago

What is his occupation? Says a lot about a guy....

I would hate hate hate to date someone if I didn't have a job!

I'm very independent

He has no occupation. He worked in a family pub when they met, then ended up working in retail over Christmas, then was jobless since January.
He told her during their conversation that he was proud he had got her birthday and Christmas gifts but hated he can't just do that sort of thing on a whim, and that he plans to fix it, but needs her to be afar while he does.
Thats part of the reason I'm reluctant to tell her to write it off entirely in case he really is just a poor lost thing trying his hardest.

I feel like such a shit friend as everything I say is met with confusion from her, because obviously I don't know the answer. Poor woman.

It doesn't make sense.

No - it doesn't. I'm not saying that altruism doesn't exist - just that I've never encountered it in similar circumstances.

I think I'd back off and let her make her own mistakes, Patchwork. (But be there for her when if it all comes crashing down.) What would it advantage her at the moment having you say he's a wrong 'un. (As I reckon he is.) Would she really believe you?

I call bullshit on having bought her a Xmas gift already. It's September! Unless someone has given him something and he doesn't want it himself of course. I think it's a cynical bit of manipulation designed to keep her hanging on while he uses her as a fallback option.

However as Cozie said I think you just have to sit back and watch her make her own mistakes, and then help to pick up the pieces.

She's so pleased she's managed 6 days without speaking to him. He made a point of saying he felt too relied on with her messaging (I didn't say I told you so) so she genuinely thinks ignoring him will bring him back.
I would have left this a long time ago, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks he's a bit fishy!

She'll find out the score - if it's bad, hopefully without too much damage to her and in a way which she can learn from.