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Original poster

help

20 replies

Hismumhermum · 23/09/2015 13:54

I feel like I am going to die.
I have been suspicious for a few months about my husband's affections for a colleague. He what's apps her all the time and has become secretive about it. He admitted today that he DOES in fact have a crush on her, but that nothing has ever happened and that she doesn't even know. Supposedly we can get past this-he is just waiting for the 'crush' to wear off. But I can't just let this go can I? He gets to see her for lunches/drinks whatever with work all the time. And the messages…
So-do I need to get divorced? How do I tell my poor children? They are 14 and 11 and have had to deal with a recent house move and we have had months of unsettlement already. How do I get through the day? No support-family all in another country. I can't survive financially or emotionally. And I feel like I am going to die. But I have to be strong for the kids.

OP posts:
ForChina · 23/09/2015 13:56

What's he prepared to do to get over this crush? Is he prepared to stop all non-essential communication with her? That's the dealbreaker I think.

Original poster
Hismumhermum · 23/09/2015 13:58

He said he should do that. But the problem with this is that like with everything else-he says he will do things but doesn't. He has now changed the password on his phone because he felt 'violated' that i wanted to read the messages. Surely it is me who should feel violated?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hismumhermum · 23/09/2015 14:01

Who can I talk to when I have none to talk to?

OP posts:
Robotgirl · 23/09/2015 14:02

Sorry, but I think he's stringing you along OP. Secretive messaging? Lunches? Protecting his phone? Sounds like he's full of shit.

ravenmum · 23/09/2015 14:17

He felt "violated"? That sounds suspicious to me, too, I'm afraid. Accusing the partner of being nasty to draw attention away from their own behaviour is sadly a classic sign.

The second thing I notice is that you are already contemplating divorce, so you must be pretty sure something funny is going on. Have there been other changes in behaviour?

Make sure you eat and drink, and see the doctor if you are having trouble sleeping. And don't feel like you are solely responsible for your children, or that you have to do everything at once.

Joysmum · 23/09/2015 14:22

The only way to get through is for him to fully accept he's been completely inappropriate, that he has hurt you badly, that your trust in him is understandably in tatters, that he needs to earn you trust and be completely open and honest.

Blaming you for wanting to see his phone and changing the password doesn't fit with him feeling devastated that he's hurt you and is willing to do everything needed to work through this.

It's doomed as he's not prepared to do what it takes.

ForChina · 23/09/2015 14:34

If he had nothing to hide then there's no way he would change his password. I'm sorry but I think there's more to this than a crush.

magoria · 23/09/2015 18:02

No one chats to someone else all the time if there is nothing in it for them.

Of course she knows.

That he won't let you see and is turning the blame on you says everything you need to know.

Original poster
Hismumhermum · 23/09/2015 19:02

Thank you for your thoughts. It is hard to convey the information accurately, he is not messaging all the time but checks it a lot. I don't know what the truth is anymore.

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 23/09/2015 22:58

If he won't show you the messages then he's not telling you the whole truth.

Personally I'd tell him to leave and only come back once his crush has worn off, and when that happens I'd tell him to fuck the fuck off, but I've no tolerance for this sort of shit.

Colourmylife1 · 24/09/2015 03:13

Flowers i am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know the pain and fear you myst be feeling.

I'm sorry but changing the password on his phone rings alarm bells with me. If he wants to get past this he should not be engaging in any communication with her which he is not prepared to share with you.
You do not just get past crushes. Secrecy just fans the flames.

robthroop · 24/09/2015 05:47

I think it would be a shame to split, especially for your children, over something you're not sure about.

If you still love each other and the relationship is essentially healthy other than this you should just kick his ass, get some counselling to get you back on track. He has to be absolutely I eat and open to prove himself though, no secrets on his phone.

RedMapleLeaf · 24/09/2015 06:13

I agree with the couples counselling recommendations.

In the meantime start to build up your own support systems. Get out there and make friends, get your own social life. I know you are scared and probably want to cling on to him. But paradoxically this will have exactly the opposite of the desired effect.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2015 09:38

'I like her but nothing has happened
Oh OK then we've had a kiss
Oh OK then we have had sexual contact
Oh OK then we have had sex but only once
Oh OK then we have been seeing each other for a month
etc etc etc.........'
This is how it usually plays out.

I would want full open access to all devices from now on.
But this means the trust has gone and as they say on MN - No trust = not relationship.
What is HE prepared to do to sort this out?

Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.
YOU can decide what happens next.
You are feeling lost and out of control because you are.
You are letting him set the rules.
'It will OK and he'll get past this once his crush wears off'!!!!
I'd be telling him to fuck off with that comment unless he has a plan of how to get over that crush and quick sharp.

I would honestly be asking him to move out for a little while to give you some head space so you can understand what YOU want.

Original poster
Hismumhermum · 24/09/2015 15:07

Well I did make him show me all the messages, that's when I noticed he'd changed the passcode. I THINK there was nothing there to show involvement on her side-more him trying to impress her with deep and meaningful stuff. Apparently I am not as spiritual as he is...
Anyhow, half of me wants to go to the counselling and half of me wants to chuck him out-mostly because I can't work out from all the rambling what he actually truly feels about me. And maybe we are mismatched but maybe he should have brought it up with me himself a hell of a lot earlier.
So-counselling or chuck him out first?

OP posts:
ForChina · 24/09/2015 15:35

Nobody can answer that question except you.

Robotgirl · 24/09/2015 15:58

He fancies someone else. He may or may not be shagging her. He's being secretive. He's not being honest.
You deserve more than this shambles, OP.

WombOfOnesOwn · 24/09/2015 16:38

If he'd been sincere, he'd have opened his phone to you and let you look at whatever you wanted. end of story. Anything less means he's hiding something and gaslighting you, which is emotional abuse.

RedMapleLeaf · 24/09/2015 16:57

Anyhow, half of me wants to go to the counselling and half of me wants to chuck him out

Do both? Ask him to give you some space until Monday night as you decide whether you want to try counselling or not.

Original poster
Hismumhermum · 30/09/2015 08:10

Thank you red maple. In the end he stayed and we had counselling last night. It was difficult but very helpful to be able to air my side with a third party present. She was very insightful and I was really impressed-though probably didn't show it at the time. We are going to go to more counselling and hopefully learn to communicate better. Feeling more hopeful now.

OP posts:
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