Abusive relationship issue, bit of a 'getting it off my chest' post - long, sorry.

[Oldisthenewblack]

My partner and I have been together for three and a half years. We've had issues. In particular, he has been emotionally abusive at times. For a long time I didn't realise it was abuse and when I did it was really hard to broach the subject and of course, he did not think that he had been abusive at all. In between the 'upsets' he was an absolute darling, clearly loved me, etc. And it was genuine. He wasn't a 'typical' abusive man (I know, there isn't such a thing...) and he certainly never tried to control me, overtly. And the abusive episodes, in my opinion, were because he: 1) simply couldn't control his temper and 2) Wasn't particularly skilled at communicating.

Over the course of our relationship, my mental health has deteriorated drastically. To the point where I began to self harm (which I had NEVER done previously) and felt like a shell of my former self. He would make promises and promises after each incident (once he'd calmed down of course, and this took some time, and naturally, it was never his fault - it was me over reacting/being too sensitive/not being able to take a joke). On Monday I went to his house to stay over for the first time in months. We were going to try again. All went well until the early hours when it all kicked off. The details are too tedious to relate, but suffice to say : he shouted at me, he got 'in my face' and was an absolute arsehole again.

As the relationship has progressed, I have striven to remove myself from the dangerous situations as they arose (dangerous for my mental health - he has never hit me) when I no longer felt safe. This was an alternative to chasing after him trying to 'sort it out' with him being obstructive and accepting no responsibility at all. This has been an issue for me, as increasingly, I began to fear him kicking off when I had no escape route, i.e on holiday or in the early hours when there were no buses running (I don't drive). This is what happened on Monday and I said I was going to get a taxi home. He accused me of running away and said: "If you leave now, it's over!"

Although I have explained to him time and time again that if a situation gets too much for me to bear, mentally (i.e, there's a risk of me self harming), I will now leave, He refuses to accept this and sees me leaving as me just walking out. He shows no compassion. No empathy. Despite my mental health being a direct result of HIS behaviour towards me.

He sent me a long text today. I could have predicted how it would go; it's always the same after an 'incident'. Full of self pity, putting the blame on me and not accepting any responsibility for what happened. And he says hurtful things in the texts, things that stay with me and that don't go away once everything dies down and we get back together. For the record, I accept responsibility for continually returning to the relationship even when all hope had died. I was a fucking idiot. Many times. It was the thought of how lovely he could be that kept me going back.

I guess I'm looking to hear from other people who've been in a similar situation, who've managed to break free, despite still loving that person. Right now, I'm devastated yet numb. I have not responded to his texts as there is no point, and nothing to say. I've learned from bitter experience that being rational and reasonable makes no headway with him when he is like this. It's always been a struggle to communicate effectively with him, and I'm so, so, so, tired of fighting. It shouldn't be like this.

My sincere apologies for the length of this - I really did need to just get it off my chest. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far!

I wonder what you imagine a 'typical' abusive man is like, as he seems pretty textbook from what you describe.

The incidents of abuse are interspersed between periods of being nice as pie, to keep you off balance, make you doubt the incidents really happened or, if they did, that they were as serious as you remember.

And of course after each incident it quickly becomes your fault / only a joke that you took wrong / etc. The dynamic is about power, particularly overtly denying you any. It's not about love or poor communication.

It sounds as if your self-harming was a cry for help .. to the person who was causing you to become ill. Did you hope that eventually he would realise how badly he was hurting you, if you were resorting to the physical abuse of yourself? Fat chance. A self-harming victim sounds like an abuser's wet dream to me. Talk about plausible deniability.

So now it's time for you to get yourself away from this toxic influence. I think you need to get yourself on the Freedom Programme as soon as possible. Have you ever sought help for the self harming? If not, now is the time to do that too.

It's important to remember the person you're in love with does not exist. That is a fantasy you've created based on denying the existence of multiple incidents of abusive behaviour and inflating the occasions of good behaviour into an entire personality. Of course abusers have to be nice, have to 'love bomb' you in between attacks. Otherwise you'd leave and they'd have all the trouble of finding another victim. He cannot change his ways and become the person you imagine him to be. You've already seen who he truly is.

Time to move on. Good luck.

I was in an eerily similar situation. Tried to end it amicably. He kept up the same tricks while we were "friends". My mental health did not have a chance of improving until he was completely out of my life and I ceased contact, and even then my mind and my self esteem are quite a mess and it's a long road to fix it.

You will not have a chance of getting better until you get rid of him. I had loads of great advice here, I'm sure you will too. All the best.

Uh, yeaaaah, this sounds like a TOTALLY typical emotional abuser to me.

You know what would be atypical? If instead of putting all the blame on you, et cetera, he manned up and took it on himself and tried to put forward actual solutions he's going to work on.

I've been in relationships with several emotionally abusive men over the years. They did what yours did, until I left.

The only time I've ever met a man who periodically reverted to emotional abuse techniques and got "better" was someone who was horrified at what he'd done after he was called out on the abusive nature of his tactics, and went to therapy and took positive steps to change his behavior--he'd had an emotionally abusive dad, and so periodically just had these moments where he acted out the kind of shit he'd seen at home as a kid. He became a really fine individual! But it was immediately apparent from his reactions after it happened that he was taking responsibility and was acting very different from the usual abuse pattern I'd seen before.

OP, I'm in a very Si liar situation to you right now. I've wanted to leave, time and time again but never 'done it'. Anyway a couple of weeks ago I said I was and I am. My mum has bought a house as an investment property which me and he kids are going to 'rent' from her. There's no way out now!!
With three young kids, it's a very hard decision but I'm sticking to me guns.
This week, he's been buying me chocolates etc, ect...nice as pie, as if everything is ok!
I've started buying things for my 'new home' and hiding them away for when I leave (end of October which is half term for dc1).
When I've told him about leaving, it's always been my fault. He plays down anything he's said that has upset me and says his sarcasm is 'his humour' and I should lighten up.
It's taken me seven years and three kids to finally see the light and even now, I'm still wobbly.

for you Freckles.

Once you've moved into your new home it won't belong before you're walking on air sturdy strong legs that won't ever wobble again as far as he's concerned. You'll have lightened up and he won't be around to see it - a fine example of poetic justice.

Great advice from tribpot . Please listen to her OP

Freckles - hope your plans go smoothly . Your family sound great

Thank you goddess and MOrven, I really can't wait!!
Ps OP, my h flung the idea at me that maybe he should go to therapy and just as quickly dismissed it!
Like my mum's been trying to tell me. I need to look after me now as I've three kids to look after. I've had clinical depression on and off for years and I can't take chances now. I want my life back.
The only difference is OP, I don't love him anymore. I have no feelings left. He's pushed me too far. I'm emotionally numb now and I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me.

Thank you all for your replies. tribpot, I did attend the Freedom Programme a year or so ago, or at least a few sessions: they were unfortunately at a difficult time of day for me to get to. However, I did identify my partner as fitting quite well, they 'Bully' profile. I have a copy of Why Does He Do That? I think I struggle with that fact that in so many ways he's the complete opposite of the abuser. But, of course, it's the ways in which he DOES fit that are relevant here.

I'm actually a very strong person. I find it so difficult to grasp why he's had this effect on me, why I haven't walked out on him before now (metaphorically speaking - we don't live together).

Yes, my self harming was a cry for help, albeit a subconscious one, as the first time i did it, it happened out of the blue. I had no warning, it was not planned. I think the pure frustration of his obstructiveness and belligerence just pushed me over the edge. I've never been the type to give up on anything, I'm very tenacious, and whilst this has served me very well in life generally, in this case it served me ill as it meant I persisted in attempting to get through to him when really, he was never open to reason. You'd think at that point I'd have left, but no.

togoboldly - Like you, my mental health really doesn't stand a chance until I'm free from this relationship. I see that. Well done for ceasing contact with your ex, and I do wish you the best on your road to good mental health - you deserve that.

WombOfOne'sOwn I have explained to him so many times that the way he behaves is emotionally abusive. Although, periodically, he has accepted (on the surface) that he behaves badly and agrees that he shouldn't have done or said certain things, immediately the next 'incident' occurs, it's as if those conversations never happened! It's like he just can't connect what he's doing in that moment with what he's done in the past. I'm so glad that you at least can report that you're aware of one man who changed! It's heartening. I suspect that this isn't going to be one of those cases - one of his major failings all along has been the avoidance of responsibility in this matter.

He's certainly never sought conselling himself, though (can't believe I'm going to admit this) during our relationship, I've had counselling, CBT, CAT therapy and obtained anti-depressants - just to cope!!! What a fucking idiot. I only needed those things because of the effect his behaviour was having on me!! Jeez.

Freckles - well done you! Don't let the wobbles get the better of you. Your mum is right, you need to look after yourself now and like you say, get your life back. It'll be wonderful when you're in your new home. You'll breathe easier, and feel stronger when you're not around him, I suspect. I'm excited for you!

He's sent me texts over the past couple of days to which I have not replied. He's still not taken any responsibility for what happened, and the best that I can say about him is that he probably simply can't see it. In which case, of course, the relationship is untenable. I can't forgive the horrible things he says after an incident - yesterday was some derogatory comment about my mental health. That's unacceptable whichever way you look at it. But if I pull him up on anything he says, it's always the same excuse: some variation on, he doesn't express himself in the same way as me/don't focus so much on the words/ It's always his get out clause.

Onwards and upwards, I guess. Thanks again for your replies, they are much appreciated

You're not an idiot. You are vulnerable and someone who claims to love you is exploiting that. You deserve better as well. A couple of days of no contact is a start. Make it 4, then a week, then a fortnight, a month... At six or seven weeks you may stop counting and then you can concentrate on yourself. I know it's hard. Block him. Change your number if need be. If he contacts you tell him to leave you alone.

sees me leaving as me just walking out

Well you are. Quite rightly. As he's an abusive arsehole.

You say the relationship is untenable 'if' he doesn't take 'any responsibility' for what happened, but it's untenable either way.

There's no point telling him he's abusive because he doesn't care and he's not going to change.

You don't need his permission to leave.

You just need to decide you're wasting your time, damaging you health and put a stop to the whole thing.

Hey
I have been through what exactly what you have been describing so hopefully i can give you a few words of reassurance.
I was with my expartner for 2 years, the first 6 months were great. He treated me like a princess, made all the promises in the world, took me out for dinner, took me shopping, introduced me to his family...
Then i found out i was pregnant. It wasn't planned but we were both excited and ended up renting a house together and living together as a couple. He is in the forces so was away alot and i dealt with most of the pregnancy by myself. It was during the weeks leading up to my due date that his behaviour really started to turn. He would shout at me, so loudly that he terrified me and i would literally run from him. He would apologise and of course we would both put it down to pregnancy hormones.
I was induced a few weeks early and all through the pregnancy i had said that i wanted my mum in the room with me, as because my ex was away a lot, even though we had been together for a while, i still didnt really know him. He waited until I had been labouring for 19 hours and was too exhausted to fight back when he threatened me that if i let my mum stay in the room with us, he would never speak to me again and would just disappear without a trace. That was the day i should've left him. His family were awful to my mum at the hospital, he held my baby before i did and i had to actually ask him to pass her to me. My baby was born with meningitis, so was taken away from me pretty much straight away and i couldnt even hold her for a week. He would blame me everyday that it was my fault she had the disease, tell me i wasnt allowed to express milk when him or his family were in the room, but then would call me disgusting when my boobs leaked because they were so full. He even tried to have sex with my when i was still in hospital after giving birth. I later found out that the reason my daughter was born with meningitis was because he had been cheating on me when i pregnant with a woman who was hospitalised with it a few days after they were having sex. He continued sleeping with her even while our daughter was lying in an incubator in the neo natal unit dying.
Thankfully she was ok and 2 weeks later i bought her home while he was away at sea. That was when the phonecalls started. He would phone me at 2 in the morning screaming at me down the phone, caling me a useless piece of shit, a terrible mum, my mum was a cunt, he pitied me and that was the only reason he stayed with me. These became regular, but then when he came home he was like the perfect man i had fallen in love with again. He never showed much interest in our daughter, saying that he was tired from work and that i was the woman, it was my job to look after the baby. He would do all the classic bully stuff; like only having a go at me when there was no one else around, he would play on my insecurities and make me feel ashamed of myself but then pretend to care for me. He was a total coward. Eventually it got too much, I found out that he had been hiding frozen peas under the cooker to check if i had hoovered properly. He demanded sex with me and eventually i just used to give in. He would never let me stop, even when my baby was crying for a feed, i had to wait until he was finished. It got to a point where i just wanted to kill myself. had severe PND and he was driving me further and further down. The turning point for me, was when I had a miscarriage. I told him about it and he said, "I empathise with you, but you need to fucking get over it". That was when i threw him out. I found the strength through family and friends, got his name taken off all bills, the tenancy and just removed any evidence that he had ever been part of my life. He would constantly harrass me, to the point where he threatened to turn up and kill me and take my baby. I phoned the police and he arrested me. I got myself and IDVA (Independant domesitc violence advisor) and had my locks changed. Times were hard, I had to quit my job, go onto benefits and really struggled for a long time. He has no contact with my daughter and as far as im concerned thats the way it will stay, he also had said that she would deserve everything he did to me, as she is a girl and needs to learn her place.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. I spent the first few months feeling hopeless, i cried all the time and never saw much of a future. But now further on the down the line, I have an amazing new man, am studying for my dream career, a beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy and a huge weight lifter from my shoulders for being free of that disgusting cunt.
I promise you it will be hard, but it will be so so so much worth it in the end and one day you will look back and thank god that you left him, before it got much worse. My ex never physically hit me and thats why i stuck with him for so long because i just didnt realise what he was doing was so much worse!!
I know this is really long haha, but i hope it may have helped you and one day you can pass your story on to another woman in need of help. I wish i had had someone to tell me when i was in that situation.
All the best OP, hope you figure it all out.

tribot has said it so succinctly OP.

I was also in a very similar situation to you (won't bore you with the details). I ignored (excused it) every time he broke through one of my fundamental and moral boundaries!

He ALWAYS had a way of making his mistakes mine, or at least I was part responsible for his cock-ups

I have a video of him, sending me him ending his life- apparently took an overdose, and various voicemails threatening the same from the top of car parks e.t.c...

He is still here and and believes that HIS behaviour and atrocious actions are my fault.

That may sound as though I am saying that you are blaming him for your need to self harm- not so!

He is the perpetrator and has messed with your head sooo much, that I do understand why you have resorted to that.

Get him out of your head and out of your life OP.

Anyone who cared- genuinely cared about you, would not behave as he has.

He will never take any responsibility for his actions, because it's become the 'normal' for him and he loves that....

Omg Fetching. How awful.

It's very helpful to read all these posts, despite it being said that other women have been through such crap situations. Sometimes it helps just to know you're not alone in what you're experiencing.

Since Monday, he's been texting me. But it's so clear that he has no understanding of the core issue of what occurred. Or is choosing to ignore the core issue. He refers to various aspects of what happened, and it's just like he's skirting around what ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I self harmed AGAIN. Has he mentioned that? No. I felt so scared that I had to leave; has he displayed any empathy around that? No.

It's all about how I, in a nutshell, went overboard, walked out, and how I didn't need to do any of the things I did. He seems to see it (or chooses to see it) purely as if I simply had a fit of temper, or a tantrum. A fit of pique. When in actual fact, I was having a panic attack, was displaying fear and confusion and this is an indication that because of my mental health, I am struggling to cope. Despite all his promises in the past (so, so many!!) of how he will be there for me at those times, it has so often come to nothing.

I get so worried sometimes that my experience with him will prevent me from ever being able to let my guard down with another man in the future. Not, I hasten to add, that I am even CONTEMPLATING another relationship. But it's something else that upsets me and angers me. How dare he treat me like this? Not that he'll be getting another chance, for all you dear readers who may be thinking: "Because you let him!"

Good luck to all of you who are moving on with your lives after dealing with this shit (and I don't just mean my rambling posts...).

I meant, "despite it being SAD". Not "said". Honestly. Concentration gone to pot.

General day to day life gives you enough knockbacks........let this ba***d go and believe me you will start feeling sane again.

You can do it x

Thank you. Yes, I intend to. I know I'll feel desperately sad very soon, I can feel it approaching, but will stay strong.

It's not particularly relevant to his abusive behaviour, but I do think it contributed to the upset on Monday night: his house is so cluttered. I think that's one of the reasons I was initially unsettled, and in fact, thinking back, it all kicked off because I had to move something. God, this all sounds SOOO trivial. Every time I used to stay, I would help him to clear up, de-clutter and generally make the place look a tad better, but it seems like it just falls back when I'm not there. I'm no domestic goddess, far from it, but I do understand that it can help to have a less chaotic environment.

Anyway, that is entirely by the by. I'm really just getting everything out on here. It helps.